End of Week Funny Observations, Wisecracks, Quips and Commentary, But No Goddamn Puns! Okay, maybe one pun. (comedyopenmic 16)

More Funny Observations, (or at least they are funny to me)

Memorial Day
One of my favorite holidays. Memorial Day is a day to never forget and apparently also a good day to buy a mattress.

Solo: A Star Wars Story
Come for the Lando, stay for the capes.

Lando	Capes
Come for the Lando	Stay For The Capes

Michael Avenatti
Michael Avenatti is like a bad used car salesman who talks through all of your objections, then looks confused when you don’t buy the shitty 2004 Buick Century.

Michael Avenatti	Shitty 2004 Buick Century

Life In Southern Callifornia
I think to anecdotally sum up life in southern California, you only need to look to the guy, who drove his $80,000 Porsche to the Pacific Ocean, so that he could watch the sun rise.

I’m guessing the poor dumb bastard is still there waiting.

The University of Maine
University administrators brought in goats as stress relievers for students during final exams.
When I was in school to relieve stress we had to use old fashioned preparation. Apparently we were living in the dark ages and didn't know it. Why should I have had to handle my stress by knowing my shit when somebody could have brought me a goat!

10 years from now when these students are stressed out at work, HR had better bring in some goats. Or that’s some bullshit. #nogoatseither

Another Self-Driving Tesla Crashed
Another Tesla on autopilot crashed into a parked car. Some political groups, trying to get payoffs from Elon Musk, are screaming about the "risk to the public" and calling for Tesla to shut down the autopilot program.

On the same day of the Tesla crash 3,287 human drivers crashed into parked cars, trees, fences, walls, lamp posts, light posts, animals, big rocks, little stumps, other vehicles and each other.
The response from these same political groups who were railing about risk to the public: (crickets)

In Minnesota, Authorities want to know why a man fired shots at an empty school bus.
a. He thought it was a horse.
b. The little bastards had it coming.
c. Because the internet.
d. He thought it was the Partridge Family.
e. He didn’t like the way it looked at him.
f. "It wasn’t me, the Warriors did it, they shot Cyrus!"
g. He was fuckin crazy.

Oceans Late
I want to see a heist movie with an all female cast, where everybody onscreen is always worried that they might be pregnant, call it "Oceans Late."

Okay, let's stop this bit right here.

I hate puns. Puns are the lowest form of comedy. They are easy to do and rarely funny.
King Louis XIV, whose court at Versailles was known for it's witty conversation, would expel you from court if you were low brow enough to utter a pun. He also wore a powdered wig, but nevertheless he was right about puns.

Anyway. Turns out, in the hands of comedy writers, humorists, good improvisers, comedy actors, and generally funny people, a well placed pun can be a useful tool. So, with that in mind I stand by this Oceans 8 pun like ABC stood by Roseanne.

By the way, speaking of apes: Roseanne looks like Dr Zaius fucked a pig.

Dr. Zaius	A Pig

Royal Wedding
There are two words I never have to hear again, Royal Wedding. The media talked about it so much, I actually believed something important was going on. It was the longest 2 seconds of my life.

The Irony of all the royal wedding frenzy was not lost on me. It was remarkable to be told for 15 years not to call young girls “Princesses” for obvious reasons, only to watch American women lose their minds over royal weddings.
Oh’ wait I’m sorry. I’m using logic and reason to call out bullshit. I think that is “mansplaining” these days.

++++++++++++++++++++++++

*Memorial Day joke blatantly stolen from my friend TJ Shanoff.

Check out some of my previous posts:

Weekend Sports Dump
https://steemit.com/sports/@davidpompeii/vzsgjuco

Under the Red Carpet at the Solo: A Star Wars Story premier
https://steemit.com/solo/@davidpompeii/tq4eyrgh

A Comedy Deconstruction of TV News
https://steemit.com/humor/@davidpompeii/the-real-fakenews-a-comedy-deconstruction-of-tv-news-in-america