Negative Behavior + Thoughts

[This is mostly going to be a vent/rant/stream of consciousness type of post.]

I carry a lot of negative thoughts. Why don't you write, why don't you read more often, why are you always on the internet, why don't you work out more, why are you always tired, why do you constantly eat shit food, why do you always find excuses?

For a long time I've been stuck in a cyclical pattern of negative thoughts > assure myself I'm going to fix them > do nothing to fix them (or do so for a while, then give up) > rinse/repeat. This continues presently onto graduate school to the point where one of my professors has suggested I should perhaps take a leave of absence if I can't handle the workload/stress (not that I've told anyone). It's a shameful thing to admit. I can barely submit things on time, I can't write new fiction, can't write scripts/game design/narrative designs, etc.

Most days I feel like an utter failure. Most days I -am- an utter failure. I feel like I'm trapped in quicksand, sinking, sinking, sinking.

I can read all the helpful books, all the books on writing, I can be encouraged and all the other things...but maybe I don't want these things as badly as other people do? I know people who want to be great and work towards those things. I know people that consistently look for ways to better themselves, to not stay stagnant, who push in ways that I don't understand. Maybe I'm not meant to be a writer. Maybe I'm not meant to be in school. Maybe I'm meant for mediocrity, for stagnation. Maybe I'm meant to wither into dust without accomplishing anything on this spinning rock.

And while it's true that some things have changed for the better in the past couple years, do they really matter if I can't get over this? Whatever -this- is.