13 Things I Do Not Do; Because I am Mentally Strong (#2 was so hard for me to answer!)

Hi. If you've never met me (read me?) before -- I am Laura. I am a chiropractic student at Sherman College of Chiropractic. Here are some of my ramblings while in school. I blog here on Steemit -- and I love it. Thanks for reading.

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In 2015, Business Insider basically wrote a straight off then dust jacket summary piece on the book of the same name, "13 things mentally strong people don't do" by Amy Morin. And if you are wondering if I have read the book -- no, I've read the dusk jacket summary in Barnes and Nobles about a billion times. Opting usually for the newest Malcolm Gladwell book -- "that I just must have now."

And as someone who is in love with self-help books, journaling, creative thought experiments I decided to re-blog this article in an abstract fashion. For each of the examples of why someone is mentally strong, I am going to name a quick example of a time in my life that I exhibited this characteristic. I've been reading a lot about 'brain patterns' recently or -- the cyclical in way in which humans think. And this pattern, or the lens in which we trained our brain to perceive life event though can be changed. "Learned optimism" is a book I took this idea out of. It also chronicles the reasons why optimists live longer, and have more success -- and how our mindsets can be changed by first being aware.

It also takes work to change the the lens we see life through. I wish it was as easy as the metaphor makes it seem -- just switch lenses. But to make it seem like such a simple process? One does so in error. Even though it may have seemed like in one instance your mindset flicked on; it's an uphill battle to reach that mountain top. And it's a proud moment too, knowing you have fought the battle with your mind, and won. And the repatterining is awkward.

This is a video that I watched that amplified my understanding on how thoughts and beliefs work within our neurology, specifically the Reticular Activating System.

For instance, this article popped up on my facebook page while I was scrolling past during the baby's nap time. And my instant, immediate thought, "I am XXX mentally strong". I really hate that I even said that about myself --- and I must admit, a few other thoughts came to my head trying to support that original stance. And I wondered if other people thought this way about themselves as well? Maybe another's thoughts are not the same as mine. I am sure we have different triggers.

Changing your image of who you believe yourself to be in your minds eye is really helpful when it comes to growth. So, this little article inspired me to grow -- and just for fun, I thought I'd share it with you. Feel free to reblog your own experiences with being mentally strong. I'd love to read them. I think it would be fun thought experiment. So, here it goes.

So, here I am: mentally strong.

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1. They don't waste time feeling sorry for themselves.

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I've chosen to look at some of the awful and traumatic parts of my life as spots where the universe was showing me my purpose for living in this world. And it was at these moments that I realised the change I wanted to leave behind to future generations. I did not want the children of the future to suffer as I suffered. It is the reason I am in Chiropractic school now, it is the reason I am interested in sharing my thoughts to the world here on steemit. I don't waste time thinking about what could have, would have happened if I wasn't dragged out of bed at 4am to catch a 6am flight to Utah. I do not have time for that, but it's really beyond that -- what good does it do? I want to believe I have a purpose, going through that experience gave me a purpose for creating. And it feels good to have a purpose.

All the "bad" things that have happened to me have given me reasons to live, and go on. It's not only a waste of time to sit here and feel bad for myself, but it also is counter productive. Thinking about every challenge as something that makes me stronger, feels better. And helps me go forth to meet my goals in life. And I, my friend, have a lot of goals to meet. So, I do not have time to think on the things that make me feel 'sorry' for myself, or 'pitty' myself. All these things have helped me grow. I love growing.

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2. They don't give away their power. [wow, this one is a hard one.]

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I stopped letting other people decided what was true or not true about myself identity or worth. I decided deep down what I was ready for, what I wanted in terms of my goals and life path. I looked for the answers within myself. What did I want? Where did I stand? What were my goals that I set for myself? How am I going to get myself there? These were all questions I began asking myself -- and stopped giving away power to my friends, family member, acquaintances, person I met in the street. I began asking those questions towards myself, and answering them myself. And listening to what I wanted. And began negotiating with myself. It helped me feel like I could control my own power, strength, energy-force. It gave me power back, and allowed me to begin making choices for myself.

