A Blind rant that ends good.

I said before that I didn't want my blog to be full of me ranting about being blind. well, I guess that's impossible. I just don't have anything else to talk about. et alone anyone to talk to, so I just trow this shit on steemit knowing no one will even see it or care if they do. I'm just so fucking tired of being blind. I'm sick of it. I have no friends, I have no ability to mnake friends. I can't do anything fun because verything I used to love has been stolen from me. I used to be a gamer, can't do that anymore. I used to love bike riding and exploring, can't do tha anymore. I'm just fucking done with this shit. I just want to die half of the time. This is an insult. I slowly plug away doing my programming ad writing but I know it will never lead anywhere. I'm so jealous that my girlfriend who had a very hard life hersxelf is able to unwind by playing mmo's. I'd kill for the ability to do anything like that again. Obviously I'm not spell checking this post because what's the point? It's not like anything will change if I do.

It's just a bunch of efort spent on nothing for no reward. I'm so socially isolated it fucking huts., I've been trying to find a solution but I have no idea where to even start. everythiong I love is gone. I've even contemplated joining some kind of DnD group just to have something. I don't even like DnD, I don't have any interest in pen and paper bullshit at all. But I'm not allowed to choose, I have no power. I'm just an intrinsically weak defect, My life is not my own I have to swallow whatever I'm fed because I have no other choice.

Fucking hell, I'm writing this on a raspberry pi because that's my computer now. Is not like I can get any use out of anything else so why bother paying for it? I just sit here alone doing nothing but work because I have no way to destress myself. I have nothing. I'm so sick of it. I'm so sick of being weak. I wish I could kill everyone sometimes. I don't even want to code my games, its an insult that I need to make my own entertainment before I'm allowed to be entertained. I don't want to write either, what the fucks writing gon=ing to do for me? A bunch of work so one or two people can mabe click a button to say they like it? what's the value in that? Nothing. Maybe someon might comment and tell me I did a good job? Oh wow, so much incentive to write! I might get a fucking comment or two, wow! There's literally nothing worth sopending effort on in my life. If it's not going to give me my youth and sight back then it's worthless. That's why I do magic, it's a slim chance but it's better than nothing. Besides I already have no friends so it's not like I've got anythibng to lose by talking about it. Fucking hell life is worthless.

ife only has value if youre rich, for everyone else who have no power they're just lucky if they're able to be happy. I'm really tired of all of this. I know I'm going to post this and after 7 days there's going to be zero trafic on it. I know that's what will happen. Because why the fuck would anyone pay attention to a low quality shit post like this. At leastmy intro post was accurate, I have failed at contributing anything meaningful to stemit. I suppose I didn't fail since I barely tried. But I get some degree of stress relief from venting this publicly where it has some chance of being seen by someone. There's no way though. No fucking way. I'd get on something like irc if irc was worth anything anymore. I've tried getting a dicord command line thing working because discord doesn't work on a raspbery pi and I really don't want to have to keep spending effort just to get the chance to do minor bullshit. Not like I'd have anything worthwhlile to talk about ther even if I did. Not like I can do anything with anyone, I'm just a fucking lead weight. I can't game, I can't do fucking anything. Because I'm blind. Just everything is shit, everything. My whole life is shit. People might argue it's because of my attitude and on one hand they're right., I could technically choose to see this all from a different, more positive perspective. But then I'd just be lying to mself. None of this is good, none of this, and I'm not going to lie to myself and say that it is. It's all bad, blindness is bad, it's done nothing but confirm what I already knew, that power is everything in life. If you have no power then you have no choice. and if you have no choice then you have no happiness. Power is happiness. Acquisition of power is the meaning of life. I suppose it's more accurate to say that freeedom is happness, it certainly is for me. But freedom requires choice which requires power. So power is freedom
and freeomd is happiness.

Etc, etc, I'm just rambling now. Not lie it matters, no one will read past the first couple lines of this. What a fucking worthless world this is, can't even be happy in it. I'm venting just so I can get this out of my system so I can go back to being productive. that's what it's always about, productivity. I can't live for anything else. i either get things to work or nothing matters. On the bright side I did get some incredibly minor telekinetic stuff to happen the other day so that's something. I do't care if peple don't believe me, their opinions have no material value so what good are they?

I figure I'm deep enough into this to say shit like that since no one will ever see it. Fucking hell i just want my goddamn magic. With it I could be happy, without it life continues to be wothless. People say that you should try to be happy in the moment because defferring happiness to something else means you'll never get it. but there's nothing good about my life. Well, theres things that are at least not horrible, like getting diability payments. That's not horrible., But i'd much rather be abe to work at a job myself. Oh I konw I could still do tha blind but the jobs availiable are all worthless. Besides, regular non defective people deserve those jobs, not me, their life is worse than mine is because they are forced to struggle in this pathetic world. they deserve tose opportunities, not me, I'm jusrt a fuckingdefect.

