I hate spam so much, I decided I'm going to reply ... !
That's IT! Enough is enough. I think something broke inside me today.
C'mon, it's just another innocuous spam email... just ignore it, right? You don't have to read it, it doesn't hurt you, the poor lady is just doing her job, replying won't change anything, just leave it be, that's how the world is now...
Not anymore. From now on, any spam that gets through my email filters is going to get a reply.
From now on, I'd like to be known as a superhero named, not "Ant Man", but "Anti-spam Man". Not as catchy, I admit, and probably way less effective, but, seriously this entire industry has to die, and it's time to fight back.
Here is the first cab off the rank:
The original email:
On 13/04/2018 10:30:56 PM, Sherry Williams [email protected] wrote:
Hi,
I was just on your website, I am a fan of what you do and wanted to help you out.
My name is Sherry and I am with Dynametrix Digital, a full service digital agency that helps businesses optimize their digital marketing the right way.
We want to offer you a trail 1st page ranking, for one keyword, on Google within 48 to 72 hours, to promote your business and get some free clients. We also want to show you we got the Chops to do digital marketing the way it's supposed to be done, by getting results, PERIOD.
All that we require is a 10 minute consultation to go over the details, and we will have your trial ranking on Google within 48 to 72 hours.
Get your trial ranking: [link]
We look forward to speaking with you.
Sherry Williams
Client Relations Manager
Dyna Digital
11923 NE Sumner St
STE 611568
Portland, Oregon, 97220
If you received this commercial message by mistake, I apologize. To prevent any future correspondence please visit: [link]
Sincerely,From: Sherry Williams
Email: [email protected]
My Reply
Hey Sherry,
Wow, I'm overwhelmed!
Always great to meet a fan! YAY! AND you want to help me out!? OMG! This is possibly the best day of my life to date -- and I'm pretty fucking old!
Dynametrix Digital sounds AMAZING! I believe you have represented them with as much honour and integrity as a Japanese Samauri. SHING! Amirite, Shelly?
However, before I begin bestowing large financial sums on you so you can help me with the very complex task of digital marketing, I do have one small teeny weeny issue that confuses me.
Surely, if you were really an expert in digital marketing, you'd be able to come up with something better than sending unsolicited, invasive emails to any email address you can scrape from the internet? To people who have no interest in your business, and are actually actively campaigning against the type of marketing you represent?
I don't mean to criticise you, Shammy, because your email was AMAZING, and you clearly are digital marketing warriors, with knowledge I could only dream of, but ... I mean, isn't spam email considered kind of... well... last rung... behaviour? I don't think that of course, but other, less informed people might.
Shazammy, I don't want to challenge how you display your amazing result-based marketing "chops" to potential clients, because, Shevvy, you are clearly the expert here, my GOD, but isn't there a very minor contingent of recipients who are uneducated, misguided and, let's face it, probably severely mentally handicapped, who might come away with the impression that you are pure bottom-feeding scum?
Shoddy, thanks so much for the email! Best of luck to you and yours, perhaps rethink your strategy and what your life has become, and I look forward to working with you and handing over my life savings in the very near future.
Let's skip the 10 minute consultation and go straight to payment. Please send me your account details so we can get this digital marketing thing rolling! I'm stoked! Hard as a rock, right here.
Cheers,
Fourth Rib Media.
PS: You have absolutely NOT made a fool of yourself. Don't even sweat it. In fact I think I love you. I might as well take a shot here. Will you marry me, Shitty?!
Conclusion
What do you think? Did I go too far? Should I keep going? Should I make a suit for "Anti-spam Man" and start patrolling the streets for bad marketing practices?
Feel free to contact Shrimpy and let her know how much you love her spam emails.