Try hard and then fail anyway.

One day your mental illnesses take over you and you feel like it’s the end; but then you take control again and feel amazing because you just won a battle against the most powerful enemy.

But what happens after that? You feel like you’re slowly going back to where you were before; you think you’re still controlling it pretty well, until suddenly you’re not even functional anymore.

No matter how hard I try, no matter what I do or where I am, I feel like this is a battle I can’t win. Sure, I can be in control temporarily, but what when I have to go out there and go on with my life? I can’t.

I know that a lot of this comes from being at the wrong place with the wrong people, but in adulthood most of the time you don’t really choose that. And disclosing my mental illnesses with the people around me who I don’t even know so they’re more understandable of the situation really seems like something I shouldn’t do.

“Hi, I’m Jeremy, and I’m mentally ill so please don’t make too much noise around me, don’t touch me and don’t talk to me, otherwise I’ll panic and have an attack. Thanks.” That’s definitely something I’m never going to say to anyone unless I actually know I can trust them. But if they don’t know, then my surroundings won’t get any better.

I think people should get classes on how to socialize, in general. If you’ve just met me, why in the world would you touch me, and shake me and insist on making me socialize with a group of people where I don’t belong? I know is not their fault, but all they do is make me panic and slide right back to my previous state where the monster in my head controlled me.

So I’m torn between letting them know I’m crazy or just let them think I’m antisocial (but not mentally ill) and let them completely disrespect my person by forcing me to do things I can’t do.

Honestly, I wish mental illnesses came with a handbook of “How to handle difficult situations” personalized for each being, that would sure come in handy on an everyday basis.