What's going through the mind of a soon-to-be dad...
At age 25, next July I'm going to have my first baby, it's all very exciting :)
My beautiful partner at 9 weeks
There have been a few things that have been going through my mind even before we've been through the first 9 months, I thought it might be worthwhile sharing what's been going through my mind in the interim period between having the luxury of free time and making mistakes, and having a family of my own and raising kids.
1) How am I going to teach them about drugs and alcohol, when I used to use party drugs and binge drink as a teenager?
This was the first thought that came to mind, that later on in life they're going to be a teenager, and there's going to be peer pressure in some way, shape or form to try something that is a bad idea.
Then there's the irony that between the ages of 16 to 22 I would casually smoke pot, I was able to stop before it prevented me from reaching any goals from lack of motivation... Same with drugs, between 20 and 21 I was off my face on MDMA, Acid, occasional DMT and went mushroom picking. None of which I regret, or still use, however finishing up drug use with the knowledge of what it's like without ending with a dangerous and destructive addiction, which I saw a lot of when I was using them. But if I have a son/daughter who is found at school with something dangerous, or they start going to parties where people are using these substances, I don't feel like coming down on them like a ton of bricks would solve anything, and I don't feel like letting them embrace drug use will end well either. Either they would start to disconnect from their parents like I did, or they would believe that constant drug use is acceptable because their father used to do it. I would either look like a hypocrite, or look like a bad parent. So I've been wondering how am I even meant to teach them about drugs and alcohol, without being tough on them or being too soft on them?
It also makes me think about just how many people out there used to have a dangerous lifestyle, and then had to do a complete backflip and never tell their children about what their previous lifestyles were. I even asked a few workmates with kids about this, and they have all said the exact same thing. Except for a few who said they haven't ever had to talk to their kids about drugs, and they've been thankful for it.
2) How am I meant to teach them about what is going to get them somewhere in life?
I was born in 1991, and I grew up playing educational PC games running on windows 98 (queue gizmos and gadgets, for epic nostalgia), there was no such thing as Facebook, or social media for that matter, the internet was still fairly new and dial-up was the standard, writing everything down using piles of paper in school, after school meant football training or playing backyard cricket with my brothers, and playing trombone in the primary school band. Now, in 2016 and a baby born in 2017, it's almost a guarantee that their education will be around technology, gamification of math, english, science, geography, history, just about any form of education. In addition to this, there's also going to be Augmented Reality used in schools, and possibly even completely paperless schools. It's going to be different to growing up in the 90's.
It means that the methods that I learned with education and growing up in the 90's for the most part isn't going to apply in the 2010s or 2020s. So how am I going to have to make sure that I understand what they're going to need moreso some areas than others? More importantly, with the rise of social media narcissism, how am I going to protect my kids from the notion that a large number of followers and likes on facebook has less value than skills that will be needed in the future, like medicine, technology or commerce?
3) How am I going to help them find what they really want to do in life?
I remember when I was growing up, my dad enrolled me in the local recreation center basketball tournament every year, and also enrolled me in Auskick, football for kids in the local area. Neither of which I enjoyed, and I spent a lot of time never wanting to go anywhere.
However, when I reached 12 years old, a high school friend had said that his local surf lifesaving club was allowing new members to try out the club runs and Sunday activities for free for a month, and after going there at 5am on a Sunday I absolutely loved it and couldn't get enough of it. I kept patrolling until I graduated in 2008 at age 17.
So with my little baby on the way, what are they going to enjoy doing? Even if they find an activity that they may enjoy doing that isn't going to get them any good, wholesome new social skills, how am I going to tell them that what they're doing isn't going to be good for them? We're moving to Geelong in Victoria next year, so that we can raise them near the water, learning how to swim at a young age, but if they find something else they enjoy on their own we could embrace it and encourage their development, something like a sport would be great instead of something like going out to parties to drink every weekend.
4) How am I going to protect them from bad political influences?
In the last few years there has been a huge amount of news created about how there is constant accusations of racism, sexism, bigotry and that of the likes, and a lot of these stories are because there was an opinion representing the vernacular, and often used as a means of inciting violence and prejudice going both ways. What I already know I'm going to have to teach them, even though they're not born yet:
a) If my baby is a boy, they're going to be raised to respect men and women equally. However, they are never going to be raised to believe that because they have a penis, that they are rapist waiting to strike, and that they are always to blame for everything.
b) If my baby is a girl, they're going to be raised to respect men and women equally, however they are never going to be raised to believe that because they are a female, they are automatically going to be the victim in every situation.
If me and my partners values represent egalitarianism, how can we be sure that we aren't going to have a gang of liberal college students tell my baby that they're going to grow up to be a rapist, or that they're going to be raped if they ever walk into a college? In addition to this, once they are on social media in their later years, how am I going to prevent them from being influenced by a group or individuals, whos best interests are not what is best for my child, or anyone else's child? that they are using children to push a political agenda?
5) How am I going to teach them to respect themselves?
A big problem with kids is that they cannot respect themselves. For boys, it's common to never let emotions out, that to solve problems you need to hurt someone else and never submit; for girls, it's taking clothes off so that people give you attention.
So for a little boy, if he's being bullied by a boy or girl at school, if he's upset about it and he's being told to 'man up' instead of talking about his emotions, how can I ensure that he won't listen to these influences, and how do I make sure that he can open up to his parents about feelings and problems he might have, without making him feel uncomfortable, or worry about not looking cool in front of friends?
As for a little girl, if she's being told that she needs to 'flaunt it' and strip down so that she gets more attention than any other girl, getting more attention online or offline... How am I meant to tell her that this is wrong to think that showing skin will get you any further in life beyond, being given attention? Relying on looks to get you through life is unsustainable at best,
and you'll be stuck forever in a vicious cycle that means you need to depend on people on way or another to live your life. So with outside influences that could be teaching her this, how do I show her that she can respect herself without having to submit to this poor standard?
Anyway, these are a few of the most major thoughts that have been going through my mind now that I'm going to be a dad.