Engineer Harmony: Save Time and Money by Reducing Conflict Part 3: Word and Phrasing Choices By Darrell Becker

I’m sure everyone who’s been reading these essays has reflected upon times in the past when a few choice words they said made all the difference in a positive or negative way. In the same way, I’ve worked to isolate some specific words and phrases that I have been calling the “Language of Obligation”, words which often seem to indicate some form of urgency, obligation or qrequirement on the part of the person who hears or reads them. In this essay I will give you some of these words that I discovered, followed by the “Language of Choice”, words and phrases that can convey similar meaning without implying or making explicit demands upon others. When demands are interpreted or made explicit, often this becomes a focal point of conflict, due to the nature of habitual training that has affected almost every person who we are likely to work with (or work for) in nearly any business.

        Part 1 gave you a visualization method to use, to create more internal harmony and balance, emotionally and mentally. Part 2 gave you ways to assess your own attitudes, and to consider if altering those attitudes would benefit you. You then had an opportunity to assess the attitude of the person you are communicating with, to help you with a cost/benefit analysis regarding your future or continued interactions with this person. Part 3 is designed to help you analyze word and phrase choices you can consider BEFORE you send them or speak them to people you are doing business with. A useful exercise is to type up the email the way you were originally planning to, and before sending it, consider changing things from the words on the left margin of this essay to the words on the right. You can then use this list and see if the words and phrases on the left are being used toward you, and you can “translate” them into the right side of the page to see potential motives and intentions which might be operative within people who communicate with you. It has been my experience that when I’ve analyzed my own and other people’s email threads (which I am paid to do) I see things begin to go south and grow more disharmonious, confusing, frustrated and fearful when elements of the “Language of Obligation” are used. Choosing to use the “Language of Choice” is one way I’ve found to add balance and harmony to my interpersonal communication. I have chosen to call it the Language of Choice because I am emphasizing personal responsibility (the definition I am intending here: ability to respond), which seems to stem from the ability to choose actions for one’s self, and the acknowledgement of the causes and effects which seem to be connected regarding those choices. It works when thinking and “talking” to myself as well, and I recommend giving it a try.

(If you use….) (Consider changing it to…..)
Language of Obligation………………………………..……………….Language of Choice

(Consider changing…) (perhaps you can use…..)
Got to/Have to (Have got to)……………………….……… …….I prefer for you/me to________
(Follow up with a reason, perhaps emphasize a previously written agreement or contract.)
You must……………………………….……………………...…….I would rather that you/I _______
(Follow up with several reasons, definitely emphasize a previously written agreement or contract that has causes/effects spelled out regarding consequences of their actions.)
You need to………………………..………………..…………….I very much want you to_______
(Follow up with a reason, perhaps emphasize a previously written agreement. A follow up question to this one is “Would you be willing to______?” Make it known that an agreement with cause/effect clauses has been created, and that their actions are their own choice, ultimately.)
You ought to…………………………….……………………….……….Perhaps if you__________
(Follow up with supportive evidence on why the suggestion works in their favor.)
You should………………………………………………………….…….Perhaps if you__________
(Follow up with supportive evidence on why the suggestion works in their favor.)
Selfish………………………………………………………………………...……….Self-interested
(Honoring the nobility of caring for what is in their own interest is a method to connect to the person, potentially.)
I feel that (followed by words that are not emotions)……………....I intuit, I get the sense that___
(This is tricky, and in business deals I do NOT recommend you use either. Stick to facts, and consider that referring to your own or other people’s emotions will not likely help the situations you are trying to create, in most circumstances, unless your emotional bond with those persons is strong and was created over years.)
That made me feel………………………………...……I noticed I felt _____when _____happened
(Again, in most business deals I do NOT recommend you use either. Stick to facts.)
I deserve………………………………………………………..………….I desire, I wish for_______
(Follow up with what the agreements you both made are, the intentions of the arrangement, finish with the mutually desired end results and what that could look like.)
I’ve got rights!.....................................................................Here’s what I’m looking to get done….

(“I’ve got rights!” can often be interpreted as a demand, and as a potential legal threat which is brewing. Some folks will take this to be implying that they are being called insensitive, illegal, dangerous and other undesirable adjectives. I recommend that a person can focus upon what is desired, communicate the end results which have been agreed to, delineate boundaries and name any cause/effect consequences which relate to what is being planned out. Punitive legal actions are often cause for further conflict. By all means, know the relevant jurisdictions and laws applicable to each situation, consult with a legal professional privately when necessary, but if possible try to keep all situations profitable, frictionless and effective, regarding the objectives that are desired. When possible, I always recommend non-binding 3rd party arbitration agreements as the first line of recourse when beginning the contract negotiations.)

        Cleaning up an existing conflict using these 3 essays is far more time consuming and complicated than using these methods before the disharmony occurs. Just like cleaning up a mess takes up more time and energy than preventing one, living and working with the mess is also expensive, and I can help folks learn how to clean up such situations in their businesses. I’m available for lengthy email thread and recorded voice/video analysis for businesses who wish to stop spending as much time and money burning bridges with colleagues, potential and active clients, and independent contractors, especially when most of them just wish to get the jobs done. I offer private and group training and webinar services to help businesses and individuals gain the skills I’ve been promoting in these three articles, for the purpose of reducing interpersonal (and internal) “friction” which often is shown to lead to slowed-down production, loss of clients, increased costs and decreased profits. It is my hope that these and similar methods will one day become universal, as more people see the bottom line and wish to increase harmony for the purposes of increasing productivity and innovation.

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