You're always challenging me in this arena. As you know, I still have a puritan side based on my overly-controlling religious back story. For most of my life, sex was at best tolerated as something "for the marriage bed" and at worst something to be vilified and a tool of Satan. I've enjoyed watching @corinnestokes be more open to the natural reality of sexuality, but we're also still figuring things out as we have different world views on some topics. It's still a big deal for me to not feel shamed or guilted if I click on an NSF link and read your article, knowing it will have content that was vilified for much of my life. It's still something a part of my mind says has to remain hidden while other parts of my mind recognize that thinking is silly. I've read Sex at Dawn and similar things which approach this topic very rationally and that all makes sense to me. I commend you for the strength you've gained by being completely open and honest about yourself, who you are, what you love, and what you've classified as "good" no matter what others might say.
Also, this line is golden:
Men don’t have this mother/whore archetypal conflict to deal with.
So. Very. True.
The double standard there is something I've really enjoyed listening to Sean unpack, even as I've played a bit of "devil's advocate" with him using arguments from others I respect. I do think he's right that much of this dates back to men not wanting women to fully control the power of their own sexuality. Maybe there's a fear there in that if they do fully control and embrace that power, men will be powerless against it.
Thank you Luke. I know many of my topics are challenging for you. So I always feel honored when you’ve braved it, read one of my posts and take the time to write an (always) articulate and honest response. 🙏🏽
I also always love your thoughts on these topics. I was there too...lost in the world of church teachings for years... Not as deeply as you, but it is was impactful on me for sure. In hindsight though, i look back and it was like the blind leading the blind. I was taught all sorts of scary nonsense from people in the church claiming to be the authorities - who had no real authority. For most of my teenage years I truly believed I was going to burn in Hell for all eternity because I had sex before wedlock. (I had received a miscommunication of the dogma.) Such an internal conflict this creates when our biology drives us in one direction and culturally we are deeply ( dare I say traumatically?) threatened and shamed for such an innate part of the experience of being human - our sexual natures.
It’s not that I’ve worked through all of my past sexual shaming and trauma to now proclaim the opposite, that sex is “good.” I just now see that sex IS! It is such an inherent, integral, essential part of the whole of life and yet it’s gotten all muddled up in rights and wrongs.
Sex is like a foot. A foot can’t be good or bad, right or wrong... it’s just a foot. It does it’s thing as part of the whole. Trouble happens when we try to hide the foot, deny the foot, label the foot gross, bad or wrong and try to repackage or redirect the appropriate use of the foot with rules and consequences. Now, it’s true that we need to take care of the foot and keep it healthy. Maybe have boundaries, protection, and limits on what type of surfaces to expose it to...but it’s just a foot. It can’t be denied nor can it be good or evil.
Yes, and then the whole mother/whore conflict. “A lady in the streets, but a freak in the bed...” (thank you, Ludacris ✌🏽) That tends to be the ideal. But it sets a woman up for fragmentation and mask changing. Who then is the real “her?” For me, working through this conflict lately has been the final frontier. I was finally ready to be all of me, out loud (not shouting mind you, but not hiding at least) but the thought of “but what if my daughter reads this. She might then think that I like...sssshhhhh...s.e.x. 🤫” But, guess what? I do. And so will she. And I like to think that she will have less of an inner conflict about how she is and what she desires than I did as a result of not being taught that the way that she is is wrong, bad or needs to be hidden. She will be taught how to be safe and responsible, but not threats of hellfire eternal. IMO That’s the best I can do as her mother.
Thank you again for commenting here and engaging with me on what is a sticky topic for you. I enjoy it here and when you play devil’s advocate with @sean-king on similar issues like women, their sexuality and power. Big hug 🤗
I really like the point you make about sex and our bodies just being part of the "is" camp. As the saying goes, a brick is amoral. It can either break a window or build a house. When I see you embracing your own sexuality it does come with a "sex is good" message a bit and I think that's okay because I read it as a personal thing. Meaning you have taken "foot" and used it for your benefit so that for you, "foot" becomes something good, beneficial, and enjoyable in your life. I'm comfortable saying "sex is good" but it's probably better for me to clarify that "sex in my life with my wife is good for me" because, like "foot" sex just is. The context matters and determines if it's good or bad.
I'm glad you mentioned your daughter. With two of my own, I think about this often as well. I do think exposure to sexuality too early can be very unhealthy, similar to how other pleasurable things (alcohol, certain chemical substances, certain experiences, etc) prior to the physical brain being developed enough to regulate them and make rational decisions about them can be unhealthy and lead to destructive patterns. On one level, we want to them to develop in that struggle, but on the other we have to recognize our role as parents to protect them in an age-appropriate way in terms of brain development.
I absolutely love this comment:
I've found the most freedom, peace, joy, fulfillment, purpose, and more when I've learned to just be me. Me in all situations and at all times. It's a wonderful way to live.