Pain and Fear

Lately, I have been away from steamit. I have been going through some emotional things lately that I really had not been in the mood to write. You will come to realize that I am emotional but I try not to be open about it. I am not trying to have the world know my dirty laundry, but with that said my feelings lately has to do with my parenting and why I do certain things.

Around two years ago, the little had gone to her grandmothers. This was a big step and my wife was skeptical. It was only for a week and I had thought what could it hurt to let her go. This would blow up in my face to a level I never expected. Let me start by saying, I was raised to be respectful and obedient if I was not I would face the consequences. My dad would from time to time spank me but that was a rare occasion. I was for the most part well behaved. I believe that when needed a good swat on the butt is an effective measure. With my children, I have and will do so when needed.

You may be thinking okay whats your point, the last paragraph is relevant because it will cause a doubt in myself and a fear of a child. But back to two years ago, the little would go for a week during her Christmas break, this is so she can celebrate with her father's side of the family, she would be returned on the day agreed upon and with what would seem to be no problem. My wife did her routine and would ask how everything was and making sure that the little grandmother made it back safe. This is when the explosion would happen.

Without a reason, my wife would get scolded and told that she was a terrible mother. They would threaten to take the little from her. Facebook is a fun cite, at least it was, this would be the last time I would try to befriend the other family. It was not uncommon for the grandmother to scold the wife. I did not like it but I would stay out of it by my wife's request. This time was different, not only would my wife be a target but now I was. Usually, nothing was ever said about me, that is the way I liked it. They didn't know me and I barely knew them, but that would not stop her grandmother from blasting all over facebook that I was a child abuser. When my wife is talking to this woman I am skimming through my feed and I see a fairly large post from the grandmother, after reading this I would become confused and pissed. I am reading the comments and she put on facebook for the world to see that I abuse her granddaughter and her mother. Would call me names such as useless bitch and many others. The wife now is on the phone telling this woman that she needs to take it down because those are lies and she would not stand for her putting lies about me on facebook. Then when looking at this post and the 50 or so comments I would see the one that would tear me up, the comment read "my granddaughter told me that her mother allows this bitch to beat her every day", I look over at the child that I had given so much love and attention too and could not believe that she would say something like that. Thinking at that moment that I could not even remember the last time she was spanked. It had probably been like a year or so. We had noticed that it did not work and we went about punishing her by making her stay in her room or not letting her go outside that day. She was about to turn seven and we had started giving her little chores that were things like picking up and helping with the dog since it was her dog and she wanted it.

This all would be brought up, along with that we treat her like a slave and make her do everything. I am a very understanding person but when I am being directly attacked and seeing things that are lies, I tend to get angry. I go to my room because at this point I cannot even look at her. I have nothing to say to her and my feelings are hurt. My wife ends up explaining that none of that is true and she takes the post down. Just because it has been taken down doesn't mean that the damage has been taken away.

After dealing with all that there was still the matter of talking with the cause of this drama. My wife asks the little if she said these things about me. The little would start by saying no but my wife would follow it with well if I call grandma will she say you said it or not? She then would admit to saying it and say that she didn't think we would find out she said it. My wife asked why she would say these things and the answer was I don't know. To me I don't know is not a good enough answer. I want to know why. Just because I want to know doesn't mean she told me, instead she says I was told I don't have to listen to you. This made me so mad that I had to leave the house. I would walk up the street because I was so hurt and angry that I needed to get away and think. My wife explained to the little that it was not very nice to lie about someone, especially when that person has been there for her and took care of her.

This talk with the little would not matter because she would continue to act out towards me. Over the span of those two years, we would try therapy and none would work. They would buy her affections and I would not. I do not believe you should have to buy a child's love. That brings up to this past month, where again me trying to be nice would end up being a bad decision.

Back in December, the littles dad asks if he could come get her in April for his brother's wedding. My wife agrees because of the fact we wanted her to be able to be apart of her uncle's wedding. We would end up moving in February and March would come up and we would start preparing for her trip making sure that it still happening and who exactly would be coming down to get her. But the closer the day came the more trouble she would cause. We have had trouble with lying before but we had thought we had gotten a handle on it. We were wrong and we wouldn't realize how wrong until it was of late.

We had been having a problem with not only her lying but either blaming it on someone else or letting someone else get in trouble for her either doing the same thing or her doing it. The bad part of it was the someone she was blaming was my little sister, who is only a year younger. My sister like I have said before is an extremely sweet child and she is not one to rat on someone. Even when she is being blamed she will not say well it wasn't me it was her, this happened a lot in March. The little would take advantage of that and let her get in trouble and later when we would find out that either it was her fault or that she was also responsible, she would act as if she did nothing wrong. This to me is not okay. I commend my sister for being noble but I find it unfair that she would get in trouble right in front of the little and the little would say nothing. My sister doesn't hold a grudge so she would forgive the little for doing these things to her. The little take advantage of my sister's kindness. Back to the lying, we had talked to her and she had said I am sorry and that she will not do it anymore. But by damn not even a full week later she does it again and blames my sister. This is where my wife and I messed up, we had told her that the next time she lies that the wedding was off the table and she would not go, well like I said she did it again and because we didn't want to take something that would devastate her away we told her that if she was to do it again and that would be it. She would lie back to back and we would threaten and she would call our bluff.

