image source.

I've been sick for about three weeks straight.

This is the first time in my life something like this has happened to me. It sucks. Everytime I think I am getting better, my body says "no," and I get knocked on my ass again. Admittedly, some of it is my fault. Lack of sleep, too much drinking (my birthday was this month) and then deciding to get naked and run through the snow with a bunch of dudes and mosh around in a Shinto shrine, probably did not help the situation (beyond some much needed, if temporary, stress relief).

I got a nasty sinus infection (INFUCKTION) which has been migrating around my face and throat and body for weeks now, and has finally reached my chest, where it appears to be finally waning in strength, and its efforts to destroy me, flagging.

Why haven't I gotten better? In one word: STRESS.

From social obligations to my current, extremely spiritually taxing/emotionally draining job, to moving into a new place, concerns about my son's health and well-being, to the incessant and imminent vague blanket threats of the state (those of us who know what the state is and wish to still live free can never really relax, as we understand the force they can bring to bear--and ruination they can cause--at any time, for any contrived reason, whether we've done anything "wrong" or not), my being has been in a state of FEAR. I'll get into the specifics of some of these stressors later, but for now, suffice it to say that constantly being in an unending state of "fight vs. flight" is not conducive to healing, health, or well being.

Becoming frustrated yesterday I googled "sinus infection won't go away," or something along those lines. I read some articles about long-lasting common colds and sinus problems. The overwhelming consensus as to the cause of these phenomena was--you guessed it--stress. Stress takes a big toll on the body, and as such, can severely compromise the immune system's ability to function. So even though I felt like a heel as my wife's parents--now senior citizens--helped with much of the end stages of our move as I lay in bed knocked the fuck out, trying to fight it was a lost cause. My body kept saying/keeps saying: "No. You and I are going to get better. Slow down and eliminate these things that are causing the alarm bells to ring incessantly.

What am I doing about it?

Well. That's a tough question. Basically I am now realizing that I have 1. stretched myself to thin with perceived social obligations, 2. been in a state of deep-seated, emotional fear for a long, long time now, and 3. been living to meet the expectations of others, as superior to my own expectations for myself. A certain amount of "righteous anger" is required here to get shit done, cut the unnecessary stuff out of my life, and return to health.

1. Cutting out people and saying "NO."

Yes, as brutal as it sounds, my days of being a phony people-pleasing extrovert are over. It's too taxing, not useful, and unnecessary. This revelation comes to me about once every 8 years where I have a small breakdown of sorts and just kind of cut off old ties that are not serving me, and start again. Those of you who are empaths will get this. Those who are not probably won't. When you are good at helping/listening/encouraging others, you can also very easily become a magnet for others who claim to need support, and who will attempt to use you (not always consciously/maliciously, either) as a counselor, sounding board, or perceived pillar of emotional support. Once this shit gets out of control, and you've got 20-some odd people messaging you every day, you will snap. Eventually. You won't be able to keep up. Message responses will be delayed, and your life, both personal and professional will be compromised.

If you don't want to do something, SAY NO. If you would rather spend time with a person who means more to you, or just be alone, don't say "Yeah, I can do that" or "Sure, no problem," but "I can't today, I have other plans," or "No thanks, I think I am going to take some me time and recharge today." Make a list of those individuals who mean the most to you and place them as priorities for you. There is only so much time, and you only have one body. The person you should be trying to please is YOURSELF.

2. Taking small--even tiny--decisive and concrete steps toward your goals.

Bro. I've got so much goddamn paperwork to do in the next month that it's not even funny. Well, at least, that's how it feels to me. More accurately though, I should say I have paperwork to do, the ostensible goals and purposes of which I I disagree with on a fundamental, moral, and intrinsic level.

