The big D

It's hard, it's life changing, it's useless. It's Depression.

I went to the doctor and got a prescription for anti-depression pills. I also will be scheduled for a psychiatrist but I'm not sure when that will happen. The potential side effects include agitation, increased blood pressure, vomiting, nausea, severe trouble sleeping, hallucinations, coma and increased thoughts of suicide. Which is all so absolutely the worst case scenario but it's still kinda bull shit. The least of my worries is that I can't have any alcohol with this prescription, that of course is a potential lifetime issue since I may need to take these pills for the rest of my life. Or just seasonally if that's the issue. I feel that is the issue.

For about 5 or 10 years it seems as though my problems arise between February and May. This year it hit sooner as there were quite a lot of emotional wounds being reopened with my dad and I spending Christmas at his new house. It should have been a bigger issue last year when it was the two of us, but for some reason having his wife and her sons there just made it worse.

I think partly it's because I don't get to spend enough time with my own dad. But more so I know it's because any sense of family I thought I had is obviously not there. My step-mother and her sons are the most toxic versions of humans I can imagine without actually involving physical domestic violence or substance abuse into the mix. Their words are like weapons constantly targeted at each other, tearing one another down.

I want so much for my dad to be happy but I cannot see this being his happy ending. Maybe it is, maybe he doesn't care. But it just seems like a group of leaches attached themselves onto a good person and he doesn't see how much they're sucking the life out of him. I want to tell him but he's so delusional that his wife makes him happy, I just can't bring myself to do it.

Truth is, I could try and it might not be worth it. He wouldn't see what I see.

It's only one of the subjects that has tormented me these past two months or two years. I have so many more personal issues I don't know if I have time to unpack all of them. But perhaps this blog will help unveil the mystery.