The Winter of Your Discontent: Game Of Thrones Season 7: Dragonstone

During the following two minutes of screen time, we get to witness what doing “a really shitty job” looks like. Our protagonist, a round-faced, mellow natured, ample-bodied, robe-clad disciple of some sort, is tasked with pan-handling the potty pots of senile infirm patients. Beautiful interjections of shit-streaming into a sewerage tank and soup-pouring into bowls around a communal table in a mess hall cue in. This guy's life really seems to be down in the shitter, and the general attitude of people around him leaves nothing to contemplate about his status amongst his peers (rank: dirtbag), nevertheless he seems to be fully engrossed in an ultimate task, whose secrets seem to lie behind a meticulously locked rusty creaky door. In between shit-kicking, book-carrying, soup-swallowing and dirt-bagging he also acts as the medical assistant to an “Arch-Meister”, whom he reluctantly informs about his concerns whilst weighing the inessential organs of a dead alcoholic during what can only be seen as a very messy autopsy session. The disciple (Samwell Tarly – the most hobbit-esque name possible) reflects upon his witnessing of the “Army of the Dead” and the “Whitewalkers” (that new old story again!) and laments on the pervasive urgency of dealing with the threat which the Arch-Meister, like the knowing old fart he is, while at first admitting in recognising the truthfulness in Sammy's concern, intensely refutes him by stating “Winters came and went and the Wall never fell!”. There is obviously a great wall somewhere separating the undead with the soon-to-be-dead and this Wall has never ever fallen. The Arch-Meister obviously fails to see the irony in his own words and sends Haggard Sammy back into his slumberous silent shit-eating routine. Or so he would have thought, as a now extremely decisive Sam sneaks into the sleeping courters of the other Meisters and steals the keys that open the rusty door behind which, scrolls and books apparently detailing the solution to this global predicament, reside. Score one for the shitlessly brave!

_{Contents may vary}

Outdoor scene – Castle yard – Falling snow. A tall large sturdy un-lady like female warrior battles a short stubby extra posing as a trainee foot soldier. The lady-looks-like-a-dude manages to win all three consecutive bouts by sending the hapless soldier hurling to the ground. Two characters stand on an overhead balcony. One of the two, a narrow-eyed, cape-wearing, mouse-faced aristocrat comments on how impressed he is of Mega-Dyke's performance to the red-haired girl Jon Snow was previously arguing with. She mockingly questions his intentions about approaching her, and when he slyly implies that he is concerned about her wellbeing she flicks on bitch-mode and cuts him off. Obviously, this guy (Lord Baelish) is utterly unwanted there but is kept around because his forces compliment the local army, as Red Sub-Queen explains to Mega-Dyke.

_{Pure as the driven snow}

Outdoor scene – Forest – Early Afternoon. The girl who murdered the life out of the Frays is riding through the forest on horseback. She is drawn forward towards a campfire by the singing of a resting group of shoulders. As she approaches it is revealed that the lead singing soldier is Ed Sheeran. Murder-Frenzy girl compliments Ed Sheeran's song (my guess is that she was just being polite) to which he nonchalantly replies with a stark “It's a new one.” As soon everyone in the audience has been resuscitated after this shamelessly blatant marketing plug the girl is invited to hang around with the soldiers. Nobody gets raped and nobody gets murdered. Instead, the soldiers exchange the standard “grunts-of-war” tropes and tease about Murder-Frenzy. We can still see Ed Sheeran's ugly mug sitting around the fire but we are not exactly sure why because he doesn't utter a single word the whole time. After several minutes of idle banter, one soldier decides to ask Murder-Frenzy why she is riding solo in the woods, to which she calmly declares that she is “going to kill the Queen”. The soldiers initially freeze and then break out in laughter. How could that ever be?! She's just a girl! Murder-Frenzy laughs along with them and (presumably) then murders the hell out of them all.

_{Everyone's surprised mate}

A group of soldiers riding rolls out on a snowy plain, spearheaded by a grumpy, grouchy fellow called Clegane. It’s snowing and it's obviously cold. Everyone is in a bad mood, especially Clegane who appears to be annoyed by everything. They find an abandoned house and Groucho Harks with two other men, one of whom Harks was verbally abusing a minute before going in. Once inside they discover the dead bodies of the family that used to own the place. Clegane begins to ruthlessly murder the other man with scathing words, belittling him about the fact that the “Lord of Light” insists on always bringing him back from the dead, whereas the long deceased family should be cherishing a resurrection. The conversation would loosely fit an atheist-theist debate convention, only this time the evidently theist apologist possesses hands-on-proof about his lord's existence, while the atheist party still simply chooses not to believe or follow anyway. The man which Clegane (who upon second viewing has only one eyebrow) chose to make his bitch, placidly interrupts and entices him to look into the now lit fireplace for answers. Our disillusioned friend initially and amusingly objects but soon relents. Whilst looking into the fire he witnesses a vision detailing the imminent advancement of the Army of the Dead and is visibly shaken when his theist counterpart asks him to acknowledge divine purpose. That same night Clegane is seen burying the bodies of the family that once occupied their newfound shelter. We feel right to assume that he is doing this deed not out of a newly discovered claim to faith but because he is simply being a decent human.

_{Coincidental Renaissance}

Samwell Tarly is sitting on a table, studying the books he “borrowed”. It's night time and he should be pleasing his bae, who is sitting by his side rocking their baby but he is still worried about the dead and their unholy advance. He comments about the “Targaryans” and “Dragonstone” before he comes upon a page (as if by chance) within the book (he would have gotten to anyway if he had just kept on flicking) containing a crudely drawn map of Dragonstone, a place which itself contains a mountain made out of “Dragonglass” a material out of which special weapons can be forged. Sam the man, quite surprised by his discovery takes down note with the intention of informing his lord, Jon “Lazarus” Snow. Later on Tarly Gnarly pushes a food cart down a hallway lined with cell doors. He is surprised by the rotting hand of a prisoner which bolts out of the feeding hatch. The prisoner inquires about the arrival of the “Dragon Queen” to which Sam replies negatively.

_{You know what's coming}

Who is this “Dragon Queen” then?

_{There ya go!}

The mug shot of a baby faced young woman with laced golden locks appears. She seems to be cruising upon a warship. We get treated to a lovely montage (dramatic music on ten) of ships sailing, dragons (actual) flying, the Dragon Queen's flabbergasted look as she observes, apparently to the point of orgasm, an approaching island sporting an awesomely big castle at it's top, landings on sandy beaches, the opening of gates, the ascension procession, Peter Fucking Dinklage, a castle decorated with statues of dragons, a throne room bereft of a throne, a stank shadowy room containing a large terrain-sculpted table and the Dragon Queen (Daenerys Targaryen – whatta name!) exclaiming, whilst standing over said table, in true dramatic fashion “Shall we begin?”

_{This is the beginning of a beautiful friendship}

Onto credits. See the name of Ed Sheeran. Yawn.

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Did you happen to miss yesterdays inaugural introductory episode? Stark No More!
Game Of Thrones Season 7: Revisited

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