First I have to renew my visa here in Japan. Fine. No problem. I just have to tell these buffoons how much money I make every month, and if anyone else is supporting me with gifts or other monetary help, and then provide their yearly salaries and detailed background information, including address, place of employment, etc. Nobody's goddamn business, but so be it. That's the state. If I want my family and property to remain unmolested, undamaged, unstolen, and undestroyed, I just have to answer. The issue? Well, I can't get into the specifics of that right now for privacy reasons, but suffice it to say that sometimes the more forthcoming you are with certain details, the greater your potential to be violated, due to the immorality, intentional complexity, and illogical difficulty of the instructions given and the "system" itself.

But I digress. The point is, step-by-step, little by little, I am now getting this shit done. Going at a snail's pace, but still. What did I do yesterday? I printed out and filled out most of my visa renewal application form. Yay, me! Even though this was just a small chunk of the mountain of bullshit I need to accomplish, that one small chunk is done, and it opened up some hard drive space in my head and now my perspective on the rest of the mountain has changed a bit, and new ideas are coming through. Solving large problems one small, approachable stone at a time, seems to be the real way to get things done. It always lights up the way, offering views of possibilities not previously visible.

3. Fucking getting sick of being sick.

I'm not talking about my physical sickness here, but of the fear and dread which have been my constant companions for so much of my life. All of it, really. Today I got so sick of feeling these things that I got a little mad.

You know what? SO WHAT if things go south. SO WHAT if some unforeseen shit happens. I am so sick of feeling this way. FUCK THIS SHIT. I DON'T CARE ANYMORE. I am going to DO MY BEST and LET THE CHIPS FALL WHERE THEY MAY. I HAVE A LIFE TO ENJOY RIGHT NOW!

One of my good friends once told me as we sat in my car talking late one night, that fear was the only emotion he couldn't figure out what to do with. He said it was useless, unless transmuted into anger. Righteous indignation. I have to agree. The kind of fear one feels if a lion appears in the trees is not what I would call our modern, neurotic brand of fear at all. If I see a lion in the trees, I don't need to think. I run. Or. I immediately crouch down and hide.

The fear we experience as a result of unfulfilling jobs, impersonal, inhumane governments, and unspoken threats of social ostracism are nothing like this "fear" of a lion. What we have today is a society full of beautiful, powerful (by design), human individuals living in a state of constant neurotic fear, as though the lion is both simultaneously here and not here. We are told we are not normal if we question the basic structures of society and government, that the lion will come should these things cease to exist or change, and then in the very same breath told that these two "protectors," society and government, are also at once, the lion itself, and to be feared and "respected," or else. We see the state act as marauding beast all the time. We are also shown footage of this marauding beast supposedly protecting us from other "beasts" overseas, or other human individuals in our own communities which the news media is more than happy to paint as unforgivable, inhuman demons, against which we cannot protect ourselves, but should instead depend on government's "protection."

The neurotic fear produced in the hearts and minds of millions by the state is qualitatively identical to that produced by religions which sell a god who is all-loving but will also send one to a fiery, eternal damnation if a baptismal prayer is said incorrectly or sexual pleasure is experienced in the "wrong way."

This has been a long, meandering post. Suffice it to say that fear will always be with us. Even moreso with those who are awake, conscious, and aware.

Stress as well.

We have to take care of ourselves, simplify our lives, and support one another, in order to survive and remain healthy, in this indescribably sick and illogical statist culture and society. So, here's my final prescription for myself today:

• CUT OUT PEOPLE, THINGS, OBLIGATIONS NOT SERVING YOU
• TAKE SMALL, DECISIVE STEPS
• TURN FEAR INTO ANGER (OR TRUE FEAR--not neurotic) WHICH PROMPTS ACTION

Thanks for reading.

~KafkA

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Graham Smith is a Voluntaryist activist, creator, and peaceful parent residing in Niigata City, Japan. Graham runs the "Voluntary Japan" online initiative with a presence here on Steem, as well as DTube and Twitter. (Hit me up so I can stop talking about myself in the third person!)