Retrophilia

It ended with another Beginning

Just like how it started back from the summer day. From the dark cold rainy days. That first actual conversation on a motorcycle when you offered me a ride back home, the times when it was you and me against the world, the blank stares we had then at the dry classroom back when it the air seemed to turn our heads around each other uncontrollably. The smiles that seemed more divine than reality, I… think those days have ended now.

The same day I remember you smile, the dewdrops from heaven brushing around our helmets, my hand embracing your waist. People, schoolmates, and haters all over tried to find out if the word ‘Us’ ever existed, deep inside me it did. But all I knew that it never did to you. I turn my head down to look at my phone, the same phone that made me sleep later than for any valid reason possible, the nights that I had studied with and without your presence, the single accomplishment, the night ender when you said "Good night" to me, I missed that, I miss the late night texts, I miss you.

Friends say that I had to move on, but recalling for 2 years and ongoing, how could I? You’re a sight for sore eyes, the one who shines out amongst the crowd; the adrenaline to my heart’s pulsation, the panic to my calm seas, and the alert to my radar. You were everything that was so destructive, so destructive that I wanted you.

I opted leaving, I opted forgetting but my mind and heart coordinated and opted to say ‘no.’ I know I couldn’t say that I’ve tried everything possible to walk away from you, I know it was just me, that it was always a guilty pleasure for me to want you even though you didn't want me back, it’s always been like that and until now, even if things got worse and I knew you better, I would always cling to your feet wherever you go and whoever you go with. My ears are filled with news of you and the new girl in town. The chic that you call your friend. I’m sorry if I’d been like that, it’s just maybe I’m so insecure that you have someone better and prettier than I am; more awesome than I am, and maybe has better sense of humor than I am.

A lot of people fall in love with looks, and I can’t deny that. That was a start for me when your became a cherry to my eyes, and it kept growing dangerous as if the bottom of the free fall was getting farther and farther than usual. I’m still falling, I can’t deny it too. My mind is even filled with some thoughts, some ideas filled of us and maybe some more of you. I still pick up that heartbeat whenever we meet, whenever our eyes do, even if I told myself to stop and calm down, that you’re not mine, never will. The winds keep whispering something in my ear like seduction from you and inspiration from the word ‘us.’

The noise has gone out of the silence, and now the silence still makes the noise, dreadful haven, pleasure suffering, Hell out of Heaven’s love. Ironic isn’t it? That the person who loves him is the person he doesn’t love back, and the person he likes isn’t the one who likes him back. This is a loop, an enlightened pyramid, a bottomless butthole.

His favorite number was 7, mine was 9. Between us was a loop which ended at the infinity point, though there are infinities larger than some infinities, I always thought that this feeling will always be a constant, rather a duplicating variable in multiple sequences, and an unchangeable solution to his: No.