I took the power back from my father. I took the power back from my mother. I took the power back from my brother, and my sister. They all were just human. I lowered them off of the pedestal I once had them upon. That was the first step to retrieving my power back. I stopped deeply caring what they thought about me. Was I too this? What I too that? I stopped having the energy to care anymore. I needed to put that energy towards my goals, not towards trying to get someone to approve, even my own family members. It felt good to take my power back. It felt as if I could recharge that much more.

As I began 'parenting' myself, setting personal boundaries for myself NOT hard and fast rules, and really listening to myself -- what was I willing to do, and for what outcome?

It felt good listening to me, and hearing me out. That is how I am mentally strong and do not give away my power.

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3. They don't shy away from change.

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I walk straight into change no holds barred. I walked into this change recently, when I had just found out I was pregnant and was beginning graduate school in the same month. I walked in and said, "Hi, world. I am here for it all. I will not let pregnancy slow me down off the roll I began." I love that about myself. Seriously, one of my favorite attributes. I am not scared in the face of adversity. I love my ability to be so unsure --- and yet walk in and do it anyways. I did it anyways. I've done this a few times. Each time was difficult, but I did it! That rush you feel afterwards when you brake these chains and barriers you once set for yourself. Oh, man. It feels so good.

In the business insider article on the topic, the author made note of a topic that permeated my undergraduate studies: the stages of change. "There are five stages of change, Morin writes: pre-contemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, and maintenance. Following through with each of the five steps is crucial. Making changes can be frightening, but shying away from them prevents growth. "The longer you wait, the harder it gets," she says. "Other people will outgrow you."'

Wow, that was really a good insight. It makes me think of my five things that I want to begin doing in the morning -- as a "morning routine" per say. First, I am to wake up at 5AM, every damn day. Second, I am to drink 64 ounces of water every single solitary day. And third, I want to jog/exercise/yoga daily. Fourth, meditation. And fifth, read for 30 minutes. That's what I think would make me into a better person. It makes me wonder what stage of change I am in for each of these habits that I want to cultivate in myself. It makes me think, "am I shying away from change?" I perhaps want to add ice bath or cold shower to this list... but, the verdict is still out.

I want to do this to carve out time for myself through out the day. As you have a baby, you find that you can get lost pretty easily. The things you want to do is now secondary to your baby/infant/child. Having time in the morning when they are not up -- is the perfect, guiltless way to spend time doing YOU. I want to spend my time "doing me" in productive ways -- like getting up early. Which then forces me to go.to.bed.early. When I imagine my perfect life, it entails me waking up at the butt-crack of dawn and running. I love the runners life that clouds my mind with visions of sunsets and sunrises. I want that change.

And if so.

Isn't my favorite part about myself how I can jump into change, even though it is scary? Would I be living up to my own ideals and best attributes if I hid away from change and cultivating these habits inside my mind? It is just an interesting thought.

I am a mentally strong person, I walk head first into change even though it is hard. I did this with school. I did this when I wanted to go to Thailand. I did this when I wanted anything REALLY BAD. Because, I am mentally tough -- I see it, I want it, I have it. That's who I am.

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4. They don't focus on things they can't control.

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I wish you knew how many times I've had this conversation recently. Oh, the practice of knowing what you can and cannot control. And if you cannot control the outcome, letting go and moving on. And if you can control it, taking action towards what you want. The concept, so simple, basic. The practice.

The example that comes to mind right away: I don't focus on things I can't control when I screen phone calls when I am extremely busy.

I play (play maybe a crude word for study) Quizzlet on my phone in the evenings when I am studying for an exam coming up. It's a relatively practical way to study in bed or in the bathtub -- or while doing something a bit mindless. It's easy to pull out and put away quickly. And sometimes people call me.

ring.ring.ring.ring.

And I am at this crossroads. Do I wait here for seemingly 2 minutes in order for it to go to voicemail -- JUST SO I DO NOT SEEM RUDE. Or do I screen the call, send a quick message -- and get back to them later? Does anyone here know what it's like to watch a phone ring, just so it can go on to voicemail? It is the most obnoxious thing ever, and all the while I think to myself, "why am I doing this?" If any of you have made it this far -- please, in the comments tell me what your experience is like watching a phone ring, knowing you not picking it up. I'd love to hear from you all.

