I probably shouldnt be so personal on here....

I was here this evening with my family. My grandfather has been sick 25 yrs with asbestos in his lungs. When I was 4 he got sick and was home from then on. We struggled a lot. Recently we see his time is coming to an end and im the only one happy.

When I was a child he took advantage of me. A memory I suppressed most of my life. I have experienced rape by even a deacon of the church. which even after my family knew didn't take action. They never do. I was raised by my grandparents and mom. I am an only child. I now have 4 kids of my own. I was emotionally and verbally abused and belittled all my life and then labeled damaged and ungrateful since all the material things they gave me we not enough to me. I was alone. I learned from a young age how it felt to be lied to and betrayed. Alone in the world with a family who loved me yet hated me. My mother never lived her life out of fear and still lives with grandma till this day. Yet I was resented and once again labeled damaged and ungrateful for he sacrificing her life for me when I never asked for it. Once I had my oldest at 16 yrs old they really let go of how I felt. I was a whore. I was a drunk and drug addict. I was a disappointment. All things told to me by the grandmother that when i was 16yrs old and being abused by my child's father , sat me down with a mixed drink and told me this was all I needed to make the pain fade. I was young abused and afraid. Yet I wasn't allowed to get help. I was physically abused by her dad and had to escape and get a restraining order. I wasn't ever allowed to feel bad or recover because that made me weak. Suck it up and leave... I asked for it all. I deserved it for being the little whore that I am. Not realizing the first man who traumatized me was being catered to like a king while I was the nasty one. The little whore who asked for it all.

My mother and grandma would allow me to have alone time with guys since a young age. They never gave me discipline yet even as a 15yr old confused self harming child I was blamed for my choices. I was damaged alone and ungrateful I hated love. I hated everything. Life wasn't beautiful it was sad and dark.

I tried to be the best mother I could be but at the age of 3 I decided to let go and let them do the amazing job they feel they'd do. They failed and raised her into a child as broken and abused as I was. Yet I carried the blame and responsibility without question.

When she was 4 I had twins. I raised them beautifully. My oldest was told I didn't love her. That all I cared about was my black boyfriend and the bastard children I had by him. They spoke down on me to my oldest and when shed cry for me they would make her feel bad for it. I was a loser, drug addict, and bad mom. Yet worked 2 jobs, never went out, and raised my twins to be children that were respectful and grateful. They would spoil my oldest and let me and the twins starve when I was out of work. Then when id defend my self I was told i'm wrong and aggressive and that's why they hate me. I wasn't allowed to feel. I had to survive and be strong. The same mom who loved my oldest would let a dog that pisses the bed around but when the twins would go happy to see her tell them to leave and get away. She had a tumor and almost died. I felt no sadness. I see now that she is ignorant and really doesn't realize or see all the wrong she's done.

I struggled for years. Battled depression and failure after failure since I was so eager to leave I would always be unprepared and have to move back home. where we would have to stay out of everyone's way and be reminded how unwanted we are. I finally got to a point I had to tell them to shut up and stop. I was done being told im a whore and failure. I was done being told what to do by people that even when you did what they said hated you. Our relationship was rocky for years. I had nothing to say to them. They were selfish and ugly. I was done being blamed. and for that I was blamed as well.....

I have always had a way of looking at the world. I always yearned for fairness, equality, and respect. Regardless of who and where you come from. I was hurt for so long, it pained me to know the people I loved would never change and I understood why children move far away from their family.

I always smoke marijuana. I tested positive and the state was involved. They dropped it all because after evaluating me I was ofcourse a fit parent. with happy healthy children.

I moved back in with my family when I was pregnant with my youngest son who is now 2 yrs old. I thought we had moved past it all. I had forgot how they were from years of not being around them in that way.

They allowed the twins dad to move in, you know the black bastard. My husband and I have a rocky relationship at times but like any couple we argue every blue moon. Well... that's not ok. We got in an argument in the room one night and they wouldn't stop walking in and said he needed to leave because we were causing trouble. 1 argument!!!!!! We were respectful and apologized and stayed. He would use my vehicle. which I wouldn't mind... oh but they did. They acted as if he was fighting and cheating on them instead of me. They told my oldest childs counselor that I smoke marijuana. allowed the state to interview my children and never told me. Thinking that would get him to leave and me to stay without him. I had just paid my rent and told them we would all me gone at the end of the month. That wasn't good enough... I was a whore again. I was a dumb and wrong for not living how they wanted. at 28 yrs old I was supposed to oblige. Kick out my husband and stay because they know whats best right? I was supposed to leave my relationship because they said. Stop my life and live like my mother. confined and controlled. The state came and they held their head in glory till they told them I had to leave. they were now responsible for the bastard children of mine. I was gone for 6 mos. They dropped the investigation and I was able to come back so I can find a place big enough for my children now. They use it against me. Say the kids are theirs and they do everything. I'm worthless. Yet its been only a few months that they have done anything for them. I signed a power of attorney so they could act on my part and they claim it as if its custody. They wont allow their father here. Im supposed to leave him still. When I say ill have our place soon they tell me the kids are theirs and to go live my life. why would I let such people keep my kids. The baby can be quiet but touch the wrong thing and he is verbally attacked by an adult who cant control her own emotions and see shes not mad at him but herself.

Im sorry I needed to vent. I am above it and understand it all now but I still have this anger in me. I recently started trading and have a large amount of income coming in. I want to leave and say the hell with them but I don't have the heart they do. I care still. I understand they tried their best and they only showed me what they were shown. Their battle is their battle. I just feel drained by their negativity. I get tired of being treated as if I'm wrong by people who still believe the news is real and the government loves us.

This caused me to always blame myself. I allowed everyone to abuse and use me since it had to be my fault It was always my fault. I wasn't good enough to be loved and respected. I didn't deserve loyalty and comfort. I did many thing I shouldn't have longing for love and attention. For someone to think I'm special.

I have came a long way. But I feel its time i'm honest about it all. I never have spoke about it.

I raise my children with grace and respect. They are kind. They are uplifting. They are beautiful. I speak life into them. I never blame. I listen to understand and I am amazed by them and feel they are they all deserve to be unique happy individuals with out ever feeling they have to live up to my standards. Ill love them always. They can not fail in my eyes.

I just cant hold it in. I need to put this out even if its just to give some relief to myself.

I've lived without eating for days at a time.. homeless and scared. Yet I still feel like I don't have the right to feel sad.

I still rather take the blame for the people who wont take any blame for themselves. I care so much I don't even want the people who hurt me to suffer and feel bad for harming me. I want them to be happy.

Maybe this isn't what this site is for. So many things i left out. just don't have anyone who understands me. I always have to be that strong person in real life that people I know personally don't see I'm human and hurt as well. I feel like I'm being small minded as well by allowing them to make me feel these things that I am no longer a victim to. How do I drop my victim mentality? I can do it with everyone else but them. No matter the success I have I will always and forever be damaged.

well I have to go... I need to help my grandpa:/