So, frens. This morning I get up off the couch after my after-night, after-wake-up nap, only to find that lady hooman is wasting good resources. Let me do an explain.

 
As doggo of the house, our safety falls into my capable paws. I don't really know what lady hooman was doing before I got here. I assume probably curling up in bed every night doing a heckin' frighten, because I'm really good boy at my job and we've been extra safe since I moved in. On my once-every-sometimes-bi-hourly perimeter check I found something that made me do a head shake. Lady hooman is throwing away a whole stack of battle tubes. I KNOW. WHAT?!

Wait, you don't know battle tubes, fren? Well, that's okay. If you are not training to be a good boy defender from the squirrel hordes, you probably wouldn't. But then this PSA is for you too, okay?

 

At this time of year, lady hooman brings a bunch of stuff into our house. She puts up the not-tree (I know it has never been outside but I still check it EXTRA CAREFUL because it never pays to underestimate how squirrels do a sneak.) The stuff is never something for me to do an eat, and even though sometimes it looks like things I want to play with, I check all of them too. I know my history (sometimes lady falls asleep while we watch documentaries) so what if there is a Squirrel-jan Horse in there? The festive 'Murphyno' nickname comes out a lot: I guess the bright lights make her want to play too. Anyways, after I assess the stuff and the not-tree for threats she will cover everything in paper, which is very silly, because I can still do a sniff on all of it. I surmise this is to keep squirrels and cattos from doing a wreck.

Normally I can take and stockpile the battle tubes. I can pick them up and smash things with them; they let me do a knock over of things up high. If I run really fast with the battle tube in my mouth I can whack lady hooman in the legs or give my sister a heckin' boop in the snoot. These are extremely effective weapons, and she just wants to throw them away! Think of all of the squirrel forces I could sweep up with one big head swish with a strong battle tube in my mouth! Sometimes I wonder if I done such a good protect for lady hooman that she has forgotten that heckin' danger abounds out there in the world.

When I'm done making zoomies and tube smashing all the things, then I strengthen up doing a chomp and practice tearing and shaking. Lady hooman laughs at me, but she won't be laughing when I shake the squirrel menace right out of a tree — just saying. In any case, stop wasting battle tubes: give them to your pupper frens!

That's my sister. She is doing an annoy because of the extra hard dash-boop-on-the-snoot I gave her when I raced by with the battle tube, but really, that's just proof of concept!

Lots of you have been asking me why I'm on here.

 
Well, my sister is getting a little old and slow (and deaf too, heckin' good thing.) We both hope there will be snow again this year, because we want to run in it without having people tie things to us, but her legs hurt a lot. I want to make enough hooman cryptos to buy her a brace so she can try to sproing with me and not do a heckin' ouch. She came from a place that had a lot of bad hoomans there, and she had to pull a lot of heavy stuff. Lady does a really good job of helping her be happy and healthy, but I definitely know her best.

Once I do that, I want to help all the places here taking care of doggos and cattos and animal frens with mega upboops! Maybe I can even send things to them. If you know of any good places I haven't sniffed out on Steemit, will you tell me? My snoot was made for giving upboops, and maybe I can even find a way to send money and bones in the mail to the hoomans who helped me choose lady. Anyways, I'm heckin' tired from all that serious training. Remember: battle tubes for puppers... help prepare for the squirrel invasion!