I AM DEAD

Now let me explain something. Obviously I’m not actually dead otherwise I wouldn’t be able to type this right?

I am dead. I have stopped living and I’m a little scared about this. I’ve been dead for about a year now. I can no longer chase my biggest dreams, I can no longer feel a true happiness that one may have when they’ve felt that an accomplishment as been established.

I want to do so many things, yet my time has already come to an end and I feel as if my goals in life and hopes for a better life for me are not obtainable. Every little thing I do or do not do, I either overthink what the next step would be- or feel like even though I’ve completed a task or any sort of minor success towards a brighter future; that somehow I have done it wrong and need to fall back a step to try to figure out where I faulted.

I’ve pretty much devoted my entire life in the last 6 months anyways strictly to my workplace, working 60+ hours a week with maybe as little as 3-4 hours of sleep in between shifts. It’s a good paycheque but I still feel empty. I still feel though as I have completed a job and helped a company progress in their financial adventure, that I have not tried my best. This eats me alive slowly inside. I don’t know why....

Why would I feel nothing even after getting praise from my bosses about my work? Why would I go in even earlier to try to prove to myself that I am doing something worth while after the fact?

I have financially been alright because of my long weeks yet I want more, I NEED MORE, even though I don’t exactly have a use for the amounts I receive. I save up for an item I’ve had my eye on for 2 months but as soon as I get a chance to purchase it, I lose interest in such product. I hang out with my siblings and go places. They make purchases and I tell myself I cannot because I don’t have any money to spend.

My photography is fading. My style, my lust for the art, and my equipment are all but slowly dissipating and in the back of my mind I seem not to care about this at all. I’ve wanted to travel for photography yet when the thought of it races through my mind I tell myself I’m too tired for that activity, but I’ll go to work even on weekends.

I’m starting to completely zone out when I’m with my family and just sit there looking stunned. If they ask if I’m okay, I just mumble. I go outside and think of it as not a gorgeous day, rather I think “why am I here?”

I AM DEAD inside and can’t seem to support anyone in any way. I feel like I’m nothing more than a damaged vessel for someone that is not me. I am NOT me anymore. The true me. I don’t know exactly how to explain but I just feel like I’m not living my life and just sitting back watching the world go by. As if I’m stuck in a metaphorical cage in my own mind with a lock- and here I sit with the key to the lock but for some reason I don’t break free.

I am tired CONSTANTLY yet when I try to fall asleep I cannot. My brain knows it should shut down for a good while to rest but does not do so. My eyes get heavy but do not shut. I’m afraid to sleep but can’t understand why I’m afraid. When my body FINALLY does sleep it could last up to 2-3 days at a TIME.

I’m not me. I’m not truly happy. I am not alive.
But I seemingly don’t want to help myself but stay in the same rut. What can I do?

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