In this first installment of our Kink Sunday School we shall answer some basic questions that arise with regards to terminology and practice, in very broad and general terms. We shall delve into further details in future installments. As always, for anonymous questions and/or observations, please refer to the surveys linked at the bottom of this post.

KINK is a very general term used to define any kind of sexual activity which differs from plain old regular sex.

BDSM is a subgenre of kink which covers most, yet not all, activities which might be defined as kinky.

When you either practice or are familiar with BDSM terminology, you might refer to “plain old regular sex” as VANILLA, i.e. the most basic ice cream flavor out there. Which means neither boring nor unappealing, mind you: as a matter of fact, I love vanilla ice cream and how versatile it is. Therefore, please know that the term isn’t and should never be used as derogatory. There’s nothing wrong with appreciating vanilla sex or being overall vanilla, just as there’s nothing wrong with having any kind of fantasy and desire that’s outside of the vanilla box, provided of course those fantasies and desires are carried out in a legal, safe, sane, and consensual environment.
You can definitely be kinky and vanilla without ever venturing into BDSM territory, especially if you consider that a person’s definition of “kink” may vary according to their prudery. Judging by how long sodomy laws have been upheld in some U.S. States, it shouldn’t be surprising to think that to some people oral and anal sex are considered kinky. It is, nonetheless, very hard to lead a completely vanilla lifestyle. After all, BDSM can include an extremely wide range of activities, games, roles, and relationships, and if every once in a while you like to slap your partner’s ass, take those fluffy handcuffs out of their drawer, or order your partner around during sex then you are, in fact, taking part in BDSM activities. So chances are, each of us has dabbled a little with BDSM at one point in their lives, maybe even just to find that they didn’t care for it. Lifestyle practitioners may scoff at the idea that simply playing with some handcuffs will transform you into a BDSMer, but even that kind of light play still falls under the scope of the term.
As varied as BDSM is, so can a person’s involvement in it be. Interest in BDSM can vary from light casual play to 24/7 dedication, with a myriad of variables and options in between. We could, therefore, safely assume there to be as many applications of BDSM as there’s practitioners. But if you wish to address certain kinds of lighter play without identifying them as full on BDSM you might simply refer to them as kinky.

BDSM is actually a collection of acronyms or, rather, a contraction.

• B&D stands for Bondage and Discipline
• D&S stands for Dominance and Submission
• S&M stands for Sadism and Masochism

These are what might be considered the macro-categories of BDSM, as most practices and relationship formats fall into one (or more) of them.
A big exclusion from the acronym seems to be sexual fetishes. There’s differing opinions on whether fetishes fall within the BDSM spectrum, because they are mainly individual inclinations and preferences. Ultimately, it all falls down on whether you consider “BDSM” an umbrella term for all sexual deviations or if you limit its scope at what actually falls under the acronym. In the former sense, it could be argued that even LGBTQ+ sexualities are inherently BDSM, an argument which is actually mostly used to exclude both LGBTQ+ and fetishes from the BDSM spectrum. However, the three worlds often overlap, if only in their shared need to defend individual sexual freedom and battle prejudice.
Some people even take the opposite route and consider BDSM a fetish. This doesn’t make much sense, though, as SEXUAL FETISHISM is simply described as a sexual fixation on a non-living object or on a non-genital body part. This can range from the object being a simple extra stimulus for arousal to a pathological need of the fetishist for that object or body part to be included in sexual play in order to become aroused or reach climax. BDSM is something widely different and although there can certainly be people who fetishize certain BDSM practices or situations, that’s a mere overlap and not the norm.
Nevertheless, what is currently considered the most widespread BDSM social network is actually a Fetish Network, as suggested by its name: Fetlife.

Yes. And no. The jury is still out on this one.

Both online and in real life you will find scores of people extremely devoted to one answer or the other. Ultimately, it depends only on how each of us lives and interprets BDSM and how each of us defines sex. BDSM can include sexual intercourse and it may not, but also without penetration or even a generic rubbing of genitals the persons involved may consider their interaction sexual. And by “people involved” this might include the actual participants in the encounter or their outside partners who might or might not have been informed about it and might or might not approve of it.
Basically, BDSM is sex if you or your partners think it is. And practicing BDSM with a person who is not your actual romantic or sexual partner is betrayal if your partner thinks it is or would think it were if they knew what you were getting up to behind their backs.

