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"Outside, the mercury was falling fast. It was colder than the Devil's heart, raining ice pitchforks as if the Heavens were ready to fall." - Max Payne

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A Scottish winter is a cruel unforgiving bitch. The wind whips across the hills forcing rain, sleet and snow into your very soul. The bitter cold numbs extremities and stifles your breath, burning your lungs. The darkness doesn't break. The grit on the roads grinds your drivetrain until there is nothing left.

Everyday you hope for dry weather. Everyday you pray to Sean (Sean Batty is a celebrity weatherman at STV) for some good news and everyday you mutter "you bastard" under your breath as he gives you the opposite.

Yes, a Scottish winter is hard. But not as hard as what caused my worst fall to date.

The above picture is of Sean Batty, just in case you didn't get that.

The female pleasure giver ride...

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It was a dark cold December morning, one might go as far as to say it was brass monkeys. Spider webs on our fence looked like sparkly Christmas decorations and the frost had turned the grass into a white concrete carpet. But I wasn't bothered, as they say there is no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing. I had my SealSkin (the brand not the animal) gloves, my overshoes and my thick waterproof jacket, I was toastie!

Credit

After 8 miles, my epilepsy inducing lights had started to fade, but luckily I was now in town and it was no longer as important. Just one lefthander and a 2 mile straight remaining. I approached the last corner with the standard amount of vigor, completely unprepared for what happened next! My front wheel slipped from underneath me, I came crashing to the floor and slid into the middle of the road, my chin taking the full force of the fall.

Laying there with the wind knocked out of me I knew that I had to get up, I wasn't up for getting squashed by a car. I nonchalantly got to my feet, collected my bike and moved off of the road. The adrenaline was coursing through my veins, shock had already set in. It felt so surreal, almost an outer body experience. It reminded me of that scene from Saving Private Ryan where the guy loses his arm, finds it and then calmly walks off.

The corner of my eye picked up the throbbing glare of my front light. It had fallen off during the crash and was still in the road. Before I could retrieve it a motorist turned on his laser designator and made a beeline directly for it, smashing it into a thousand pieces.

At this point I was past caring, I just sat beside my bike wondering what the fuck had just happened. That is when I 'cocked' it, I saw what was responsible for my mishap and I couldn't believe my eyes. Not a patch of black ice that I had originally thought but an enormous black dildo, complete with realistic scrotum. A willy that any man would be proud to have stuffed down his pants, a true hammer. Now if any of you have ever felt gravel slipping underneath your front wheel just imagine what a 12 inch dildo feels like, I had no chance. It was near death by dildo!

I believe it was this model if you are interested.

Still sitting there blood flowing from my chin staining my jacket crimson, now wondering how in the hell it got there? Who in their right mind leaves their dildo on the street? Surely someone was missing it.

I sat like this in a deep state of contemplation until I was numb. Only then deciding to move in order to assess the extent of my injuries. The last two miles to work were hard, blood from my chin now everywhere and my whole body beginning to ache.

I think I needed a Doctor...

Continue to Part 4 - The Hysterical Doctor