Shower thoughts

Shower Thoughts
@deltatrek

Warm droplets of rain from the shower bounce off my body, a thousand at a time, each so tiny, but in the instant of their touch, before they fall away, they leave behind a piece of their warmth. A gift. It is energy, and transfer. I understand this.

I study my hands under the glow of golden light. I feel them, I can move them. I turn them palm down and back. They are a part of me, and yet if I did not have them, I would be no less. I am my body but my body is not me. Such a strange distinction. I close my hands into fists and open them again. It requires no thought, but still they obeyed. I did this, but I can only know it; I cannot think it. How could it be that I know a thing but cannot think the thing. Is my will not my thoughts? I do not understand.

My fingers are starting to crinkle. How long have I been in the water? Mesmerized by the thousand fold flow of the droplets of warmth. I reach out my hand and clasp the handle. I decided to do this, but now I wonder: Was I always going to have done so? I feel it is my decision, but fate would have it that I would come to this point. I delay for another ten seconds just to trick it. But now I am faced with the same dilemma. How can I know my decisions are my own? For every time I go to move, fate has me chained and I can’t escape. I delay another few seconds, but was this also predetermined? It is maddening.

I end the shower and dry and dress myself. But I am left disturbed. Aware of every action. Who am I? What is this life? Nothing is born from nothing. All that exists, is all that has ever existed.

I am not my body, for it is a merely a machine of senses. I am not my mind, for it is just a receiver and a processor. I am not my thoughts, for they are but a product of the mind. But I am conscious--beyond the body’s faculties. Consciousness. Where do we go when we die? But the same place from which we came. Nothing is born from nothing. I am God, walking a land where God is many. As the two faces belong to the same coin. I am bound by fate, but it is also made by the decisions I make.

I walk this world alone, and I alone am a fool.