What I learned living with an alcoholic for years

The story starts in the middle of the dirty streets of San Francisco. At the time, I’m a young engineer trying to recover a decent life style after spending it all building a company that simply was not successful. When we decided it was time close the business, my total net worth was less than a month worth of rent. Broke, I was. At this point I had very few possibilities. I could have gone back home, ask my family for support and try to start over from there; but that would have been giving up and failure was not an option. Nothing was waiting for me there and most importantly I felt leaving meant abandoning my dreams. When the project fell apart I immediately had to find a new job and soon after a new place to live.

After an intensive month of research on Craigslist, I finally found a cheap place I could see myself living into. The place was small, a two bedroom-one bathroom with a small kitchen a and living room in a building from the 50s, pretty picturesque but so much better than what I had. The girl that was subleasing the place had been there for 10 years. I remember clearly our first encounter during the interview process to get the place: she was with her girlfriend and offered a beer. How nice of her. We had a good and passionate talk, and offered me the room pretty much right away. That was it, roommate we were going to be. I had no idea what I was about to put myself into but it’s over that beer that started one of the most interesting human adventure of my life.

The first weeks flew by and we got to know each other a bit more every day. However, being very driven and passionate about what I do, I was not spending much time home. I had always something better to do and so it actually took us a good few months to really connect on a deep level. Turned out, both of us have very strong personalities. It sometimes clashed but we actually enjoyed each other honesty and sincerity. It’s only after a little while that I realized not only she had a problem with alcohol, but also that it was really serious.

Now that I think about it, the first signs showed up after few weeks. Empty bottles were constantly appearing and disappearing in the kitchen or the living room. Many, many loud fights on the phone with her girlfriend or her family, often late at night. Nights she would sometimes spend inconsolably crying until she fell asleep. As a stranger that just move there I could easily have run away, find something else, or simply acted as if I was not seeing it. But that’s not really who I am, I hate to close my eyes on the surrounding difficulties; I felt destiny had brought us together for a reason. I decided to sacrifice my own comfort, face the situation and stay; I have observed, listened, understood and eventually supported her through a lot of different phases, but along the way I’ve learned so much.

First, let me tell you a bit about her. She always has been socially gifted, nice and smart with people, a lovely big mouth. Emotionally, she’s been through a lot and unfortunately a series of bad decisions led her into a downward spiral. Financially, she also had difficulties making ends meet and could not live on a budget. Drinking became the only way she could escape reality and the constant pressure that comes with society. It was not every day, but definitely few times a week. Alone or with her friends sometimes, every time something went wrong she had to drink. Despite the fact that she had no money, she would always scramble and manage to get liquor. It was the one think that could not be missing. Because of all the alcohol she was consuming so much of her meals were made of junk food, completely sacrificing her health and diet.

Few months after I moved in, her girlfriend decided to break up with her. She could not handle it anymore; it was a very difficult period for my roommate. She started to drink more and more to forget about it, the more she was drinking the more she needed it, and the less money she had. We verbally fought a lot; she was unconsciously looking for ways to express her frustration, her rage, and I was the only one around… Quickly, I realized you don’t argue with drunk people because you can’t rationally win. The argument and the reason why you were debating in the first place generally does not matter much, it’s extremely more profound. It took me a crazy amount of effort but over the weeks I managed to keep an extreme composure, stop thinking with my head and started listening with my heart. After a year, I became what she really needed: the shoulder she would cry on. Someone present, attentive and supportive. Eventually she started to listen to some of my advices and slowly but surely made better life decisions.

It’s often very hard to really grasps how complicated it is to break out of bad habits, especially when these are negative cyclic patterns. Having a good support structure can literally mean the difference between life and death.

I spent 5 years living alongside her. Looking back, I’m truly grateful for all the moments we’ve shared, the good and the bad, as it completely changed me. I was at times mentally exhausted, extremely frustrated, strongly irritated and/or disappointed. It’s probably nothing compared to how she felt inside but to be present I had to overcome my limits many, many times. It all made me realized I was able to sustain huge amounts of mental pressure and deal with the most difficult scenarios on a regular basis. I have been able to use this knowledge to fight my own daemons. Interestingly enough, it also changed my relationship with alcohol, as I recently allowed myself to drink again after spending over a year without sipping a single drop of it. This is a story for later but I’ve know now: balance is often the key to true happiness.