when does it stop

as of late, I find myself to be depressed, anxious or just really angry. Today, I was sitting at home , alone... and I saw this song come on Vevo.... it was a song dedicated to Paul Walker... but as I looked at all his pictures, I found myself sobbing, missing my dad.... cause I remembered he is dead. I have days where i forget he is gone and left me with a huge mess that seems to never end. it's been seven months yesterday...... I miss him and want to say hi, even though he was a mean drunk..... I really miss his voice. it hurts so much to know he was so sad and so lost in his addiction. It hurts more to know he died alone, surrounded by garbage and bottles upon bottles of empty Smirnoff. I hate him for it. but I miss him. I should be thankful he is not here anymore, but damnit, he had a hard life and he struggled and deep down, he was a sweet, loving man , that was horribly abused by his family.... and he passed that on . I was subjected to a life that no child should have..... but still, I miss him. and it makes me mad that i do.
each day that goes by lately...is long, arduous and just seems to be a never-ending stuggle to just find a ray of hope to cling to. The depression has a grip on me.....and that deep, dark voice that belongs to it... really is saying some awful things to me.... I'm so tired of a daily battle to just live. I cling to whatever tiny bit of joy I can.....it's barely keeping my head above water......and I feel so heavy and tired.... some days , I just want to let go of flotation device and let the darkness swallow me. I feel no purpose. This struggle has been ongoing since I was like five..... so, for about forty one years, I have fought this monster...... but it's a huge struggle now.... more so than ever before....I just want to lay here and cry til it stops.