I cannot control these people's feelings on the other end of the phone. Why do I feel the NEED to explain why I have chosen to ignore their call? Why can't I just screen the call, I am busy. AND CALL THEM BACK LATER. And I do this sometimes. And it feels good. Actually, it just feels prompt, assertive, boss-like, it feels assured, confident, self-composed, self-assured, give-one-less-fuck, no racing thoughts, no anxiety. It feels like I didn't feel the need to feel for the other person on the other end. I'll call them back -- I need to get on with studying. I just don't have time

It feels good to ignore phone calls. It feels like I am focusing on things I can control, studying for this big test coming up by continuing to play the quizlet -- instead waiting for a phone call to end just so in both case scenarios I can call you back later.

But not in a passive aggressive manner, in a "I'll call you back Susan, I just need to finish this. Thank you for your patience" manner that feels good inside. Maybe I'll send Susan a brief text, "I'll call you back in a minute." What if I am driving and need the directions? Do I sit there and wait for Susan to finish ringing before I get along with my day? In my mind, I fight against how "rude" it is to ignore a phone call, to tell people how you feel, to stand up for yourself is rude. I can't control how other people feel about me. So why waste energy on Susan's phone call?

I was talking to a man.

man
definition: a human species less encumbered by societies pressures not to be labeled a 'bitch' by simply speaking their minds and opinions on how they view reality. Actually, when they are self-assertive -- people find it attractive, and "confident". Interesting.

I was being short in text messages to him. Very short, yes/no/I'll check responses. He wished me a happy break -- I didn't say anything back to him. I was driving, and in order to be "as safe as possible" I texted very simple phrases. When I realized I was being so rude -- I apologized for how I 'could have come off'. And he said.

HE SAID, "Oh. I didn't even take it that way." wtf.

I paused. He didn't even take it that way? If I friend would have done this to me, I would have thought about every possible way in which I did something wrong. I would have replayed the entire day in my minds eye -- what did I do to elicit such short responses? And he, "didn't even take it that way." I want that mindset. I want the mindset of the male before it was curated to be docile, and submissive by society. How free would that feel? To not over analysize every gesture? To not take things personally? I'd use the time I usually spent worrying about things, people, places, events --- and take "bike rides across Long Island in June" (inserted line from one of my favorite spoken-word poems).

And watching these is the sound of you becoming a better person.

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5. They don't worry about pleasing everyone.

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I wanted to write a poem last week. I was so inspired by the word "wild." What did it mean to me? How did other people view the adjective when used to describe them? I wrote the poem.

I posted that poem.
I shared that poem with the person that inspired it.
I was scared that no one would like it, but I wrote it anyways.
I posted it anyways.

I did this, because I need to create. I need to write. And I want to get a body of work produced to help carve out a legacy for my generation, and to the movements I bear witness. I love to create, and that "fear of not pleasing everyone" scares me. The fear of being misunderstood with the intentions behind my creation -- scares me. But there is something inside me that needs to create, needs to write, needs to express, needs to make. And there's a part of me that feels slave to this creativity that I have tried to burry (due to fear).

That day that I wrote the poem, I published it. And I did it even with a bit of fear that people wouldn't like it -- I was so scared that people would SEE IT. freaked me out -- something so vulnerable? Should I have not said that? Was that too much? These are fears that plague me. Yet, I posted it anyways. AND LET GO OF THAT FEAR that other's wouldn't like it. Because ultimately I did it for myself.

I wrote for myself.
I shared for myself.
I did it because I wanted to.

And it felt good.
People related.
My work got shared across steemit.
I got $3.00 (wow!) The most I made before this was like $0.04. I was amazed. It felt so good. I felt so happy that I had decided to put my work out there on the ledge like that -- in front of others. But I did it for me, regardless of what people thought, or understood about my work. I also knew I wasn't perfect. But I showed up anyways...

breath of fresh air

It felt good. It was a time I felt mentally strong, because I did it regardless. I did it regardless of other peoples thoughts, opinions, beliefs, questions, and overall judgements. I felt immune to others thoughts when I hit publish; I felt safe because I posted it for me, not them. And wow -- isn't that refreshing?

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6. They don't fear taking calculated risks.

