Handling loss: The other side of Miscarriage

Nobody talks about how painful it is to lose a baby. Have you noticed how people tend to change the subject or smother you in remorse or "helpful" comments? And once they've said their peice, it's as if they expect it to just be ok again? Maybe, it's just me, but I don't think so.

My name is K.C. and I just miscarried for the second time last Tuesday, May 22nd. It was a very sudden and unexpected occurance, unlike my first. I had had no complications, no bleeding, no pain, for the whole seven weeks. I was just at the point where I was "safe" because I had made it for 7 weeks and 1 day. I had just started allowing myself to become excited and expectant rather than anxious. The whole miscarriage lasted less than 3 hours, where with my first one, it had lasted a few weeks. To other mom's who have lost your babies, I'm truly from the depth of my heart sorry for your loss. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. That being said, however painful it may be to talk about, I think some things need said.

First.....

No mother that has just lost a baby wants to hear "you can try again", "you have plenty of time" or "this happens a lot". If you wouldn't say it to a mother at the funeral of her 3 year old, don't say it to a woman who has miscarried. That child was real. It had a heart beat. It likely had distinct characteristics that set it apart from any other pregnancy. Making a child, even one that never saw the light of day, seem disposable and replaceable is one of the most insensitive things you can do to the grieving mother. Be careful with what you say.

Second...

Speaking for myself and a few others I have talked to, when a miscarriage happens, we tend to first blame ourselves in our mothering capabilities. Even if there was nothing we could've done to control the outcome, we failed. We failed our baby, we failed everyone that was excitedly awaiting our baby's entrance into the world, and we failed our spouse. Please, allow us to grieve. Offering food, or shopping, or a movie night is nice gesture, but it comes across as a forced distraction. We need time to cry, we need time to heal, we need time to breath and recuperate not only emotionally but physically. Our hormones plumit and can sometimes send us into serious depressive states. I know you don't want to see your wife, sister, or daughter so down, but rushing the recovery will make things worse. We will heal on our own time and we need your support more than we need your suggestions of how to get over it.

Third....

Understand that miscarriage is traumatic for us. It's not just "a slightly more painful period". We have lost a life from within us and with that life, a piece of ourselves. We will have moments where we break down and cry because of the smile we won't ever see. We may not want to go out, because every baby bump reminds us of our loss or every giggling child reminds us of what we were looking forward to. Sometimes, even something so small like seeing a baby blanket you thought about getting or an outfit or pair of shoes can trigger an emotional response. We don't expect you to cry with us every time we do, but please try to understand that it wasn't over for us right away. It's something deep and scarring that will take a lot of time to get over. For some it's a week, for others it's closer to a year. Just hold us, and love us, and reassure us. We really are trying to heal.

If you or someone you know has gone through a miscarriage, know that you are not alone in how you feel. There is support for you and there are those that understand. Please keep your head up and know that this too shall pass. I love you personally and keep you in my prayers!

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