A letter to my Future-Ex

I have been hard to my self, a lot of question have been going round and round in my mind. I know it hurts because i feel it too, But after all we have been through, why do we have to be like this? How did we end up like this? What have we done wrong?

Do we really love each other? In the first place when we met, we did not know if we will be together, you said because it was love who push us to be together.Is it love too that pull us apart? Is it a love puzzle that we thought we can solve? During this time was it only me that is trying to find out more about you? Or i am assuming again? Why did i end up always assuming? Do we talk enough? Do we talk often? Or we end up being contented to what we know about us? I wanna know how you end up loving me, or should i say, how did you show your love to me? Was it because we started sleeping together rather than getting to know each other. How did i show my love to you? Me? I dont know how i did, i cannot remember.

I will start to remember how you showed that love to me;

• When you kiss me anytime, anywhere for no reason, that kiss stroke directly to my heart and giving me reason to live and be contented to what I have and what i can share to you.
• When you touch me, every now and then, when im sleeping, eating, laughing everything! Your touch makes me feel safe and comfortable, that no matter what happens to me, I know you will be there for me.
• When we make love, its not just sex, its not just lust but its love we share together, making sure that we have the same level of love, not so much not less, its fair satisfaction and just as much pleasure together. When we both dont hurry to the shower, just enjoying the moment we had and just by the presence of each other we feel at ease side by side.
• When you always thought of me whenever, wherever. As soon as you step out of the door you already started wondering when can we be together again. When you just wish that every single time, we can just be together. When we both look forward to end the shift and just be together.
• When we share anything, everything and whatever it is. I feel in love to your thoughts, fantasies, and dreams. I feel in love to how you open yourself to me, because that is when you let me feel you trust me, and trust is love more than ourselves. Every opinion we share together is important to us because we trust each other.
• When we socialize to each different friends, family and associates. I love you, because you showed to me that you care for whom i care. You showed me that no matter who i am hanging with, it pleasures you to be with them as it pleasures me.

It is hard to speak this love out loud, but I cannot hide it. My attitude towards you reveal it all more than what i can say. But, when I can feel you doubt me, it hurts and frustrate me.

So when did you start to doubt my love? How did it change suddenly? Why I change that for you?

Let me try to remember;

• When I say no, you will think that I love you less just because i say no
• When I spend less time with you because my prioritise have changed, we got a lovely baby boy
• When I rarely call you because I have focus on most important things to do, each and everything that baby progresses in his growth
• When i don’t talk so often about us because i talk much about something else, our baby.
• When i push you away because I am tired and want to have space, taking care of the baby is not an easy job but im not complaining
• When I dont do what ever you suggest, just can't agree when it doesn't suit to baby needs.

I change because I became a Mother, I have the biggest responsibility that no man can understand. Many may have left the responsibility to a father but they cannot match it to what a mother can offer. Being a mother is giving life up the world you can for them. Thats what I did, i gave up the intimacy we can share, so I have energy to mingle to the child. I gave up the time to call for you so I can spend it preciously with the child. I gave up talking about me and you, because what matters is what is the baby has been progressing to. I pushed you away because you were distracting me seeing my baby growing up.

But, all of this, where during that time when the child needed me the most. I thought you can patiently wait for me, but i was wrong.

• When I pushed you away, you wonder yourself to something rather than support me.
• When im tired, rather than comforting me, you ignore me
• When I say no, rather than understanding me, you judge me
• When i dont call, rather than wait for your turn, you insist for my attention

So my mind is asking, Is this is the man i fell in love with?

Then when did i not feel the love anymore? How does it happen? What did i do?

Let me tell you;

• When im seeking for your time and attention, you say you will find time but i always come last after all your activities and other schedule plans like socializing with your friends
• When i like us to talk about us again, you keep talking about something else that is not within my interest
• When I want our intimacy back, you are either tired or not there physically
• When i need your help for our child, you seek someone else to help you rather than trying your best

These are only the things i can remember now, because that what hurts me the most.

Instead of me, making you happy, someone else makes you happy. It should be me, giving you comfort it is something/someone else gives you comfort. It should be me are socialising but you like others instead.

So how did it happen? Those question i have been asking are not answered yet because we both don't know how.

I start to ask myself first. I found some answer

• I start assuming
• I thought you will always understand me
• I expect that you will always make me happy
• I always take what you can give
• I assume that you see what I give to you
• I assume every time i push you away, you will wait for me to come back

I am sorry for being like this, I thought we express our feelings the same way and my impatient is just impatient but I was wrong. Every one of us express it differently, I should have believe on you more.

But you have to consider my sacrifices;

• You can see that I stop taking care for myself because I devoted my time to raise our child
• If i dont interest you in some ways, you can tell me rather than leaving me behind
• If we dont share the same interest, rather than doing it alone, we can support each other instead
  We changed so fast and we both didnt acknowledge it.

Now we are both suffering, we both have egos, we both dont talk, we both didnt try to fix it, we both didnt care. But we are both hurt, we both feel disappointment, we both feel frustrated, we both feel unwanted. Can one thing be both still mutually positive? Will it be LOVE?

Im writing this letter for you to be aware of what I am doing for myself.
I want you to be aware that im changing for what really matters to me. I want to tell you that I follow my heart to every decisions i make but I also follow my mind to what is right thing to do. I want to set expectations to you rightfully to prevent doing another mistake.

I am crying every night from the day we talked. I am bothered every time I remember that night. I cannot be like this for long, as I have to be a role model for the children im taking care. I am hoping that it is you who will still comfort me, I am still hoping that its you who will put that smile back. I am still hoping that we can share time again. Im still hoping that we can be as happier as we were.

But if you let me wait for too long, I am hoping i will still be as hopeful as I am now. As i’ve said, im following my heart to every decisions i make, but i follow my mind to what is the right thing to do. If being hopeful is what my heart say, my mind cant wait to be hopeful all the time. Time is precious, i cannot waste it for being hopeful, I cannot waste it to cry, I cannot waste it just wait.

If you still care for me, please come back to me and talk. If you dont care for me, please come back to me and talk. Give me answers and the i will be at ease.

P.S
Your Future-Ex