In my shadow

Coming clean on some issues are more difficult than others.

The first time I noticed something was wrong was 10 years back during my undergraduate studies. It is just hard to comprehend something you don't understand. At first it was just a perceived increase in heart beat but soon episodes culminated in pure mayhem for me. Cold sweats, tension around the temples and cold hands and feet. Difficulty to breathe and a dryness in the mouth that cannot be gotten rid of no matter how much water I took. The picture below sums up my feelings nicely

I was mostly in a state of denial for the first few years, not wanting to show this rather peculiar weakness of mine. So I had to keep smiling through the worst of it, putting a front of confidence and happiness that wasn't always true. I did all of this until about 3 years back, when the episodes started becoming more regular. At the insistence of my wife, the only living soul to know about it, I consulted a specialist who diagnosed me with general anxiety disorder.

The prescribed meds helped, the support from my wife helped, but the feeling of not fitting in didn't really go away. I would actively avoid meetups, get togethers and any form of social interaction out of fear of humiliating myself in front of others. This resulted in a very limited ring of social friends (3 to be exact) who new about this. It also meant that I was always seen as a distant person, with some work colleagues questioning my extreme introvertness. But I'm still not ready to break the ice with 'Hi, I can't come tonight. I have anxiety disorder'. In my mind, that doesn't work and it probably won't in real life either

Changes lately to my life has me wishing that this thing would go away. But almost a full year of clean slate went to ashes with one episode last night and I come to acceptance that this isn't going to go away. The only real plus for me at this point is that after 10 years, I know how to manage it sufficiently enough to get on with the daily tasks of my life. A good book to read, a good hobby to invest time in and a loving and caring family and friends (no matter how limited) has helped and I hope that it will be enough to manage this fault I carry around in my shadow everyday.