College at 30

I am writing this for two main reasons. The first, to kind of reflect for me and help find/keep the motivation. Second, to hopefully hear from others experiences and the ways they kept motivation.

I started college in the Spring of 2015 as a Physical Therapy Assistant major. At the time I was working full-time as a Technical Supplier Representative for a major Auto Glass maker in the US. My course schedule consisted of two classes per semester in the evenings. I found myself very much able to balance work/school/home life at this stage. It felt really good to be accomplishing something I never thought I would achieve.

A little backstory, I met my wife sophomore year in High School. She is the only reason I was able to graduate. Up until meeting her, I didn't really care about my grades. It wasn't that I couldn't do the work, I just didn't feel the need. She was the exact opposite, straight A's across the board. It made me feel like I needed to do something, I couldn't be outdone by my girlfriend. In the end, I was she still outdid me, she graduated with honors and a full ride scholarship and I graduated with a 1.8 GPA and a factory job. Three years after High School we had our first child, my daughter Kadence. Between that point and Spring of 2015, the story is average. Bouncing from one job to another gradually working our way up in society, buying a house, buying new cars, the average story.

Picking back up, I finished my Spring 2015 semester with a 4.0 average. To some of you that might not sound too extraordinary, considering I only took two classes, but hear me out. I had a 4.0! The kid who graduated High School bottom of his class. I was thrilled.

Fall of 2015 went much the same, but something did change. One of the requirements for my PTA degree path was that I take an introductory course in Physics. I couldn't get enough. Calculating velocities, accelerations, magnetism, it was all consuming for me. Spring of 2016 I submitted my major change request form. I fell into Physics head first and never looked back. That's when I found out my wife was pregnant again with our second child, my son Bryce.

Fall of 2016 was a whirlwind. I was laid off from my job, my son was born, and it was the first time in my life I was taking full-time hours at school. My wife allowed me the privilege of continuing my education fully after losing my employment. I couldn't thank her enough. But I was quickly finding out this wasn't going to be as easy as I thought.

I spent more hours in my home office than I ever had. I couldn't keep track of the days, I only knew deadlines. I was watching Kahn Academy videos while changing diapers. I couldn't usually remember the last time I ate. Juggling 15 credit hours and my duties and a Father/ Husband was breaking me.

Spring 2017 I couldn't take not working anymore so I got a part-time job. We didn't need the money, but I couldn't stand the feeling I felt when asked by friends or family what I did for a living. I was ashamed of being a full-time student at almost 30 years old. I avoided the topic as much as possible. But the added stress of the part-time job and full-time course load was taking its toll on my grades. The time I would normally spend studying or doing homework was now split between my kids and a job that didn't pay jack squat. I survived the semester, but my 4.0 GPA didn't. I made C's in every class, barely. I felt defeated, upset, I quit that damn job.

Summer 2017 I took out a federal loan and did all my Spring classes over again. No job this time, I made straight A's. I still felt defeated. Now, once again, I had to avoid that question of "What do you do for a living?". Fall of 2017 went much the same as Summer. I didn't work and was able to keep my grades up.

Now, here we are Spring of 2018. I am 30 years old and still in school. I am proud of what I am doing but I feel like I can't show it. I feel like I should be ashamed. Why at 30 would a man not have a full-time job and be providing for his family? This is how I feel people think of me. It doesn't matter that I am doing this for my family. It doesn't matter that I am tackling a very difficult major and succeeding. None of that matters. In today's world I am a sociological anomaly that shouldn't exist, or at least it feels that way. How do you move past this feeling? What is it that I am not seeing?