Ivana's Dreams (Chapter 1)

At this very moment what Ivana feels is not mere nostalgia nor is the day so gloomy to lead her to a melancholy train of thought. Just being this moment revived a long lost friendship, camaradeship or the like which sooner or later lambasted her vulnerability.

Strange... She never entertains such sentimental thoughts of longing and fondness! The rule of conduct tells her that it is morally unbecoming for a matured woman who is happily married to think this way.

"Hmm, just for friendship's sake, in two-week time I'll be back home, in my old familiar environment", was Ivana's second thought.

Ivana, I used to look up to you, now you'll look up to me.

She just let this remark pass from one ear to the other. Her jet lag made her a little bit groggy. But this phrase was instilled in her subconcious and much later made her wonder. "Huh, why did Marcus Paterno say that? What did he mean by look up? Admiration or was I his idol? Ah, ngan bay ako (I don't care), humbug", she thought.

It was a death in the family which brought them together again.

The gallantry of a gentleman may have overwhelmed her. He's still the same soft-spoken, good-mannered guy with scintillating eyes and kissable lips (!). Its traces could still be seen, as Ivana looks back to their years in the grade school.

What is fifteen years of childhood memories in Bukidnon compared to over thirty-five years of pursuing dreams in distant shores?

True, but Ivana's dreams remained in Bukidnon...

Perhaps it was a mistake to nurse such wishful thinking and let nourish into more than just a passing fancy. The faint hope or presumption that a mutual understanding existed without explicitly talking about it was kept a secret.

Did she once hear him sing "you'll never know how much I really love you?" Or was she just hallucinating? Maybe that wasn't meant for her!

The weakness of human thinking blinded by emotional illusions may have created this turning point in her life. But the thought of him was inspiring, if she has to be honest with herself. It lifted her spirits. An ounce of psychological boost made her feel good.

The fact was, he was always there, always near the whole time until her departure. He even escorted her to the church, to a shopping spree and finally to the airport for departure. "Take care", were his last words...

Nevertheless the strong feeling that they both share the same beliefs, doubts and all the things that went with them, comforted Ivana. Surely, the thought of Marcus and the frequent SMS sent: "Hello, take care, dream of me" built a silent gazebo full of sweet dreams and quiet breathing as the days and months rolled on.

For a little while she thought this won't ever happen after all the years of living far away from home, a good functioning family, security and self-confidence. How come it happened seem unlikely if not impossible. But it did happen. Was she going out of her head over him? "It should be the other way around", she wished. Ivana's world seems turned upside down.

Maybe it was a force of circumstance that brought them together again. Preparations for the alumni-homecoming was the overwhelming topic that time. In her case, something more special than just as classmates or friends, other than a friendly persuasion seemed to confuse her. So sad that she can only speak for herself.

What he feels remain doubtful to her for she heard Marcus Paterno lives a turbulent lifestyle. She tried to remain unbiased and rational in her attitude towards him. His acquired toughness, playfulness and everybody's-darling approach to the opposite sex, irritate her and make her wonder if he is ever capable of being true to just one.

She forces herself to turn her head in the other direction everytime she catches him so close and sweet to the ladies around him. Suffocating, she thinks. What does he want to prove?

"Casannova...go ahead with your antics I won't care", Ivana indulges in sour-graping when confronted with such scenes.

Ivana sees in Marcus a survivor of life's struggles. She recognizes this everytime she catches him in one of his pensive moods - sober look with almost fierce eyes. Once he related his life's story to her voluntarily. She was all ears, listening without raising a single question nor comment.

Not later Ivana asked herself, "what a pity, what has life done to this once shy, good-mannered, smiling guy?" She wished secretly he would return to his nature someday if not now.

The much awaited next time has come. Marcus came to fetch her at the airport and managed the boat trip to Nasipit and further transportation to Bukidnon. His kindness conquered her thoughts again. What would happen if she surrenders herself to this kindness? Disturbed by the risks mixed with feelings of joy, Ivana had to admonish herself: "Remain friendly, firm and detached. You are here to celebrate your alumni homecoming and not to get carried by your emotions."

What a cruel world! The consistency of conventions, rule of conduct, morals, ethics, what more (?) beleaguered and tortured her. Is this what it is like in prison? Dios mio, there seems to be no way out...

There was no chance to talk about sentiments, all business-like treatment, everything must be perfect for the celebrations. Practice, practice, practice, no time for emotions. All for the common good. Okay, Ivana has to participate and cooperate or she won't be accepted by the group. She'll be disqualifying herself from the game. After all this was the primary reason for coming home, she thought, again rationalizing her down-heartedness.

The 40th grand alumni homecoming of their class was celebrated with pomp and uniqueness. It was highlighted by an uncomparable gala night with all the Hollywood-like effects. Among the honoured guests were their former teachers in the highschool and a few Balikbayans. The ladies of their class came in ruby-colored long gowns and fresh flower brooches, the men in barong tagalog, the official national costume for Filipinos. The songs Seasons and Tonight, a Cotillion, Pakulo, awarding of prizes, enlivend the gala night.

After the dinner and short programme, their class participants danced all night as the live band played. "Well, I think I'm going out of my head, over you..." was the first piece played by the band. How she wished she were his first dance! But no, she wasn't.

After the successful homecoming activities were over, Ivana left with a half-broken heart. It was the first time in her life to cry over an hour inside the church, pouring out her hurt feelings of abandonment, coldness and betrayal. She left the church after her prayers dried out the last tear in her eyes.

There was no turning back. Ivana left for abroad before the dawn broke...

Much uncertainty, doubt and helplessness wavered all the days, months and Ivana fears it may even last longer. If fate would not conspire to shatter the sad scheme of things and remould it to her heart`s desire, she has to grin and bear it. If there's such a thing as soul mate, she has to accept this compromise and leave it to that.

One thing is made clear to her, playing games with one's heart can be hurting at the end. One has to understand the rules of the game.

But no, she wasn't a victim of foul play, rather a partner-in-crime. She has to live with it and take this experience as an emotional escapade, personal crisis or a passing fancy, it may be. That will pass, Marcus told her plainly. Yes, all things are passing, no question about it.

What it really was, is and may still be, is kept deep in Ivana's heart and she alone knows what it meant to her, when to give up and how to cope with it. All these memories are kept in her heart like hidden treasure. In her mind, they will stay till memory lend them light no more.

She is resolved to close this chapter in her life and hand it over for time to heal. She has to leave it behind for it seems it wasn't hers to keep. Surely, many questions are still left unanswered though the answers are a few. If it has to end now, there may be another place, another time, to give it life again, if it is meant to be. Only then.


To be continued...

_{Image Source - teklic}