The Horror and Wonder of Travel

You've got a deadline to meet or else you'll be stranded forever in a fluorescent hell. People, people glaring and looking at you everywhere you turn. And soon, you'll be locked in a confined space next to strangers with nothing but a dim trust in minimum wage employees to ensure everything you own will arrive with you.

Hi. I have agoraphobia and anxiety, and I travel every month.

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You all know those types who who say they love to travel.

"oh I LOVE the beach! I'd travel if money was no problem and just sit on the beach with Margarita!"

"if I could just do whatever I want I'd travel. I've always wanted to go to Europe and see all the sites!

"I bet you love going all over the US, getting to TRAVEL to all those beautiful places."

But do you see the real problem here?

None of those people are actually talking about travel. Most of them have never even flown! They have this picturesque dream of cozy flights watching the clouds go by, then disboarding right onto the beach without a care in the world.

No, what "travel people" really want is to escape to somewhere better. They want to see cobblestone roads and delightful little street lights casting a romantic scene around them. They want fantasy.

So Let me walk you through a real trip, stripped bare of the idealistic facade.

It's the day of the flight, and you've made a list of items to bring. You can't shake the feeling of forgetting something though, so you check it again. And again for good measure. There's nothing missing, but the feeling persists. You watch some TV, or try to read. Something before you have to leave.

Then, the time arrives. You load up in the car and begin the slow process of realizing there's no going back, and if you did forget something, you'll never be able to recover from that mistake. On the way, the idea of not seeing your friends or family for a week starts to creep into your heart, starts the process of isolation and perverted loneliness.

But enough of that, you're here. Goodbye, everyone I love. Goodbye, my comfortable home and everything I own. Hello painful linoleum and endless fake smiles.

Bag check. Waiting. Endless questions that mean nothing. The weighing of the -maat- bag against the -feather- limits of the god of airline regulations. Everything you need to survive this trip is taken from you and quickly, unceremoniously forced into a flap marked "AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY".

Up next, the glorified ritual of invasion. Present your ID for intense scrutiny from an apathetic mall cop turned agent of the empire. Remove your shoes, your watch, your ring, your kidneys, your laptop, your wallet keys notebook . Step forward, scum. Arms on the head. Walk forward. It hits you that you DID forget something.

And that's it, no lollipop or thank you or pop gun. You're in the amazing love child of Disneyland price gouging and dingey shopping mall that is...

T H E A I R P O R T.

So what do you do after the stress? You sit. And wait. And wait. And wait. Your phone is getting low, better top up. But that means sitting very close to strangers who very obviously do not wish to be bothered. But you do it, and just know you're an ass for it.

And now the big moment... You board. No pomp, just number called, check your bag please. Find seat. Get up again because others need by. Please listen to our safety message to... Pretzels. Exactly 3 sips of complimentary drink. There's a legitimately fun moment of looking at the little earth below you.

And when you land, you sit in the longest awkward silence in human history as the 6 elderly foreigners in the front struggle alone against their hoard of ludicrously large carry on bags, holding the entire plane of poor saps up who are too afraid to either say something or go help, and suddenly the fight attendants are completely missing.

But you land, and there you go. You've traveled.

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Thanks for taking your journey with me! I want you to know that going to be places can be awesome, even if you have anxiety issues. But the actual act of moving across land and sea to get to those places will suck. Make sure to follow and share, because I'll be posting a series of guides to help others have a less stressful experience on their own ventures.