Never Gone

I can't believe it's been a year... An eternity since I held your hand one last time, told you that I love you for the last time in this life, watched you inhale your last breath and somehow knew that you were gone even before the exhale that should have followed but never came.
I still hear it ya know, the sound of the oxygen machine. It's rhythmic cadence becoming a part of my sleep patterns, almost soothing me to sleep yet with the foreboding knowledge that it would inevitably and suddenly stop and with it, my entire world. Strange how we come to miss the reminders of what we have lost... Perhaps it has something to do with the fear of life becoming normal without you, normal that you are no longer here. I don't know why but that thought is unbearable to me in this moment.
I have come to realize that I will never move on, how can you when you have lost a part of yourself? I do however have to move forward, I know you'd want me to. I'd be lying if I said that I know how to or even want to. This past year has been a crazy ride Pop. I have never wanted to pick up the phone and call you more than right now. It's crazy... I still reach for the phone to call you before I remember...
All I can do is remember the lessons you have taught me, close my eyes and hear your voice. I want you to know, you did your job. I will never be perfect but you taught me how to defeat the paradox. You taught me how to be love in the midst of chaos and darkness.
Just as in life and through this entire experience, you continue to teach me what it is to be a man, what it is to be a father, what it is to live a life of selflessness. For that, I will be forever grateful, a simple phrase and yet our favorite song in a shared moment in time as well.
You are forever with me, in my thoughts, in my memories, in my heart, and in what drives me to live a life of meaning. Anything that is good in me is a direct result of the life and example you lived. My shortcomings are where I didn't heed your teachings and advice. You may not have been a perfect man but you were everything to me. I love you more than these inadequate words could ever express. Can't wait to see you again Pops. R.I.P., I'll catch ya on the flip side...