Space Truckers (1996)
Redneck Fucks in outer space!
This is the movie you walked past in the video store a million times. It always caught your eye, but the risk of it being complete shit was too high. You pussied out then, because you are a big pussy, so don’t pussy out now. You will never get over, or stop being a pussy, until you remedy the problem. You must watch Space Truckers, or you could end up being a pussy for the rest of your pathetic life… Pussy!
Dennis Hopper stars, George Wendt dies early (thank fuck!), and Stephen Dorff holds his own. You could match up Dennis Hopper with any old asshole and I would still say that the cast was out-fucking-standing! He has done so many shitacular movies, I feel like I owe him head. That is a debt that I will gladly renege on. I assume he pounds twenty year old ass anyways.
Dennis Hopper is the go to guy when you need some shit trucked in space. This guy is fucking good. He may not be the cheapest, but if you want your shit busted up, hire some other asshole. Hire a space Mexican. He will guarantee that your shit is late and broke as fuck. George Wendt doesn't want his shit broke as fuck, so he goes with Dennis Hopper. Good choice, George. What isn’t a good choice, is trying to fuck over the Den for Men. George Wendt is a retard and tries to short pay Dennis Hopper. Asshole! Dennis, do you mind if I call you Big D? Okay! Big D will have none of Wendt’s bullshit and busts his goon in the mouth. Wendt tucks his balls between his legs and scurries away. But the fat fuck isn’t done yet! When Big D is macking some young piece of ass, Wendt hijacks his load. Now Big D is up shit creek without a paddle. He is forced to take a high risk job hauling some super-secret-cargo-shit. But not before Wendt compromises the space stations hull integrity, and he has his fat ass sucked through a window no bigger than a midgets fat fucking head. Big D has also teamed up with Stephen Dorff and some young candy by this point.
After Big D leaves the station and loses some pesky bears, his rig breaks down in the middle of but-fuck nowhere. The outer space version of. Shit couldn’t get any worse... until they start running out of oxygen. Now they are fucked for sure. Big D goes on a space walk to try and solve the problem. During this time, that piece of shit Stephen Dorff tries to rail Big D’s woman. He uses some lame-ass excuse about it being too hot. Just so he can drop his drawers. What a two faced fuck!
Just as Big D is about to meet his maker, miracle shit happens. Some space hick in a Peterbilt pulls up to Big D. If it isn’t Will T. Riker! Riker, looking all suave with his stellar beard, solves an impossible situation. Just like he has countless times before. Fuck yeah! Now Riker and Big D are hauling loads together! Obviously this makes it difficult to contain your shit. You have just been mind fucked by your excitement.
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Obviously no one is dumb enough to fuck with a duo like Big D and Riker... except maybe one person. Or many that operate as one. You guessed it! The Borg! The Borg show up in the biggest, most powerfull, badass rig Riker or Big D have ever seen. This beaver trap is decked out! They show up shooting green shit and try to jack both loads. Well, fuck that! Neither Big D nor Riker has ever lost a load to space pirates and they aren’t about to start now. They slam the pedal to the goddamn floorboards and try to outrun those cyborg fucks. These guys can fucking drive! But the Borg rig is too fast. Riker CB‘s Big D and says, “That Harvey Wallbanger is at our back door.” It disables Big D and Riker’s rig and then tracto beams their rigs into its own trailer. How fucking cool is that!?
It looks like it’s all over for my boys. They might as well surrender... Pfffff! Do you have shit for brains!? Big D throws on a meshback and torn wranglers. Riker throws on a plaid button-up and He-Mans the sleeves off. Then they both grab a tire iron with bad intentions. They are going to show the Borg that no one fucks with Dixie. No one! They strut their way through the Borg rig smashing every tin fuck in site. The Borg is learning a valuable lesson. Don’t mess with a space-hick. They will fuck your shit up. Big D and Riker crush the Borg and then wire the rig to blow. They free their trucks and get the hell out of there, just before... KABLAMO!!!! There is green shit everywhere! Big D and Riker look back and admire their handy work. Then Riker says over the CB, “10-10 till we do it again. We gone.” Big D and Riker part ways to deliver their shit.
How fucking great does this movie sound!? Awesome! I fell asleep halfway through the movie, but I assume that everything I wrote is as exactly as it happened. I can’t think of a reason why Riker wouldn’t show up.
Prove me wrong.