2/14 preparing for the inevitable

Day two.
When you realize that your life can be gone in a second with this miniscule virus what is the most sensible thing to do?

Waking up to new morning I decided to do heavy cleaning and laundry.If ever i will be intubated I hope they find my space in order.I packed my small backpack with my passport ,money,contact numbers and 3 days outfit just in case.

Next while doing my laundry I cooked my meal for the day.I just decided to fight this virus the best way ala naturale.I think if it is Gods will I go who am I to argue.So today I did listen to many gospel songs and called my loved ones. I do not want to go away not letting them know how special they are to me and how they have enriched my life.

I have made so many plans in this life.So many of my dreams never came true even at my best effort.For the longest time I had walked with little to no faith because I was angry at God why he allows others lived their best lives but my deepest longings where unheard of.I have felt so unlucky /unblessed/cursed for the longest time.As I listen to the songs I find myself sobbing.I saw my life in flashes and strangely it makes sense what many decades of heartaches didnt .The possibility of death must give a sense of clarity to everyone.Because I never felt this assured of his love.

As much as I fear death I know in the deepest of my being that I will not be alone in my last hours.My only request when it comes is he gives the same peace he instills in my heart to those I leave behind.I hope as much as they mourn my passing they will also remember how much they were loved by me.I hope when they recall those moments it will be more of laughter than tears.

I will be still because I have a great God.I know that God is my only healer.So I will do my best to be healthy .As advised I am hydrating as much as I can.As a nurse I know that our body is designed to fight off pathogens.As al Christian I know I am wonderfully and fearfullt made so probably I will live to tell how I survive this illness to my descendants.So today I decided to let fo off all those negativity and just focused on Gods words and self care.

Sipping my lemon -honey tea I packed my belongings for possible shipment tomy home country,Philippines.If I would be able to carry few earthly things with me to the otherside what would they be?They'd be these:
*pictures of people I love and places I have been

I would want my family to donate all my belongings .And if its not much to ask I want my bushes sprinkled in our small farm near the beach .I do not want a sad funeral of many days where people will congregate to transmit the germs more.I wish they celebrate.the life I lived by feeding 100 streetkids instead.I had always wanted to be amom but always postponed the idea because I was scared I couldnt provide for them .So i studied so hard,and delayed it until I had the career or the bank accounts to give them the life I dreamed of as a child.What a fool I was to think that I own my life.

So many miracles in daily living I never noticed because I was so busy tendering my scars.It is funny how one wishes to cut her life short in coward effort to evade life's arrows but when called to cross over clings to it until her last breath.When I jot down things I am grateful for in this life my tears flood too.Indeed it is a beautiful world

I used to fear aging with all its complications.But with many lives lost with this contagious illness I find myself begging God for more time to laugh with my parents,brothers,aunts , uncles,cousins and friends.I need to focus my energy on things I would want to happen to me when this sickness is contained.

In my bucketlist:
A. travel as much as I can
B.pass ny international acceeditation to be a nurse so I can volunteer and make this a better world for disadvantaged children
C.fall in love and be loved in return
D.leave a legacy for the future generation:senior home in our small patch of farm
- that runs on solar energy
- organically grown food
- social entrepreneurship by employing people who wishes to finish their education
-eco constructed accommodation of tiny homes

I do not know how it will happen but I trust God as he plants this deep rooted desires in me.

YES I fear dying young with so many of my life goals unmet.I fear I was not good enough to be in God's prescence.I worry for my parents I will be leaving behind.I pray that my passing bring them closer to God to each other.I hope for people I leave behind they have the best of life I didnt get to live.

I hope if i die from this dreaded sickness people knew I fought a good fight and that I bid adieu with a smile on my face.I hope they knew I was at peace.Death might have claimed my body but my love lives on .I hope they knew I die grateful .