Ten tips for Atari games you don't have instructions for:

I was born in the eighties and, to be honest, I barely remember them.

I remember my first day of preschool for some reason, and the day I got a sega master system, that’s about it.

I did, however, play a lot of games -from- the eighties later.

When I was around ten I took up the French Horn. The house where I went for the lessons had an old Atari set up for waiting kids, so I’d mess around with it.

So, in the spirit of those days, here are my ten tips for playing an Atari game you don’t have the instructions for:

1. Check if it’s working at all. Does anything at all happen if you move the joystick? Odds are probably not. Try really pushing the cord in and really whale on the buttons (don’t forget the ones on the console itself!).
2. By now some of the squares on the screen are surely moving about. Now, which one are you? If you are playing ET, this will be the only easy part.
3. Are you playing ET? If so, stop. Please.
4. Now that you know who you are, what kills you?
5. Is that a power up or a deadly spider? Only one way to tell!
6. It was a spider, I promise you.
7. What?
8. No, I don’t care if you always wanted to try ET.
9. Seriously, I know you think it’s funny cause it’s bad but don’t. Don’t do this to yourself.
10. Great, you fell in a pit.
11. You have to lift your neck up, idiot. Yes, that makes him fly.
12. No, it wasn’t in the movie.
13. I don’t know, trees I guess?
14. No this isn’t some sort of classic.
15. No, it’s not actually really good it’s garbage.
16. I KNOW THERE ARE WORSE ATARI GAMES BUT THAT DOES NOT MAKE THIS ONE GOOD!
17. Great, you made me go over ten tips.
18. I’m not helping you play ET, I dunno what to tell you.
19. Fine, you have limited steps and you have to collect stuff for your interplanetary phone thing.
20. You fall into pits if even one pixel of you overlaps, including your head.
21. I do know it makes no sense and is infuriating, yes.
22. But you gotta go in them, it’s where the phone pieces are.
23. Oh, also Dick Tracy wants to arrest you I guess but you can get out on bail.
24. Milkmen are likewise evil, yes.
25. The kid demands you scoop your own leavings before he will help you.
26. Arrgh….just...
27. STOP
28. STOP
29. STOP
30. Just…
31. Ok, give me the controller.
32. NO, I CAN DO THIS.
33. ONE MORE TRY.
34. AS:LJDASLDJKASIDWAAPWADSL:DKASDLKAJDSAS:DJ:LKJDASDJAD FUCKING PITS.
35. I KNOW YOU ARE IN ONE OF THESE YOU SPEAK N’ SAYING FUCK…

I hope this is helpful and also that all Ataris are gone and destroyed and I will never have to see one ever again.