Hey, thanks for your post.
I find your writing easy to read and understand. The content (so far) has tended to be a bit dark, but that's your life, and I understand darkness.
It seems to me you have a good understanding of your illnesses and situation, and that your sadness is appropriate. I think most of what you talk about is very normal for somebody going through what you're going through. That doesn't make it any better or easier, I know.
Chronic pain is misunderstood by all who haven't experienced it. The best way most of us can explain this to people is "it takes on a life of its own". Not because we want it to, of course, but it happens eventually to anyone who suffers significant pain over a long period of time. It can't be ignored forever, and there are cumulative effects of suffering.
It sounds like, for you, the ups and downs are tiring and destructive. When you feel just a little bit well, you overdo it, and temporarily lack judgment in knowing when to scale back. At least you're becoming aware of that, and maybe it's the start of being able to improve it.
How are you for support? Family, friends, medical professionals, communities or groups? Sounds like you've got a furry companion at least :)
As for your bday, if it means a lot to you, I'm sorry it wasn't a good one. Personally I care very little for bdays. 29, hah, barely an adult at this point! ;) I'm pushing toward mid 40s. And really, we're both young. You're a wise 29, and despite not being in full health, you're also not dead, and you're in better health than some people are. Doesn't make it any better, but it's perspective. Sorry for being blunt, but it's kind of my only setting.
I hope you're able to remain at least somewhat optimistic for your tomorrows, which can make today's suffering a little more bearable. And I also hope that the suffering begins to subside, today and every day, until you're totally happy and healthy again, even if that takes a while. Lastly I hope you find something pleasant, fun, interesting, or exciting about today. Even if it's a small thing, it's something.
Anyway, I can hear you. I can even understand you. Hell, I can (at least partially) empathize with you!
You deserve better than to suffer like this. I'm sorry that you're going through it.
Please take care of yourself,
DRutter
So grateful we connected! Thank you for reading this and taking a moment to understand what going through this means for me. The ups and downs are very destructive...and each burnout brings me closer to the edge. Dangerous way to continue to live...but at this time in my life I only have the awareness...not realistic solutions. A better support system would probably help quite alot. I live alone and only have my mom checking in once every few days...the rest of my family keeps their distance. I never made any new friends after moving here and it's too isolated to get around anyway. Other old friends drifted away or decided to avoid me much like family does. Compassion is usually there...they can sometimes see how much pain I experience...but don't want to see it or be reminded that something this bad can strike you down. They don't want to be around someone who gets easily tired. As for medical professionals...offline communities and groups those are non existent too. I have tried to establish them time and time again but so far there is always something preventing them from sticking. Completely on my own here...accept for my cat of course! She is my best friend...family and light in my life. Strip everything else away...and spending each day with her is what keeps me going. I don't often make comparisons on whose health is worse to gain perspective because it's relative...and somewhat subjective too. Similar to comparing happiness...comparing misery never really results in something beneficial to work with. Anyway...thank you so very much for the kind words! Not sure when ill be back in action.
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I was too late to UV your original post so I UV'd this comment. <3
I feel a lot of what you said. I wish there was a magick healing wand I could wave to heal all my friends who deal with chronic conditions of various types. People who don't I don't think fully grasp how it wears on you.
I hope the canna-curate fundraiser is successful enough to get you some tinctures! Much love. <3