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This is a good one for me. I feel like my whole life has been showing me the difference between calculated risks verse not calculated (let's just pull the trigger for fun!) type of attitude, feeling, result, and consequence. I've taken all types of risks in my life. If I described them in detail -- I'd have to crumble up this blog post and start anew. It's just not the story you tell on the internet. I've taken risks. Good risks, bad risks, dumb risks, wtf did you take that risk, risk. I've done them all, and in detail -- some more than once. I know the feelings inside and out.

And I am all about calculated risks. And how they feel -- amazing, exhilarating, liberating. Especially when I have done my research, and I have planned, calculated and thought through the entirety of the event. I know that I have tried my best, and I will never regret a learning experience -- and those are the experiences that feel good. And they have paid off! I've been rewarded for going out on that ledge, for doing that thing, for spending that money, for investing in that product, for betting in that manner... and I learn, and I receive. And when I have knowingly tried my damnedest, I care less about the result because I know I've done my part.

So I stand there with my arms open, "universe, now do your part".

And that's what I think about calculated risks.

I know I have failed many times over, and due to those life events -- I am here now. I have more of an ability to live outside my comfort zone, I have more of a calmness bout risks, and change. I have loved every part of my journey that has led me to a place where I am mentally strong enough to handle and love taking calculated risks.

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7. They don't dwell on the past.

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I have a favorite meditation for letting go of the past. I used to do it during periods of extreme anxiety about the past. Have you ever had a sharp, painful past memory just pop up into your space? It's like a moment of intense shame, grief, sadness, something you did that was stupid, just agony about self -- just POP up randomly. And sometimes these moments are a hard time letting go. Usually it's the same ones that regularly pop up into existence in the mind. I had a hard time letting go of the past at one point during my life and played this meditation all the time.

This meditation I would play upwards of thirty times per day. It was so helpful.

When I found myself holding onto the past: people, places, things, ideas. I would imagine myself on an edge of a cliff. For some reason I was always sitting on a hand-made cliff band made like a deck. It sat over the top of nothingness that fell for eternity. It never hit bottom. And I held salt in my hands. The salt represented all the past memories that I would not let go of -- and I sat with the salt, one in each hand and

let.
it.
go.

and watched the white salt fall into oblivion, and keep falling thereafter. It kept going, and going. I kept throwing salt. And I would imagine this scene until I fell asleep. Just letting go of all my thoughts, worries, feelings of the past. Just letting them fall into nothingness. It was such an effect management of my anxiety. It was such a helpful way of envisioning me "letting go."

These are tools I would love to bring back into my life. It felt so good to be --- and to let go. That time period was such a heavy manifesting zone of production for me. It was when I realized how much is possible, how much I could do. What I could accomplish was far beyond what I thought/ what others thought. I realized how limitless my potential was. To be able to free yourself from the past -- feels good.

I am mentally strong, I used different methods to let go of the past. I used meditation to release people and events from having such as strong hold on my mental process. Using these coping tools is a mentally strong thing to do. I do this; therefore, I am mentally strong. I feel full of joy when I realize how mentally strong I am.

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8. They don't make the same mistakes over and over.

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The best example of this is learning from my birth, and the rearing of my firstborn. Things happened during the birth and afterwards that I did not want, but I didn't plan against. I had no real plan for dealing with my anxiety during the birth. During pregnancy, especially towards the end, all of my "shadow" characteristics came out with an uncontrolled vengeance. Things that I didn't think were "issues" -- now were rearing their ugly head in my life. I thought I made peace with time management, making appointments on time, knowing when and where things happened, awareness; yet, each and every one showed up and demanded to be confronted head-on.

I learned so much going through birth, coming out of birth, and recovery -- that I can not even sum it up into words. But, I can see myself in a different light.

I am not ashamed that I had an epidural, I am not ashamed that I supplemented with formula. It just wasn't my ideal/picture perfect version of what I believed was going to happen. It's not what my heart wanted for my child. And I didn't realize to have XYZ outcomes, you need to plan and prepare in advance. I did not deal with body image, past trauma surrounding birth/sexuality. And it came out as my body stopping the birthing process, and holding back my child. Stress also caused an environment where Townes poo'd in the womb. Black meconium everywhere when my hind-water broke, and my cervix was holding back. I wasn't progressing as I should, due to emotion.