I weonde how unintelligble this has gotten? I have no idea since it's not lie I can see the screen. Every website uses this stupid eye bleachingly white background and then uses light grey or black text. Oh yeah that's so great to stare at, that's burn someones retinas at all. More sites should use black backgrounds and white text, I'm sure even sighted people will apreciate it. especially late at night. I barely have any tunnle vision left anyways so it won't matter. I'll probably stop using a computer entirely when I lose it because screen readers suck. they're just a reminder of how weak I am and how pathetic life is. Not to be able to even browse the internet because I'm blibnd. I hate everything and damn near everyone. I'm sure I don't actually hate them it's jus how I feel right now. The only entertainment I have left is food, I used to be a martial artist, but fuck that now, what kind of fight am I going to win blind? one, becaue I'm weak. I'm just a target. Some people tell me that my cane is a signal for people to be nice to me or help me. Its not, it's a signthat I'm easy prey. I can be taken out so easily its pathetic. I don't go anywhere alone anymore, I don't want to get mugged. I doubt there's even a high chance of it, but it's more than zero and it's not like I could defend myself. Now I'm a supporter of eugenics because I can't see any value in this shit. wll, no,. I guess I'm not a suppoter, but I understand why some people are. People like me just hold everyone else back, if we were all dead the world might be a bit better. But that's a slippery slope and those are bad. I at least feel like I should die, I should just go away and everything would be betr. But I want my revenge on reality so I won't do it. Reality is going tohave to work harder that this to get rid of me.

Everyone should just rebel against the government or whoever and go full anarchy. I know that would mean I'd be killed but whatever, it's not like my life had any value anyways. I'm only alive because others allow me to live, I have no value of my own. I would never be able to make it in the real world, I'd never be able to compete for a job or whatever. I'm what gets taken out of the gene pool for being unadaptive. And tht's how it should be. If someone wanted to they could just cut off my disability payment stuff and I'd have no way to stop them. Maybe they should just do that, what's teh fucking point of supporting someone who isn't paying you back? What's teh equal exchange in that? It's just wasted resources. I wish magic wasn't taking so fucking ong. I'm so tired of being closer and closer but never there. Having all the puzzle piece,sall the evidence that it works but being unable to put it all together. Why is this shit so hard? I get jealous whenever I hear about other peoples sucess with psi wheels and such. They always seem to ge t it within the first few seessions. I've done some stupid amazing shit via ghosting but I've never managed to get the same things work right in front of me. I suppose my minor success the other day is something but it's so preliminary I can't even really count it yet. Gotta replicate it in a more controlled way a couple times first before I do that. Goddammit I can't believe I spend my life on magic, but what else should I spend it on? Sould I get a job like everyone else and act like I contribute to society because I ge money? Should I tell myself my life has value if I get a paycheck? What bullshit, people who define their worth by their jobs are sad people. Granted I'm defining my worth by my power so I'm no better. I guess I'm not defining my wrth, juist my happiness. I think deep down I'm worth a lot to myself, that's why I want reveng. that's why I refuse to ever stop or give up no matter how bad things get for me, no matter how much I lose, no matter how weak I get. It's a matter of principle. I refuse to ever give up, I would rather cease to exist entirely before doing that.

That's why I'm venting this all here, it keps me going. I'm proud that I'm so solutions oriented. that even during breakdowns like this I'm still able to form a plan and act on it. that it's never just an emotinal breakdown, it's me trying to solve my problem. I mean I talked about all the shit I'm doing to solve my social isolation and sure maybe I'm discoraged most of the timne. But at least tey're solutions, at least I'm still going forward even if its excruciatingly slow. even if I barely work on it at all, at least it's never left my mind. at least its stil there. I will never, ever give up because I refuse to let reality win. I know I talk about reality like it's aperson, I know it's not, its just easier to talk about that way. Gives me more of a target. I still think no one will read this but who fucking cares I didn't write it for them anyways. I love how this started as me being super sad and depressed but because I'm so determined I used it to become all motivated again by the end. this is one of teh reasons I love myself, I can consciouslly be depressed and yet not depressed at the same time. I can vent it all out and then it's like it never happened. I reallly can't fuckingwait till I achieve my goals or die trying. Because I was special or anything it will be because I never ever gave up. My attitude has pulled me out so many times its hilarious. I hope one day I can help instill that attitude in others, no matter how weak you are and no matter how much everything is aginast you all that matters is your own desires. What you want trumps what everyone else wants, thinks or cares about. It's why I hate skeptics, they're just quitters. they gotta believe wahaever realit tells them. they don't allow themselves to want anything outside of that, and they certinly won't put in teh work to achieve their dreams. They just label it as impossible because its a lot easier to do that than to admit they don't want to try. Or they're afraid of failure and won't do anything that's too hard just in case they might lose. Fucking worthless cowards,. Well anyways this is another shitpost from me, I'm quite produ of it, roud tha it wnt from suicidal depression back to determination again, just like it always does. I'm suresomeone might argue that I shouldn't post this, but fuck it I got nothing to lose and I wrote it for me anyways.

Toodles