Struggles of a chronically depressed engineer
Depression, something that a lot of people suffer from, most people ignore, and even a larger portion believes does not exist. It is a real illness. And just like any other time you're sick you would go to your GP, for this you also need to see a doctor, get diagnosed, and allow yourself to be made better. It's not something that you can pretend doesn't exist, it's not something you should ignore, and believe me, it's not something that only affects you.
Depression is defined as a mood disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies.
It is a chemical imbalance in your brain. A treatable disorder of being human. Something that needs to be accepted, but should not be used as an excuse for just plain laziness either. There is a fine line unfortunately that has been crossed too many times, either by over exaggeration or by ignorance, which, as always, complicates any situation.
I write not because I'm a doctor, or an expert in the field, or my psychiatrist told me to (which she actually did), I do this because it helps me process and arrange the utter chaos that is my mind. And if someone finds use in my ramblings, good for you.
As the title says, I'm an engineer by study, ie, driven by logic and an unnatural need to plan and know everything. Along with that I'm diagnosed with depression and a couple of minor inclinations towards OCD, bipolar and a wee bit of paranoia. Funtimes...
I've only recently been diagnosed and in all honesty it's nothing less than a miracle that I made it this far.
I knew I was a bit on the depressed side for almost 7 years, I just never realised how bad it really was. Work stress, financial stress, familial stress, stress, stress, stress and WHACK. I had a complete and total nervous breakdown, leading to me having to be institutionalised. I wish I could say that this was a big eye opener for me, well it was, but that's not all it was. Since the break I can't cope with people anymore. Not that it was easy before, but now it's even worse. I can't work at full capacity and I'm overwhelmed by a feeling that I can't provide for my family anymore. This off course just makes things worse. I've been told that it will be long road to recovery but that doesn't mean that we can remove ourselves from reality to do this. I keep feeling that I might never fully recover. That I can't do my professional job any longer and that I am leading my family to financial ruin.
It's a daily struggle. It's a long road. And it's difficult to see the light at the end of this tunnel. As much as the future is never sure, it's even more so at this stage of my life. I don't know what will happen, I can't control it, I can't control anything anymore and I honestly don't know how to move forward.
Normally I would end this by saying that there is always hope. That hope is the one thing that can never be taken from me. But I broke, and my hope is gone, and mostly I'm just lost.