It was ironic. I planned everything to avoid going to the hospital, and my emotional wellbeing put me there again. I refused, yes REFUSED to deal with my anxiety during pregnancy. I had "other" things to worry about (pun intended, laugher warranted) -- I thought, the longer I ignore this, the quicker it will go away. I truly thought it was a great solution.

seenoevil
hearnoevil
speaknoevil

I couldn't talk about my undealt with emotional turmoil. I couldn't give voice to it until it bit me during postpartum. I guess I couldn't expect to burry something forever?

I am actually sure I tried to.

It's interesting where my mind went afterwards. I spent a while processing my birth with my midwife. We talked a lot in detail of what could have happened, what should have happened, what ifs and what nots. What I could take the blame for, and what was okay just to accept and let go. It was super helpful. It helped me see what I could do better for my second child. And at the same time, I laid down the expectations of "what should have happened", and gave myself grace. I stood inside this odd circle that was carved out for me -- I was not a victim, I had a role to play and I could make positive changes. And I wasn't so rigid that I couldn't ENJOY the epidural. That I couldn't enjoy the convince of using formula. Yes, I enjoy both of these things -- even though it is not the ideal. AND I don't particularly want to do it again for my next child. But there is this area of sweet grace.

And it made me realize that I could look at my life through this perspective.

I don't have to shame myself for everything I "did not do perfectly".
And I do not have to feel victim to my circumstances -- there are things I could change NEXT time.
And last time, I just didn't really know. And that is Okay!

It sets me up for a growth mindset. And it feels good to be here. My birth taught me how to remain in this sacred space of growth. And although I am still learning. It's awesome to apply this grace to many other parts of my life. And being this type of way makes me mentally tough, strong, gritty. Being in a growth mindset allows you to acknowledge the problem, and let you set out to do better next time without shame.

Let me say that again for the people in the back -- A growth mindset allows you to acknowledge the problem, and lets you set out to do better next time WITHOUT SHAME.

How amazing to be released from the shame of an event -- blaming yourself, beating yourself up for wanting to do better? But ignoring how you could get better, out of shame... and while your hiding from this attribute or this glaring fact, life hands you a fast ball, and you make the same mistake again. A growth mindset allows you to freely watch yourself walk over that hole you kept blindly falling in before. It allows you to get further, and it feels a lot lighter and more liberating.

I am grateful to have the ability to learn from the mistakes that I make.

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9. They don't resent other people's success.

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If I am shining, everybody gonna shine.

This is literally what I thought of when I read this. I remember jamming out to this exact lyric and thinking, "YES!" I think there is so much competition to be the best by tearing others down. If we can tear others down, we can feel like the biggest tower in the city. But there is another way. You can be the biggest tower, by get this -- BUILDING the biggest tower in the city. One is abundance based, one is scarcity based.

When I win, you win. It's a win-win mentally that is so much stronger and on a better foundation than the lose-win mentality. One is based in hope, love, friendship, growth as a community. The other is based in fear, loneliness, isolation. I choose every time to support and uplift rather than destroy. It feels better. And when I feel like I must compare, I'll play that song and remind myself

That when I shine,
Everyone else is going to shine too.
So don't hold back shining.

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10. They don't give up after the first failure.

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Literally this.

This. This. This. This. This.
This. This. This. This. This.
This. This. This. This. This.
This. This. This. This. This.

I remember finding this video after listening to my friends interview process. The culture at the company was surrounding entrepreneurship; the founders wanted all their employees to present drive as if this was their company. They wanted the risk takers, the show-stoppers, the little guy who is big and bad enough to compete and dominate, they wanted the spirit of entrepreneurship captured in each and every one of their employees. How else were they going to grow?

But how do you engineer a question that seeks to expose that answer? The question was simple, "Tell me about a time that you failed?" Because the CEO knew that if you failed, you calculated a risk and took it. And the only way to grow, is to take risks. If you failed, you were a risk taker -- they wanted you on their company. You could now take risks inside a bubble net of security. And they would compensate you well for it.

How have you failed?