Hint: if you’re doing whatever you’re doing behind your partner’s back the chances that they’re not gonna consider it a betrayal are basically nonexistent. Even if what you’re doing is just fantasy football. Just ask the boring older sister from Knocked Up.

The fundamental tenets of BDSM are safety, sanity, and consent. Therefore, in and of itself BDSM is most definitely not abuse when done right. Most BDSM practitioners actually hold that the bottom position in any kind of BDSM interaction (whether it be a sub, slave, or play bottom) holds all or most of the power, since they need to consent beforehand and can withdraw their consent at any time. There’s more to it than that, but this can serve as a useful summary of why and how BDSM shouldn’t ever be abusive.
Of course, as in all aspects of life, there’s ample room for abusers to take advantage of people and situations. But in that respect BDSM no more opens the door to abuse that plain, regular sex and/or the average romantic relationship do.

CONSENT is the permission given by all people involved in a certain activity to that specific activity taking place.

In BDSM specific and informed consent by all parties involved is, or at least should be, paramount.

This extends, of course, first and foremost to the bottom positions, but tops are also included. Remember that part above about the bottoms having most of the power? This is the part that, whatever your interpretation of BDSM may be, they’ll never have.
Tops must consent as well, before anything can happen, and tops, too, have every right to stop at any time. It may seem redundant to acknowledge it, but if you’ve ever been at a BDSM event you’ll have noticed that good tops are courted just as much as single females and enthusiastic bottoms often seem to give the tops’ willingness to play for granted. And yet tops have as much a right to refuse interaction as bottoms: pressuring someone into tying you up is just as wrong as forcing someone to be whipped. And since any activity on the BDSM spectrum is supposed to be enjoyable to all participants, tops give just as much as they get: bottoms don’t get special points just because they suffer, since they’re supposed to be enjoying that suffering.

The most important thing about consent is that consent must be informed. What this means is that the people giving consent must, first and foremost, be of sufficiently sound mind as to consent. Which should automatically exclude people under the influence of alcohol or drugs (prescription or otherwise, as long as they can impair judgement), but also people too much invested in something already: it’s a good rule of thumb not to renegotiate mid-scene or mid-activity, as hormones and excitement might lead people to choices the will later regret… and blame the other party for.
People must therefore have the ability to understand and evaluate what they are agreeing to and make an informed choice. Whose responsibility it is to give or acquire such information is debated. Personally, I believe in self-awareness and personal responsibility, therefore even though I hold that both parties should disclose all necessary information about their particular needs and peculiarities that may impact play, I also believe that each of us is ultimately responsible for what they freely choose to take part in.
Following different takes on consent and responsibility, different protocols for consent have been created within different BDSM communities, the most common being:

• SSC (Sane Safe and Consensual) the most widely recognized protocol, which strives to ensure that all parties involved in a BDSM scene know what they’re up against and strive to avoid any risk and consent violation
• RACK (Risk-Aware Consensual Kink) a deviation from SSC which takes into consideration that fact that not all BDSM activities are actually safe putting more emphasis on individual commitment to and knowledge of all possible risks
• PRICK (Personal Responsibility In Consensual Kink) an alternative to RACK that emphasizes personal responsibility for choices and consequences: because BDSM practitioners are all, necessarily, adults who are ultimately responsible for their own choices, everyone should do their own homework, ask all the appropriate questions and give all pertinent information to prospective play partners, or assume responsibility for their lack of preparation

If you’ve ever heard the term consensual non-consent you’re probably now wondering whether that’s actually a thing, in this framework. It is and can actually be used as an extreme example of what I’ve been saying so far. In CONSENSUAL NON-CONSENT (CNC) a person agrees to forgo their right to revoke consent within a certain timeframe and, usually, under specific circumstances. It’s definitely considered an extreme practice (what’s usually defined as edgeplay) and that is why the initial consent should be given only after very careful consideration of the situation and people involved. CNC play should always be backed by a hefty dose of self-awareness and great trust between individuals and it’s definitely not for everyone. As of the writing of this post Fetlife itself has been severely limiting any discussion about CNC in its boards, in order safeguard the financial interests of the network after some complaints from sponsors and financial institutions, therefore it’s become progressively harder to find information on this particular topic.

