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RE: Oh my word what is this place
As a father of two boys (6 and 10) currently seeking diagnose for suspected Aspergers' I can somewhat relate to your story. It can't be easy. Cheers and lots of strength to your parenting!
Every days is a battle just changes wha it's about every day lol. Could be anything from the wrong spoon to just asking them to take their dishes out that starts a meltdown and the two are completely different it what sets them off. My sister-law has boys on the spectrum and in boys they tend to get more hyper than the girls from what I have seen.
They see the world in a different way and I sometimes wish that we could have a glimps of what it's like have to deal with things and see things as they do as it would help us to help them.
Good luck.
Ahh... these are so familiar issues. Spoons especially tend to trigger all kinds of tantrums if it's not the actual "special" kind of spoon. You are right, it would be nice to know, and especially to understand what goes inside those brains of theirs sometimes.