Wow. It's crazy how much we have in common that's so trippy. I'm also bipolar with borderline personality disorder i guess? I always refuse the mood disorder diagnosis cuz I won't get anxiety meds and it makes me feel crazy.

I have seen mother dearest and that sounds like a complete nightmare. At least you didnt end up in prison like the little girl did. A+ for self control. I can't stand the idea of a child confiding in her mother, telling her about the abuse and being declared a liar or blowing up the whole thing, thats so emotionally scarring. I cant even imagine the vile things she said that pushed you towards an eating disorder.

My dad's mom, my grandmother, is a total snob obsessed with self image... Well the image of others more so. She doesn't care about her own but everytime I see her since I was a little kid, shes had something to say about my weight. She'd compare me to my skinny cousins all the time and I ended up with a major complex and low self esteem I still carry. I got down to 103 (I'm 5'5) and I was so excited to be able to have a visit with her without being called fat or ugly, and the moment I sat down she told me I looked sick and started shoving food down my throat. You just can't win with some people. But starving became an addiction in itself and it tends to be my go to drug. Weighing myself becomes a romance.
I can't even imagine being shot with an arrow let alone being locked in a bathroom for 3 months holy fuck you've overcome so much. I forgot alot about the abusive relationship I was in for a couple years. When I finally remembered, it was only because I'd written it down shortly after it happened.

You're everything I've always strived to be. Wise and experienced in most areas of life. Unfortunately alot of them are dark and full of misery but I guess wisdom is born through misery in a way. I think I can even agree, the list of drugs I have yet to try is nearly nonexistant. PCP, Meth and Heroin. I've tried everything else along with a long list of designer drugs. I used to have a bucket list dedicated to drugs lol I always said it was a psychology experiment... Researching the alteration of ones mind. It was partly true but became just a really sophisticated excuse to be an addict.

I did something similar to your story with my dad. He'd go off on me about school, so I'd do drugs to tolerate being at home, then I ran away and quit school to prove a point. To prove I was my own person with my own choices and that I didn't need a piece of paper to show my intelligence. I wanted to prove I could get somewhere without all the bullshit they say we need. (Diploma, degree, etc)

I didn't expect to be diagnosed with fibromyalgia at 20 years old. I think thats the worst part about it. My mom was diagnosed with it after I was born. My birth triggered it in her; but for me, I've wondered what the trigger was for a long time. Sometimes I wonder if it's from all the drugs I've abused... Maybe I huffed too much Duster.
Doctors actually laugh at me when I tell them I have fibromyalgia. They mock an say "self diagnosed?" Meanwhile I'm holding back tears contemplating suicide thinking how fucking dare you?

What illness do you have, if you dont mind me asking? And when were you diagnosed?The only silver lining I see is that fibromyalgia doesnt damage anything but... I sometimes wish I'd been diagnosed with something fatal. At least then I'd have an outdate. Because it feels like I'm battling cancer and everyone thinks its bulllshit and I'm just whiney. I wish the pain showed so I wouldn't feel so guilty about being exhausted all the time.

I don't know how you've made it so far. I always thought I'd die before I was old enough for any of my actions to catch up to me but here I am; mad about it. And that was before the fibro. It's hard to move on and put it in the back of your mind when youre constantly reminded by your throbbing joints and heavy head. I'm terrified of what's ahead. I can't imagine I'll make it far but maybe I'll figure it out sooner than later. You have a much better outlook on life than I do and from how it sounds, youre in a hell of alot more pain than I am. I find that extraordinary. All I wanna do is curl up in a ball and cry for the rest of my life, maybe binge out on xanax... While you and most eveyone else just keep on keeping on. Its amazing and so admirable. I want that.

Where did you move to the U.S from? Did you stay once you got away from that sack of shit? And you have a daughter, even suffering with bipolar disorder, you went through hell just to stay by her through all that time <3
I'm always worrying about having kids and abandoning them during some manic episode... At the same time, everything I've experienced was for lessons to teach my kids. I'll bet you make an amazing mom and your daughter is wise beyond her years because of you.

A battleground of angels and demons. Describes me perfectly. Always teetering on the edge of good and evil.

Thank you for sharing so much of your story with me. You have no idea how much it means to know someone who ACTUALLY knows what its like.. Everything combined, you've been through everything I have and more and you're still going. That's so unbelievably settling I can't even express it.

I say it again, I'm very happy to have met you, I truly believe that everything is for a reason and I have a feeling I'm gonna grow alot just following and reading your posts. You're already rewiring my mind bit by bit. The world can be a prison or it can be a playground. I suppose it's all in perspective (: