Thoughts on life, my MRI scan and actifit training: August 27 2019

Well, my friends, I got the pamphlet about my pending MRI Scans. 😓

At least one way or another I will find out what is wrong, if it is a tumour, what treatments are available and how long it will take until I can get back to work full time.

I do not believe in worrying, whatever happens, will happen and worrying won't change one iota of that. It will, however, drain you, it is a waste of creative energy. Worrying will do no good whatsoever.

At this point, I just want my life back. I want to go back to Turkey and Iraq, resume the Aid/education projects fully, get back to my aerospace work in the U.S, back to my other ventures globally. Being stuck here in Scotland has not done my psyche any good. I love my home country but I feel that it's no longer my home. Most people I knew are gone and I feel like a relic here.😢

On some level I am disappointed in myself that I was unable to fully fund the aid/education projects for refugees in my illness. My work requires a hands on approach, I am typically on a contract so do not get sick pay. It's the nature of things these days, crap pay, poor conditions, but I suppose many have it worse than me. At the moment, I am living on my own, in a run-down area, and until recently couldn't leave the home for long. I felt this isolation has had a knock on effect on my well being.

Depression and doubt have crept into my life, I doubt my actions at times, other times I feel depression creeping in. When I left the Armed Forces, I had a dark few years where I went down the sh*tter, hit drink heavily and turned into a bitter and nasty person. Hopefully, I will avoid that this time but I feel the depression clawing at the back of my mind, the doubt nagging in my ear.

At least, one way or another I will soon find out what is wrong with my health. I hope very dearly that it can be fixed and I can regain my life. 😊

Saying that, today's training was a 10 mile walk. 2 months ago I couldn't walk 12 meters... I got to about 6 miles, then noticed that actifit had not been started on my phone so I ended up having to restart the app. It was a typical hike, up a 14 degree slope, scramble through some trees, slip on some cowpat.💩😒

My advice to anyone who is looking to do a long walk is to make sure that you have good footwear, good shoes and socks. I tend to wear two socks, one thick and one thing, this helps stop blisters.

At the moment, I am not sure how HF21 is going to pan out. I'll give steem a few weeks to see how it goes, if I stay or go.

On that topic, I am thinking of doing a few short posts about my hometown, a few pictures of an area and talk about its history, maybe a few old pictures from 50+ years ago and now but delve into obscure areas that only locals know about.💭

Take care and have a great night 😁

Hiking, Walking