A good thing to answer. If you answered it, you got the job. There was an employee, my friend told me, that struggled finding an answer to the question posed. I found it interesting. Trying so hard not to fail in life... actually was seen as a hinderance to your overall fit at a good company. It's against everything school teaches you about failure. This good, upstanding company was looking for an employee that had failed before.

I loved it. I really adopted this into my mentally, proving me to be extra mentally strong.
thoseselfaffirmationstho.

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11. They don't fear alone time.

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Meditation to me is said "fear of alone time". Sitting with self is the most important thing you can do in self actualizations. Actually, being able to be with yourself, sitting/listening/breathing, being proud of being alive is the opposite to addiction. Addiction is wanting to escape life and living. Meditation focuses you on the present moment, freeing you from the escape, and gives you strength to stay in the moment.

People do not realize how much of a muscle meditation is, and how to use it properly. I used to meditate for twenty minutes at a time. And every time as of recently I tried going back -- that type of meditation seems daunting and produces this:

icanticanticanticanticant
anxietythatjustwontgoaway

icanticanticanticanticanticant
anxietythatjustwontgoaway

Meditation seems to widen the spaces out a bit, so I can begin to see the letters (or thoughts) for what they are. They are just thoughts, and with each breath

in
and
out

I let these thoughts go.

Instead of berating myself with the "ideal of 20 minute me" that was once upon a time... I instead just do a single minute. I do this single minute when I think of doing it. And if I can hold on for two minutes -- Wow! Congratulations, going the extra mile! It becomes more of a task my meditation muscle can handle.

Mediation gives me that time alone.
The more I meditate gives me more time I spend alone.
The more time I spend alone
The less fearful I am of spending time alone with my thoughts
The less fearful I am
The more time I spend alone in meditation
The more I meditate
The more time I spend alone
The less fearful I am of spending time alone
The more mentally strong I am.

And I am mentally strong for meditating.

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12. They don't feel the world owes them anything.

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rhetorical questions:
Was I owed a better hand in life?
Were others owed a better hand in life?
What happens if I accepted a better hand in life? Was I better due to my better hand?
What happens if I accepted a lesser hand in life? Was I lower due to my lesser hand?
Am I entitled?

What is my take on entitlement?

I know I am destined to work hard. I am destined to be beat down and again learning how to stand. I am destined to rise and keep standing. I am not owed anything in this world. I have earned my place to be alive, as has everyone else. And everyday when the universe asks me to show up. I show up. Where ever we are at in the world, third world/first world, that's all that anyone can ask for -- show up for the progression and expansion of this universe. We are all one.

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13. They don't expect immediate results.

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The compounding effect. The rule I am currently learning and applying in my life. How? Studying.

I am trying to learn how to utilize the compounding effect in studying. I just don't have enough time in the day to spend god struck hours and after hours in the library before an exam. And some days just have nothing, and be able to be home with my family ---- andjusthavethenightoff.

I didn't utilize my time well. I just needed to get out -- when I had a break. I wanted to eat, sleep, go home, get a break from being on campus. But in the end those hours were lost, and I couldn't get them back. But, the need for "me" time existed and I just couldn't ignore that fact. So, I began getting up early in the AM -- 5AM to be exact. And I began using that time for me, and I exercised, meditated -- and read! I had time to explore the sides of me that needed to be looked at and cared for. I had time in the morning to spend things doing what I loved. I lit candles, I bathed, I put on different oils and smells. It felt good to spend time on me that was guilt-free and pleasurable. I would cook a lavish breakfast in the mornings -- just for the hell of it. To spend time with me felt so good.

But to get to reap the benefits of the compounding result takes time. I don't digest the information in one day -- AND I HAVE TO BE OKAY WITH THAT. I have to be okay with not learning everything all at once, all my questions may not be answered in class, and I may not fully understand. But that doesn't mean I can just do "other things". It actually wastes time, and we are the precious "carriers of time" --- meaning: we must be diligent with our time. I had to learn how to utilize my time fully and wisely. It took strength.

I felt like my "mind just needed a break". But it was growing, and that took time and patience. It made me more mentally strong. Even mental strength... takes time.

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<3

Tell me the ways in which makes you mentally strong? Tips, tricks, stories and everything in-between -- I'd love to hear it.