I can’t make you feel anything. You choose how you feel.

So true, right? We allow people to make us feel a certain way.

Accordingly, if we are hurt or disappointed or emotionally or psychologically damaged, it’s simply a character flaw, a weakness that we need to resolve because people who are whole choose how they feel every single moment of every single day, no matter the situation or the other people involved.

Are you beginning to see the flaws in the original declaration?

That we are feeling beings is the very basis of most, if not all, of our interactions. How can we ever hope to influence anyone in anyway if our words and actions can never make a difference?

Is it because emotional damage carries little visible evidence that people are able to make that declaration? Would we think differently if we could see a physical bruise where our emotionally charged barbs have hit their mark? Would we think differently if someone declared: “No one can break your arm. If your arm is broken it is because you choose to let it be broken”?

I agree that we can take steps to protect ourselves emotionally, just as we can equip ourselves with the skills to deter someone from being able to break our arms. However, to blithely state that the words and actions of others can only hurt us if we choose to let them, seems to ignore our basic need for connection. It also absolves the other person of any responsibility – or accountability – for the consequences of their actions.

In short, it excuses inappropriate behaviour. It also invalidates the person subjected to the inappropriate behaviour. And that is the greater injustice – that the injured person is held to be weak or somehow deficient because they feel.

Inflicting physical damage on people is illegal. Why then, do we so blithely dismiss emotional and psychological damage?
Everyone has emotional pressure points. These may be considered weaknesses, and perhaps they are. Again though, we are more likely to accommodate someone’s physical weaknesses than their emotional ones.

If someone has a broken leg, we won’t continually hit it, thus ensuring it never properly heals. Instead we do what we can to help that person. We open doors; we bring them food; we nurture them. We understand that even when the plaster comes off and the crutches are gone, that their leg will still be weak. We encourage them to ‘take it easy’, to be kind to themselves as they recover.

As a society we need to start following similar protocols when people are hurting emotionally. Just because we can’t see the wounds doesn’t mean they aren’t there.

Don’t get me wrong. I am certainly not advocating we all wallow in the pity pool – at least not for very long. I am, however, advocating that we as individuals hold ourselves to account for our words and actions.

Perhaps the greatest gift to offer someone who is hurting is validation. And it is within everyone’s power to do this; it doesn’t need to be a grand gesture. In fact, the smaller gestures are often the most sincere and the most healing.

If you’ve encountered someone who is hurting emotionally or psychologically consider the following suggestions.
• Instead of saying, “I know how you feel”, admit that though you may have experienced similar situations or suspect you have felt similar emotions, you can’t know exactly how they feel, but that you acknowledge that they are feeling bad.

• Rather than offering solutions, simply listen and accept that this is their truth – and that it may be extremely painful for them to share it.

• If they are unable to share their truth, consider saying, “You don’t have to say anything. Just know that I am here.” Then be actually be there. Sit with them. Hold their hand. Hug them.

• Let the person cry. Crying is a very human release and so often we are discomforted when someone cries. Staying with that person, without comment, without saying, “there, there”, just simply sharing their space, is a very powerful way of validating them and what they’re going through.

• Offer them a ‘safe place’ to fully express what they are feeling – no matter what that might be. We often don’t share our darkest thoughts for fear of being judged. Yet we all have dark thoughts. Again, they are part and parcel of our humanness.

Remember too, that sometimes the people who smile the most are hiding the deepest wounds. They might smile to feel normal; so that don’t have to justify their pain; to hide what they might consider shameful or simply as a shield against risking a more fulfilling connection.

Just as we can contribute to the physical well-being of our family, friends and co-workers, we can also enhance their emotional and psychological well-being.

I am a great believe that the wider global community is a reflection of what we accept in our little spheres of influence. The bad behaviour of some politicians and corporations is what we accept, and perhaps even replicate in our everyday interactions.

If each of us made ourselves accountable for the consequences of our words and actions, the world would be a happier, more peaceful place – for everyone. What positive contribution can you make today?