An unfulfilled teenager and the promise of a numb adulthood

Dead indeed!

I am an adult now
We are all born innocent and it is our circumstances, environment, and the people we are born with that change us. I was born different and I didn’t mind when I came to age and realized it, but it affected me deeply. I was innocent and I enjoyed it. I enjoyed being able to connect to everything around me, to the trees, the sky, the objects and colors. I made my choices and I cannot blame it all on the past. I am an adult now and doesn’t it mean I stop blaming everything and everyone but me? Depression is my best friend. It has been since I was sixteen years old. I have been hurt so many times that I don’t feel anything anymore. I was born different and that’s not on me but I chose a different path than the one I was supposed to take and that’s completely on me. I don’t know why I’m alive. I don’t enjoy it and I want it to stop but I don’t want to be judged which is completely contradictory to what I believe in, the one thing I’m glad I believe in: heaven and hell.
I am such a hypocrite. I claim to be understanding and compassionate but deep down I believe we should all die. I believe it is pointless, life, the thing we all hang on to, the thing we would give every dime we have to keep holding on to. I want us all to die. Maybe because I’m dead, I want people to die. Sometimes, just sometimes I feel like all people should be happy. all people should have what they want. all people should live forever and all the suffering and the pain should end. Of course, I feel like that when I dwell in the other world, the world I’m no longer invited to and all that I’m left with is the bittersweet promise of reality. the reality of the world. the reality that all the happiness in the world would not suffice me and nothing, nothing could revive me, I went, I’m gone.