Morbid, Creepy & Awkward: The Best Kind of Funny - Comedy Open Mic Round # [20]

So my wife and I got a call during the middle of the night... the type that you seriously never want to get. This prompted us to discuss life and mortality. Always a fun topic for the ever-so-morbid of people.

I account myself in the community of morbidity. I think if they gave away a Membership Card for Creepy Morbid People that I would earn mine free of charge. YAASSSSSSS!!

So, you wonder why I think this? Well, just to show you my awesome arsenal:

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Cling Wrap courtesy of the Glad Corporation

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My wife and I moved to our current home a few years ago as her parents were starting to go through some health issues. It was painful to watch as they both slipped away over the following 2 years, but it did give us great dramedy and morbid jokes.

My wife took morbid to a whole new level during one of our many, many visits to Critical Care while her mom was slowly dying of an almost-comical string of illnesses. It left her with an open chest after her sternum deteriorated from infection, among other things. It got to the point between both her parents that we were deciding who in the family was next with Bird Flu or The Plague.

Which brings us to that day.

Nothing like being sad and hearing your loved-one (my awesomely creepy wife) asking me to get her phone so she can take pictures of the open chest cavity. Her mom’s chest was dark with what looked to my like cling wrap over it. Who knew kitchen apparati could so easily help the sick and dying. I’ll never be able to cover my food without thinking of an open chest cavity and a beating heart again.

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Lounging Skeletor, how much more Awkward can you get?

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So, not to be outdone, when her dad came home on Hospice for his final week of life, I got my revenge. Mind that I am always the opportunistic type and love to make people laugh at the most inopportune time. Well, knowing that her father’s family was trying to make us out to look like we weren’t taking care of him (although we were the ones that were there throughout everything he was going through), I decided to make my move.

On his deathbed, nonetheless, with everyone on the verge of tears and crowded around the shell of a man. It was perfect.

“Sooo,” I began. “ I think we should dress him like Skeletor and take pictures to send out to his family. Then tell them that’s his funeral pictures.”

Insert inappropriate chuckling here. I think it may have been close to multiple funerals as people broke. Someone fell off of a chair, I remember this distinctly. It may have been me.

So I had to respond once more. “Poor timing?? Yeah? I think it’s a great idea!”

The group wasn’t quite as pleased, but it did have the desired effect as the tears and solemn mood cracked enough to make everyone start thinking about the fun times. It’s all about the morbid and creepy laughter.

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[Don't be Jealous of my Awesome Whiskers!]

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Now, I’ve also went to a funeral for my favorite cousin’s dad and, to lighten the mood, went in for a creepy hug. I hugged long, I hugged hard. I rubbed my stubbly chin across her cheek. Then I made my move.

I slowly reached my hand to her mouth and whispered sweetly, “Does this smell like Chloroform to you?”

Insert more inappropriate giggling. This time I wasn’t the only one laughing. I hope.

This one was an inside joke that we all had, so need to think poorly of me. The other times, sure, but not this time.

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Think of this as My Brain in a Jar

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Ok, now that I’ve went through a brief history of creepy and morbid humor, I’ll jump into the latest. I won’t go into details of the situation, but suffice it to say we have some emotions threatening to overwhelm us and the need arose to misdirect it.

My wife started it though, so I’m just following her lead on it.

Wife: “If you ever die before me, I’m going to bring you back to life to kill you again.”

Me: “Woah! Wait! If you bring me back to life, just leave me alive!”

Wife: “Nope. I think I’ll take your brain out and put it in a robot.”

Ok, insert random Sex Robot comment here. Barely any reaction. Must increase dose of Ludicrousness.

She then suggested my brain would be better put into a computer.

Well, now I’m going all Mad Scientist! I told her that I’m going to make me a Last Will & Testament and include my brain.

Me: “To my wife I leave all of my worldly possessions; and my dead or dying brain, complete with brain stem and spinal nerves, in a jellied liquid inside a glass jar.”

I think that’s a great idea, so I tell her she needs to put the glass jar on the mantle and introduce me to any new people who enter the house.

Me: “Hi! Welcome! This is my husband! He doesn’t talk much.”

Wife: “then I’m putting in small LED lights in your brain that light up randomly.”

YAAASSSS!!

Me: “Yeah! And then stick in like 2 big old-style Christmas bulbs (the bulbous round ones) and make them voice activated. I should program them to respond with certain patterns on command and you can translate! That would be awesome!”

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Yeah, I’m just that awesomely inappropriate. Don’t be jelly! Not all of us can make the dead roll in their graves. I’m a special sort of person.

Thanks for reading and enjoying my strange and twisted nature.

These jokes are @OriginalWorks of memory. Some may have been modified from the original because (let’s face it) my memory sucks.

I nominate @disarrangedjane and @globocop to try their hands at the COM.

Thanks.