Cerebral Palsy, A Tale of a Defective Brain (That I Can't Return to the Store, No Receipt)

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A Long Time Ago, in a Land Along the Eastern Seaboard of the United States

..Massachusetts. It's called Massachusetts. ahem Anyway. Welcome, friends. I'm Captain Gimpy and I'm going to give you a tour of my brain. No... No zombies allowed. Read the damn sign.

Points to a crudely-written sign that indeed says 'No Zombies!'. A collection of undead had gathered and were now dispersing upon hearing such disappointing news...

Now that those... people... are out of the way. If you'll follow me down this dark and narrow hallway that is in no way suspicious, we'll see the parts of the brain that Cerebral Palsy affects. Ah, the Cerebellum. The Cerebellum, as you may well know, is responsible for the coordination and regulation of muscular activity.

one of the tourists raises their hand

Yes? Yes, what is it?

Tourist: So you say it's kind of like a lesion on one side of your brain...

Well, not exac--

In that case, if you injure the other side of your brain, wouldn't that balance it out?

... Are you being deliberately obtuse or is that a serious question?

It's a serious que--

I jab a finger toward the exit Get out.

As I was saying, the Cerebellum affects the muscles, and if that's damaged, well... your muscles don't function the way they're supposed to. Hence, Cerebral Palsy. And that's it, folks. That's all there is to the tour.

You can't be serious!

I paid a hundred bucks for this god damn tour!

I mean, that's entirely your fault. Didn't you read the brochure?

Yeah and it said 'immersive experience, a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity'! Yeah, to get shafted!

So what you're saying is that the brochure was entirely correct. You got your once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to get shafted.

An angry mob descends upon me

What's It Like for Relationships?

Not wonderful. You're either treated like you're a five-year old (when you're twenty-five) or people avoid talking to you, assuming that you can't hold intelligent conversation or that you're too intelligent for them to keep up. Friendships are easier to obtain, as there's less at stake (until you make a commitment to Best Buds, and I take my vows seriously, dammit). Romantic entanglements, on the other hand, have an increased level of difficulty. If you fail, you lose all your gold and you have to start over. I have a lot of gold. I'd like to keep it. But sometimes you have to risk it to get the biscuit.

The problem is people look at handi-capables differently. Often like we're fragile: one misstep and we break. Hate to... break.. it to you, but I'm part cyborg. That's right. I've got metal holding me bits together.

Luckily, the invention of the Internet changed the game and I met my wife on a dating website. Bars are overrated, anyway.

Physical Activities?

I've played football (tackle, without pads), soccer, baseball and basketball. In my younger days, that is. If I tried any of them now, I'd fold like origami paper. But it is possible depending on the severity and how willing one is.

College?

Not for everyone, certainly. You're spending thousands of dollars proving to employers that you can learn efficiently when you'd already done that for free for over a decade in public school. It's robbery, I tell you.

Intimate... relations?

Stamina is key, kids. Take care of her first and you've got nothing to worry about.

Any Final Thoughts?

Am I dying? Son-of-a-bitch.

Here's my conclusion: life is about chances. There was a chance I could have been born perfectly healthy, but it didn't happen. There was a chance that I could have met and married a porn star... also did not happen. So far as I'm aware....

Sometimes we're dealt the best hand, sometimes we forget we're playing cards and wander off to go streaking down the street in the middle of the afternoon. We just have to go with the flow (and take pictures as evidence). Make the best of everything (especially if it turns into cake).