She ends up going, even though deep down, I feel like she should not have. Her father picks her up on Thursday and agrees that he will have her back no later than nine o'clock on Sunday because she had testing that was super important. The weekend passes and Sunday comes, the night before my wife confirmed that he was still bringing her back before nine on Sunday evening. He says yes actually it will most likely be in the early afternoon. We are thinking great means we can spend some time with her before she goes to bed. We wake up Sunday and she texts him and asks how the drives going. He then says oh we aren't driving, I am not going to be bringing her back today. He claimed the weather was so bad. I do the research and yes it's snowing but where he is isn't bad yet. We explain again that she is to be back tonight no exceptions. While this is going on the little is messaging the wife also and she is saying oh I have to go because Daddy is taking me out to get lunch. So my wife messages him and says so let me get this straight you can take our daughter out to lunch but you can not bring her home? He is confused and says what do you mean we are at the house and she is eating pickles and cheese. He even went and took pictures of her eating without her knowing. My wife then messages her and says do not lie to me. The little says her normal when she is caught in a lie, "do you think I am a bad girl" this always works for her my wife explains that she is not a bad girl but she needs to not lie.

My wife and the father go back and forth until my wife says if you do not bring her and I have to drive up there to get her I will be bringing the police with me. He then says well umm well, still making excuses so my wife tells him fine meet me half way. This is where it gets stupid, the halfway mark is in the state that we live in. We have had zero snow through this. He says sure that's fine. So we had to drive three hours out of our way because he can't make it to our house. We drive up to the halfway point which is no problem we had discussed doing this before. We arrive at the time that we predicted we would and they arrived on time. What I did not understand was if it was so hard to get here then why did they make it in perfect time. But we didn't argue we made the exchange and went on our way. Later that evening we would find out that later that night they would get around four feet of snow. This would have meant that she would not have been home at all until the end of the week. We believe we know what was really going on, the littles birthday is this Friday, I believe they wanted to keep her for her birthday.

On our drive home, the little does what I have told her not to do a thousand times because its rude and I don't like it, she was talking about how she got new clothes and new toys. This bothers me because she was saying all of this to my sister. My sister was happy for her but still, it bothers me. Then my wife asks her how the drive was, she says fine, and my wife said the roads must not have been that bad and she said in a really nasty tone there was snow on the road. My wife can be oblivious sometimes and this was one of those times. The wife was just trying to talk to her and find out how bad it was and instead of being compliant she decided to be rude and argumentative. The wife asked why she lied and explained that she almost caused a fight between her and dad. She then says I didn't I meant the other day. Which was a lie because she said I have to go because daddy is taking me out to lunch. My wife said that is not what you said and the little continued to try to lie. I finally just said, babe, there is no use she is going to lie and argue with you. That's when I got the look of death from the little but I said nothing. We also found out that they did not give her a shower, so when we got home it was straight to the shower for her. I went into the bathroom because my wife was having trouble working the shower and when I did I noticed the little smelled like urine really bad and I said wow I think you need to make sure you are wiping because you smell like pee. In response I got I do wipe good, in a really nasty and yelling tone. I was like wow and just walked away because I am not going to be talked to like that. But what can I do?

As my wife and I lay down after this stress-filled day we talk about what we are going to do about this lying business. We go over several strategies and most have been attempted. We ponder on how it has gotten to this level and we worry there are no ways to fix this problem. My wife will admit that she has let the little manipulate and scare her into not punishing her. In most states, a parent is allowed to spank their child as long as it is on the butt and not extreme. She is a first-time parent and she has been scared by other people into not punishing ger child because they have threatened child protective services. I have told her there is a difference in spanking a child and beating a child. My wife is an excellent mother but she lets her fear control how she parents. Many parents believe that you should not spank your children, I believe everyone is entitled to their own opinion. As a child, a spanking was effective for my siblings and me but every child is different.

All of this has taken a pretty big tole on me emotionally, I feel like a disappointment and that I am hated. I have always strived for people to like me, one of my many flaws. Everyone says she does not hate you, what would you call it then? Even if she doesn't it sure feels that way, she uses whatever she can to hurt me. I have never been disrespected or unloved by a child like I have by her. But what can I do to stop it? Nothing. I can not be any nicer then I am on a daily basis, I try and I am pushed away. She can be a sweet child but to me, she is cold and distant. When she is sweet to me it is usually when people are around, because when it's just her and I, its full of attitude and hateful comments. I love the little but I believe that she has finally broken me. I don't know what to do anymore.