Psych 101: Is love without attachment possible

 It is an unfortunate fact of our history  

"Even of many relationships in the modern day – that what often passes  for love between two people is actually more of a bargain. People enter  into a kind of contract with the underlying assumption (either explicit  or unspoken) that certain expectations will be fulfilled. In certain  older civilizations, particularly feudal ones, women often either had no  say in their own marriages or else they married purely for reasons of  security. The question of “love” rarely even entered into the picture.  Nowadays the situation is much freer, and yet the question often still  remains: Are people together because they feel unconditional love for  each other, or are they thinking primarily of getting their own needs  met? 

 If we’re seeking intimacy because we believe that only a relationship  will make us happy then we’re already in a bit of trouble. We’re  grasping out of a sense of incompleteness. This is very different from  feeling fulfilled within ourselves and then wanting to share ourselves  with someone else. The first approach constitutes a search for a  partnership that is more akin to a bargain. The second opens up the  possibility of experiencing love without attachment. 

 When we love unconditionally we want what’s best for the person we  love regardless of whether or not their fulfillment will in turn fulfill  our desires. There is no tradeoff involved. We give freely because we  want to. Unconditional love doesn’t keep score; it doesn’t ask, “What  have you done for me lately?” By the same token, however, if we love  ourselves unconditionally then we won’t give of ourselves to people from  whom nothing ever comes in return. We respect ourselves enough to give  our love where it is welcomed. 

 This is why we have to love and accept ourselves before we can truly  love someone else. If we don’t then our efforts to pursue intimacy will  all really represent an attempt to draw from someone else what we are  lacking within ourselves. This is the essence of what’s referred to as  co-dependency. It is clinging to another in order to feel safe, to avoid  feeling one’s pain, to satisfy desires, etc. It is a very conditional  form of love, if it can even be considered love at all.  

 Love without attachment is possible when we know how to fulfill  ourselves outside of a relationship. When we can do this, we may still  hope that others will love us in return but we don’t need them to do so  in order to feel ok about ourselves. Nor do we need to keep score or  constantly ask ourselves what we’re receiving in return for our efforts.  Loving without attachment means that giving to another makes us happy  in and of itself. There’s no other payoff expected for the gesture.  There are many people involved in relationships like that, though they  may have had to go through some growing and healing within themselves  before they were able to love so unconditionally."  

 Moving these articles to my main Psych 101: Account for better management.  Yes,  This article is mine.