#38 Determined to walk

I’m actually writing this on the laptop this time as Jay is sleeping and he is in my arms so Greg set up the laptop here for me while he works on the computer in the study. I’m not sure how long Jay will sleep for, though. He seems a little wriggly. I just wish he were better at being put down. Yesterday I really wanted to do some stuff for work and he fell asleep. I held him and read my book and waited till I thought it was safe to put him down beside me. No sooner had I put him down than his eyes popped opened and he gave me this look like, “Why did you disturb my sleep?” If I could carry him around I think it would be okay because I could just move to a place that was easier to work from, but wherever he falls asleep, that’s where I’m stuck.

He is so cute, though, and becoming more of a little boy every day. It’s amazing watching him grow. He seems to learn something new just about every day. Now when he is standing, he often lets go of the thing he is holding onto and just stands alone for a few seconds. I wonder how long it’ll be before he walks. I know it’s better for kids to crawl for longer as it supposedly aids brain development and helps with logic and math, but although he does crawl around he seems rather intent on learning to walk so I don’t think it’ll be too long. I guess that means I’ll be even busier. He already tries to get into everything. When he is totally free and can get everywhere – oh boy, the fun starts!

His favorite thing to do now is to push his walker along. I mean, when he isn’t in it. He’ll couch surf till he gets to his walker and then grab hold of it and start pushing it. Now and then he loses his balance and falls down, but he is actually pretty good and pushes it up and down the hallway. When we sing the “clap handies” song he doesn’t try and clap along, but sometimes he rubs his hands together like he has a cunning plan and it makes me laugh because it makes it seem like he can’t wait to get his hands on the “sweets in daddy’s pocket.” Speaking of sweets, he does like sweet treats. When we eat cake he always opens his mouth and wants some and now I can give him bigger pieces without worrying that he’ll choke. He still isn’t loving his regular solid food. Maybe he thinks it lacks flavor because he does seem to like what we’re having. He does drink his bottles, though, so I know he is getting sufficient nutrition. When we drink something, he always wants a sip which usually ends up on the front of his onesie. He loves it, though, even more than drinking from his sippy cup.

Now that the weather is warmer, we often sleep with the fan on in the bedroom. It’s next to the bed, but far enough away that he can’t touch it. His reaction to it is rather cute. He stands and waves his hands and then grabs hold of his hair. I think the feeling of his hair blowing is new to him and so he keeps grabbing at it. He is also trying to imitate us more. When we make sounds with our mouths and lips, he tries to do the same. We have a lot of empty formula cans that we use for storing or just for him to play with and Greg likes to take one and then sing or speak into it. It creates a kind of echoing sound and fascinates him. Greg will do it for a while and then hand the can to Jay who’ll then make his own sound. Of course they sound nothing alike, but it’s really precious to watch. Greg really is an excellent father. He has so much energy and is always teaching, helping, comforting and reassuring. It’s not like he never gets upset, but he is just so good with Jay. I’ll often hear the two of them in Jay’s room and it fills my heart with a warm feeling.

So, as you know, I went back to the doctor this week and got the rather disappointing news that the edema has gotten bigger. He could actually measure the area this time and made a printout of the sonogram for his records. So strange no one you’ve spoken to has ever heard of it. When I told Greg he said that maybe it wasn’t true, but the doctor has been able to show me each time and I remember that it happened once with Jay, too, although with Jay it was there one week and gone the next and the area was actually bigger. Basically, the way my placenta looks on the ultrasound is not homogenous. The usual colour is grey, but where the edema is, the color is much darker, almost black. He said it’s not close to the baby and that the placenta itself is in a normal position. When I asked if it would affect the baby, he said, “Not yet,” which made me nervous, but I was too scared to ask what he meant. Still, he said although it’s bigger than it was, it still wouldn’t be considered a “big” edema and he didn’t sound too worried. Actually, he seems to worry more about it causing me pain, but so far it hasn’t. The baby is right on schedule so no “giant” this time, but I’m happy that each week her growth is normal. And yes, it’s still a “her”. At first he couldn’t get a good shot again as the baby was lying transverse (she certainly likes to change position!), and he said, “Yes, maybe girl,” a few times. I didn’t like the sound of that because “maybe girl” sounds like “maybe boy” to me and I’m sort of used to the idea of it being a girl now! But then later he got a good shot and said, “Oh yes, a beautiful girl.”

My morning sickness has been better this week. I’ve noticed an improvement in the mornings especially, although I still need tea and a little something to tide me over and calm my stomach. At night I still usually feel nauseas before I go to bed, no matter what I try to do or eat, but it’s not at the same level as it was before and for that I am grateful. This morning, though, I had an awful projectile vomiting incident. I started getting a sore throat last night and woke up this morning feeling worse. My throat was really sore so I decided to gargle with some salt water. I keep some in our en-suite bathroom and got it all ready. I was feeling fine at this point and even as I started gargling the first two seconds were rather soothing on the throat. The next second, though, I just started vomiting and vomiting and it lasted for quite a while until all the bile was up. It was quite horrible and my throat was quite raw and bloody afterwards and yet that experience was still way better than any previous vomiting episode. Why, you ask? Well, it didn’t accompany that severe nausea that usually accompanied my vomiting episodes. It just happened out of the blue which was so much better. Afterwards I wasn’t still nauseas, either. I felt quite fine. Don’t think I’ll attempt any gargling again, though. Even though I do wish that I could kick this morning sickness for good and have it stop lingering about, I’m still grateful I’m not going through what I was before. I often think about that poor woman that was in my due-in group when I was pregnant with Jay. She lived on a military base and had to have a live-in nurse for the first 20 weeks because her vomiting was so severe. She had a constant IV line and then at 20 weeks they felt that she was well enough for them to remove it. We got a message from her that day that she felt so good and had managed to eat and everything. However, the next day there was a message from her entitled “Rough Night” and she said that in the evening she’d felt the first touch of nausea return and had tried to shrug it off. Later, she’d started puking and had spent the entire night in the bathroom. In the morning her husband called the ER and a doctor came and had to put her on an IV again and she spent the rest of the pregnancy with it in her arm. They taught her how to change it and a nurse would just come every few days to check on her. I can’t imagine that. That is truly a severe form of HG and she said she is well aware that had she lived in the dark ages, her pregnancy would have killed her. She had her first baby when she was 17 and that pregnancy was normal, but then she was 23 when this happened. She said it was sad because she and her husband had hoped to have two of their own and after her experience she didn’t think she could ever go through it again.

I had a funny dream the other morning. I’d woken up earlier with Jay when Greg left for work, had had my little snack and tea and then fallen back to sleep when Jay decided to nap again. I dreamt that I was in a supermarket looking at all these bags of potato chips and I must have been craving a very particular taste because I remember trying to choose between the white vinegar and the brown vinegar. They had a bowl in the store for you to try some new brand and I just sat down and started stuffing my face. Greg and Stacy were with me and I couldn’t stop. I just kept eating and I said that I felt bad and was worried that I was being so unhealthy and was going to get so fat, but then said that ultimately I would rather be fat than struggling with nausea and vomiting. I said all this with my face literally crammed with chips. Fortunately, at that point Greg woke me up as he got back from work and he had brought lunch with him which I was grateful for because I was starving. However, I did laugh and ask him if he perhaps had some potato chips on him.

Jay is awake now and super active. I have to keep wrestling him away from the laptop. It’s definitely the most interesting thing on the bed right now so I had better be off. It’s time to move him to a new environment. Maybe his walker while we still have that luxury!

Lots of love
Em x

(snippets from April 2010)