Personally, there’s another whole category of people that I believe should be discussed, when talking about consent, and that’s the general public.
I’m utterly neutral with regards to exhibitionism. I don’t mind having a public. I don’t care about having a public. I like doing my own thing and if someone’s watching and liking what they see, they’re welcome to it. What makes me uncomfortable is exposing unconsenting people to something they don’t like or would otherwise shock and repulse them, provided it’s something beyond what is currently considered acceptable public behavior and the shock and repulsion would therefore be justified (two gays can keep on making out in front of Mike Pence with as much emphasis as possible, imo). This sometimes ends up being a point of discussion between my boyfriend and me, since he very much enjoys manhandling me in public (especially if there’s some hardcore femnazi in sight).
Please, don’t be like that. Do what you want and how you want it, don’t ever be ashamed of what you like, don’t hide it. But don’t expose unsuspecting and possibly unwilling people to it just as you wouldn’t have them watch you going down on someone or sitting on the toilet going number two.

For more information about consent, please note that there’s a rather good Wikipedia entry about consent in BDSM and, also, that I’ve never found a better explanation about consent than the Tea and Consent video, which I believe should be regularly broadcast on national TV all over the world.

It depends. Of course, legislation varies between different Countries, which makes it impossible to give a universal answer. As a general rule of thumb, the laws that should matter are those that allow for consent of the victim as a valid legal defense in criminal proceedings, especially in circumstances which result in bodily harm. Where such a defense exist, and within the limits that the law might set to it, arguments for the legality of BDSM can more easily be made. Another thing to be mindful of is the procedural law connected to the various charges that could be brought against a BDSMer. Offenses that can be prosecuted ex officio leave far less wiggle room than those that depend solely from a complaint of the victim.
In recent years, ripples were made in the UK judicial system, as UK law won’t allow people to accept an act which would cause serious bodily harm. A few cases in which sadomasochistic encounters were criminalized reached the European Court of Human Rights, which ruled that while each person must be recognized a general right of free will, a Country may, as a matter of public policy, restrict that right of free will for the public good and the protection of public morals (Laskey, Jaggard and Brown v United Kingdom, ECHR 19.02.1997).
It is therefore important to always be mindful of the legal framework under which you are operating, and adjust your expectation of possible legal consequences accordingly. This might prompt particularly careful tops to refuse to play with people they don’t have a significant relationship with, as from a legal standpoint they run the higher risk.

Also, be aware that any form of consent that might possibly also be used as a legal defense can legally only be shared among adults.

As possibly the most famous line from the movie Shakespeare in Love goes, “I don’t know. It’s a mystery.” After all, why does any of us like what they like?
Each of us has their own peculiarities and tastes and the world is definitely a much better place because of it. The only thing that’s important to remember is that the fact that you don’t like or enjoy something doesn’t mean that no one else might like or enjoy it. Conversely, not everything you like will be appreciated by everyone. There’s people, out there, who don’t like French fries. Or chocolate. So, really, everything goes.
And since there’s no reason why a person’s preferences should be deemed better or more relevant than another’s, we’ll just need to accept our differences and move forward. I you don’t like being hit, don’t get hit. If you don’t like hitting, don’t hit. It’s that simple, really. And if you wish to pursue a relationship with someone that has sexual tastes and desires that far differ from your own, you might want to rethink that: sexual compatibility is extremely important in any relationship of a romantic nature, especially if you’re aiming for the long run, and neither partner has any right to demand the other renounce his preferences nor any obligation to give up their own.

Your Kink Is Not My Kink.

An mentioned, kink offers and incredibly varied array of choices and possibilities and people’s preferences are just as varied. There’s extremely common kinks (bondage is pretty popular, right now), extremely rare kinks (you might not want to check out what vore is), problematic kinks (ageplay, rape play and other kinds of edgeplay), kinks that might disgust people who are not into them (watersports).
The important thing to remember is that every kink is equally valid, and each of us is allowed to like whatever they like, provided they pursue their interest in a legal and consensual way. There’s nothing wrong with people who don’t share your same interests and there’s nothing wrong with someone liking something you don’t care for. The bottom line is that Your Kink Is Not My Kink and that’s ok.

We'll find out that and more about the many BDSM roles in the next issue of our Sunday School, hopefully out next Sunday.

Thanks for reading.