dealing with your demons under the radar

“Are you all okay?” they ask.

“Yes,” I answer, “I just don’t like to talk right now.”

And that answer is enough for them. They will then carry on with their day and never think about me again.

That’s how it has always been. If I’m lucky enough for them to notice me, that is. Actually, lucky is not the word. I never liked attention anyway. I feel like I don’t have anything to offer to them to deserve it.

My depression and social anxiety are not out there for the world to see. I don’t like to make people think I tell it for attention. Again, I don’t like attention. I think it’s overwhelming and triggers my anxiety.

I have never thought about suicide since I was in 18.

I have a friend who always talks about dying. I’ve known him for more or less 5 years now and he always talks about killing himself as far as I can remember. I know he will never do it. I think he hates how his life is sometimes but he doesn’t want to give up on the possibilities that things will get better.

I always tell myself and to people that it always gets better.

Or does it really?

Honestly, I think it could also be because we all grow old and gaining more understanding of life. That life is not fair and shit happens but that shit always passes by and something new will happen. And it is an endless cycle of good and unfortunate events.

But I always tell myself and people that things will get better.

I wake up earlier than I wanted to every morning. Actually, I really don’t know what should I consider early and late. When I wake up at 7 AM, I force myself back to bed because I think it’s too early. But when I wake up at 9 AM, I feel so bad about myself and think it’s late. Maybe 8 AM is just the right time to wake up. But when I wake up at 8 AM, I will still stay in bed staring at the ceiling until the clock hits 9 AM. I’ll end up feeling bad about myself.

I look forward to working most morning, but recently, I cannot find the motivation to do so.

I think this is due to the fact that lately, I’ve been comparing myself to other people who do the same work as I do. They earn a lot of times higher than I do. But I know that it has something to do with the fact that I’m living in a country where the standard of living is lower compared to them. But still, I know I could do what they’re doing. I just don’t know how to get started. I’m trying to stop comparing, though. It’s making me feel like shit than making me feel inspired to do the same.

I have people to talk to. Yet, every time I do, I usually fade into the background, feeling like I don’t have anything to say that would make sense even if I did. It’s so hard to reach out. I think at the end of the day, people just care about themselves, about their own story, about how their life is worse.

But that’s okay.

It’s no one’s fault. I never think people are selfish for doing that. It’s a human nature to care more about themselves first before others.

I like to think that I am good at reading people’s behavior and I could have been a psychologist. On top of that, I’m a good listener. I appreciate how people open up to me. I know how it feels when no one pays attention to what you are saying, so I don’t waste the chance to listen. It’s almost flattering. Like, how did you choose me to be the person you open this up to? It makes me feel special, in a way.

I no longer feel empty. I have things to look forward to. But sometimes, depression and anxiety are still there to take the good things away.

I don’t think I need help, though. I like to think I am stronger now to deal with it. Like I always say, as long as I can sleep at night, I’ll be fine.

I’ll be fine.