help me write again!

My first post on steemit happened about year and a half ago. At the time, I saw the possibilities of future posts floating above my head in a glowing fog, ripe for the picking. Since then, I've only published one other post. Though I keep up with the community, I have found it almost comically impossible to get my own stuff out there.

Why is that?

I once did an exercise of writing every single day for a year. At times this felt a huge hinderance and at others it felt very restorative. After the year was up, I had a thick book of memories to show for it. But something about this journal of mine--loaded with grief, joy, and everything in between--started to rub me really wrong. In fact, I wanted to be nowhere near it. I realized the impossibilities of writing truthfully. Even if just for myself.

There is a power in words and record keeping that has more consequences than I could have thought. Just as a photograph begins to take on a body of its own, re-defining the moment it was captured, and storing that moment visually in a single image forever, writing can also transform the ways in which we remember. My memories of the year I wrote every day are almost entirely defined by the words I employed, the mood I was in, and the experiences I chose or negated from the journal. It's like I wrote the year into my own personal film to be watched and rewatched. My own writing felt like a voyeuristic on intrusion on my own life. There are some interesting parallels to the somewhat exposing nature of the blockchain here...the inevitable permanence can feel daunting. The private and public spheres swarm together in a series of secure transactions that are ever-persistent. Anyways...I digress.

In the time since that exercise, I almost never write to preserve--only as a tool for processing. And usually I discard the pages once I have found resolve. I certainly don't remember as much--in fact, much of my time feels lost in clouds that occasionally part ways and reveal bits and pieces at a time before closing back up again and revealing something else. But that's okay.

As a current college student, I write all the time. I have pages and pages of discourse on anything from Sufi lodges to curatorial critiques. I want to be intentional and I think sometimes the vast sea of information online can be damaging (which is something the curatorial nature of steemit addresses well). Even so, writing-- be it public or private--feels inherently performative. I don't think there is any getting around that. I have a lot to say but I'm still learning how to say it and how to say it responsibility. So here's to the future of maybe posting maybe not--but at least striving towards living and acting honestly.

--churning out some academic noise--

Any thoughts or advice on the matter? I'd love to hear how you approach writing, publishing, and negotiating with permanence and memory.