'Twas the Night Old Shakey Got Drunk

So, it's that time of year again!!! Merry Christmas and Ho-Ho-Ho and all the Jolly Goodness you can muster!! I love it! I do like to parody some of the songs at times, though, and below is one that I did a number of years ago and like to pull it out for the Holiday Season!

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'Twas the Night Old Shakey Got Drunk

'Twas the Night Before Christmas, and all was not well,
I, Old Shakey the Elf, had a Cold Winter's Spell...
My eyes were all blood-shot, my skin like the ash...
as I pulled on my 'mistletoe' and climbed up the sash.

The pack on my back did a quivering shake,
and a loud "Ho HO HO" that did not sound so fake...
Big Elfie in his cashmere, and Bob in his cape,
said, "I love when my plans begin to take shape"

While up through the Chimney, they pulled and they shoved
as some soot from the pushing knocked off a black glove.
Away through the op'ning I nearly did trip,
and pushed over Rudolph as he gave me some lip.

The moon on the crest of the now-fallen Elf
as he clambered across and then righted himself,
When, what to my gurgling old stomach should show,
but a hamburger patty from the rest'rant below.

With a Debit Card stolen from Jolly St. Nick,
I knew in a moment that food did the trick...
More rapid than eagles those fast-food types strolled
and warmed up their hands so to enter the cold.

"Two Hamburgers, French Fries, a Cold Drink to Go?"
asked the attendant and said, "That be Nine-Fitty-Fo".
The guy swiped my card fast! the guy swiped it again!
and he called, as he handed it back, "Come again."

As fast as the sleigh could be driven that night,
I, Shakey, turned on music and flicked on the light...
And then down to a house that stood up on a hill,
The Elves landed down, laughing hardy and shrill.

From the other side of the old tottering house
came a retired old farmer and his drunken old louse,
with a turn of his hand, I, a rifle, did see,
and turned with a jerk as the others did flee.

I was left all alone in this field full of snow,
with a 22-gauge stuffed a-twitching my nose.
A beer can was tossed to the side as he slurred,
"What mischief around here you makin', ya turd?"

His eyes were more blood-shot than mine this cold night!
His cheeks were all hollowed, fists ready to fight!
His fat-lipped old mouth was turned up in a sneer
and the piss that ran down me was hot, like my fear.

He stumped and he laughed as he took off the pack,
unloading old Santa from off of my back;
His mouth was turned down, he was madder than Hell
on this one Christmas Morning not going so well.

He was chubby and plump, but stronger by far,
than a drunken old Elf underneath of the stars.
A twist of his arm and I went to my knees
as he whistled a shrill little tune to the breeze.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
and pushed me down into the sleigh with a jerk...
although Bob was a jerk, he allowed me some room,
As Big Elfie was stuffed upside down with a BOOM!

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
and away they did fly like the Patriot Missile.
But I heard him shake hands with the farmer below,
saying "Thank you, my friend... and now I've got to go!"

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