MY NEMESIS: DEPRESSION 2

in #depression6 years ago

Depression is still a bitch. Healing is a process. The first ray of light piercing through the muddy waters does not indicate the end of the struggle. It simply means that I now have a beacon to wade toward.

What have I done differently since Sunday in my attempt to heal myself? Firstly, I stepped out of my pyjamas every morning and had a long bath, treating my face with scrubs and masks, tending to the winter growth that happens on a woman's body, especially during winter when legs are invisible. My skin shines and my legs are smooth. On Tuesday I actually put on some makeup and ventured out to our local mall in search of new bedding. Also, I took part in an @artstorm competition by @deemarshall. (I did not win, but my creative juices started trickling back! https://steemit.com/artstorm/@minnaloushe/artstorm-contest-33-day-2-theme-today-ice-cold) The best of all, I started reaching out again – I actually blogged. Tuesday evening I made carrot soup. And last night I coloured a mandala.

These little actions might seem trivial, but for me they were giant leaps on my way to recovery. I had to force myself to do everything that I did, and I went to bed every night, tired beyond measure. However, I slept well, and no nightmares plagued me.

Another important thing happened. God has this way of encouraging me when I am down and out. If I had to walk my life's path without Him, I might have committed suicide long ago. Anyway, while I was out shopping on Tuesday, I crossed paths with my psychologist. I have seen him on and off during the past twenty years or so. Now you must understand that depression takes away your logic completely. Instead of going to see my psychologist to help me through difficult times, I avoid the one person who can really help me. So when I saw him on Tuesday morning, the first thing that came out of my mouth was: "I am so very, very depressed". He immediately phoned his receptionist and made an emergency booking.

I went and saw Greg yesterday morning. I nearly cancelled, but then I remembered that God sent him to me in my hour of need. It was an immensely insightful session. At some point he referred to the model of Maslov's hierarchy of needs. I know this model very well, having studied a little bit of psychology and sociology at some point. Then Greg asked me: "Where do you see yourself on the model"? My answer was easy. On the top tier, of course, the one of self-actualisation. After all, I visit art galleries, I have hobbies, I like going to the theatre.

And then Greg burst my bubble. He quickly drew the triangle, and he asked me when last I have partaken in any of those self-actualising activities. Very long ago, actually. So where do I stand then? Well, definitely not on the fourth tier, the one of the ego or esteem. I feel worthless and everything seems pointless. Social needs then? Oh dear, I have withdrawn from all social activities...

In my next blog I will try to explain how depression sets you back big time, using Maslov's model of the hierarchy of needs.

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement on my previous blog, https://steemit.com/depression/@minnaloushe/my-nemesis-depression-1. It means more to me than I can explain.

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Hi @minnaloushe, I'm @checky ! While checking the mentions made in this post I found out that @artstorm doesn't exist on Steem. Maybe you made a typo ?

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Hi again! You have made so much progress. Well done!!

The thing that stood out to me is putting on makeup! That's something I miss a lot as it's so hard for me to do it now. I always try at party time but don't usually succeed.

Is that Maslove triangle of needs for depressed people only or for everyone?

I can't share your faith in God as I've always been a non-believer. I am very happy for you that faith is coming to help you through this recovery!

Your Mandala is stunning. Is it digitally coloured?

Thank you for posting 'DEPRESSION 2'.

Wow, Dee, a mouthful. Thanks for the kind words.

Why is it hard for you to wear makeup? For me it is a schlep, but it is gratifying even if only one person tells me that I look okay.

The Maslov triangle is for absolutely everyone. I will explain a bit more in my next blog.

I can only say that without my faith I would not have been where I am today. In the deepest darkness of despair, my faith has pulled me through, time and again.

No, I coloured the mandala with Sharpies. I have not yet reached the age of digital art. I am into "slow living". I used to do cross stitch embroidery when my eyes were still fine. I crochet because it takes time to create something, and I take pride in the end product, however long it takes. I colour for the same reason. It is an almost "mindless" exercise, but it calms me immensely to sit with all my pens and paints scattered around me. Instant gratification is not for me...

It's not hard for me to wear makeup. It's hard for me to apply it as I only have one working hand and it's not my dominant hand. I was right-handed when I was a whole person but now I have to be left-handed. Everything takes me so much longer.

I must get some of those Sharpies :) Thank you for telling me about them :)

Hi. I found your comment on @giantbear's recent post. I'm from South Africa too and appreciate the honesty and intelligence of your writing. And the boldness with which you share your faith.

Thank you for being encouraging to others as you face your own challenges.