Good (Bad) Morning

Mornings are really rough for me. Every morning I have about 25 waves of varying emotions rush through my body. I try to logically classify whether it will be a good day or a bad day. I think negatively about life, and then I justify that life is good and easy and I’m simply being controlled by my ego.

So I do what Elizabeth, the writer of Eat Pray Love, was taught by the Balinese meditation guru in Ubud, and I force a smile on my face. I fake smile until I feel a tinge of happiness and then I for real smile, and stretch, and feel the coolness of my pillow and the softness of my comforter and smile and smile and think what a wonderful life it is. That I’m so blessed and grateful for everything that I have and that I don’t have but will one day eventually have, because limitations are only set by our own thoughts!

Then I think about what I should wear and how I never seem to have anything to wear but that if I were just 20 pounds skinner I would have so much to wear because everything would fit better and it wouldn’t be so hard to get dressed and I wouldn’t have to sift through all the shirts that are now too tight, or try them on in the hopes that they magically will fit only to realize they still don’t fit and now I’ve waisted 8 minutes trying on clothes I knew wouldn’t fit in the first place. I realize that this is what that one lady in Tim Ferriss’ podcast is talking about, that thing she termed ‘Decision Fatigue’, and yes I absolutely feel fatigued and the day has just barely started. So obviously if I already feel like this it’s going to be a terrible day.

I sink into this grumpy mindset and realize I’m running extremely late, so I wear the exact same clothes from the day before because I didn’t sweat too much so the smell is bearable and well it’s not all about you Christina nobody is going to notice what you’re wearing let alone how you smell, Gosh you’re so vain it’s just you you you in your mind all the time. Think about other people why don’t you? And I start to realize that Oh my God.. I really am vain aren’t I?

If I just stopped focusing on myself and caring more about other people, maybe I would be happier. Now I’m feeling guilty and shameful for being shallow and caring so much about how I look. I’m pretty much going to be late at this point so I leave my bed unmade and 5 pieces of clothing on the ground. I grab my headphone and my charger and an extra t shirt and shut my door and run down the stairs. Did I bring my phone? Fuck no my phone was on my unmade bed under the blanket, so I run back up stairs and grab my phone and think, my God I’m out of shape - how can one small flight of steps make me so out of my breath? Jesus Christina you really need to work out more, then you would really be happier.

I hop into my car and realize, I’m not going to be late! In fact, I’m going to be early! Oh how I love being early! Being early means the sun is not super hot yet, the parking lot isn’t full and I won’t have to park super far, the cafeteria is quiet and I can enjoy my coffee in peace. A smile breaks out on my face and I’m joyful..for a moment.

Moments of emotions and a littered mind - those are my mornings and I wonder..do other people have nicer mornings? Where they can just wake up and NOT THINK? That would be so nice. I would love to wake up and not think and be happy and get to work on time and not need coffee as reward factor to congratulate myself for making it to work at all, let alone on time.