My Inner State 9/16

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In absolute silence, I feel worthless and defeated my stomach is in a knot and I'm sure this can't be a healthy feeling. I normally drown out the thoughts in my head replacing them with educational videos on different subjects that interest me, but today I sit in silence with the only input I'm receiving the sound of my ceiling fan blowing on me from above. I am hoping that by writing this I can clear my pent-up negativity but I'm not even sure if this will help. Maybe it will tire me out and I can take a nap at least. My mother wanted to have an early dinner tonight at a nice restaurant and though I'm not in the mood for eating I will force myself to go if she wishes, its not her fault I'm in my predicament. I hate being in this negative state not for myself but for those around me. I feel it's contagious and I rather bear the burden on my own, I can't fake happiness to those who really know me so I don't even try, I just isolate instead. What else can I do? Spread my stress and discomfort with those around me who should be happy and healthy and loving life otherwise if it weren't for me? Seems selfish. I've even lost interest in sharing in others happiness because I know it will not make me feel any better whereas before I used to find pleasure in being around more positive people. Listening to their hopes and dreams and accomplishments. I am now in ultimate survival mode and self-perseverance until my day comes. This is a tough road I'm on though it may not seem like it to the unknowing or unsuspecting. I look fine and able even lost a few pounds from how I used to be but its just a facade to my inner rotting corpse. I am the walking dead so to speak. I barely have any emotion or thirst for living anymore. I live to serve my mother and make sure I am here to take care of her through my trails and tribulations other than that I serve no purpose. I have no wanted needs or desires but I have a hope and a wish to regain that thirst and vigor for life once again. I believe time will heal me. Not interested in professional help because I cannot expect anyone to give me a solution to my present dilemma. I must walk my path and see things through to the finish before I can have my life back. I feel I can manage pain well by not focusing on it and distracting myself with alternate cerebral input, media, such as anime, #Netflix, video games, #youtube, courses and such. It all helps for a little bit. Once I'm in the quiet though it all comes creeping back. Life. My life. All the choices and decisions that have led me to this point. I have regrets. I should have made better choices, been more careful, quit while I was ahead, but no. I slammed into the brick wall traveling at the speed of light. I am now paying for that. I feel that writing a book or novel may help to get some of this off my chest I believe an anonymous publication would probably be the best way for me to go I don't want to hurt anyone close to me any more than I already have. All my lies secrets deceptions get all this crap off my chest it would be a sort of atonement for everything my demons have caused for me to do. Oh yeah, I have demons and when I acknowledged it is when they tried to kill me. They have calmed down more now and I try not to put myself in situations where they can arise once again such as through drugs or alcohol. I rather kill them with boredom. It's my only revenge and chance at salvation whatever that is. I wasn't always like this I can get into it further given more time and I probably should delve down the rabbit hole that is my life a bit deeper for myself mainly, but anyone is welcome to indulge if they choose.