Both ends of the spectrum
Hello, beautiful people from all over the world!! How's everyone doing?
For as much as I'd like to deny and hide my pain behind a smile, these last weeks were a bit harsh for me. It's not easy to detach from people with whom I had close ties, but I no longer look for the good in people, I search for the real. It's painful when someone who meant the world to me, suddenly becomes a stranger, but I've realized that no matter how much I want to believe in some people and give them the benefit of the doubt, they'll never change.
Right now I'm concentrating on this new incoming wave of freedom in my life, and I want to completely immerse myself in, even if I can't swim. I want to discover every inch of my mind and soul, and figure out who I TRULY AM. I'm aware of my strengths and my weaknesses, but I also know that is more of me undiscovered, and I want it all.
While some of my friends are supporting my choice, others couldn't understand why I'm putting myself as my top priority. Instead of giving me a bit of space to deal with my problems as I asked, some of my dear ones, like A and T, twisted the knife more profound in my wounds, challenging my inner bitch. They proved me how badly I was confusing their selfishness with selflessness. They didn't believe me when I said that I wouldn't allow anyone anymore to "unintentionally" hurt me again. Ironically or not, our present is mostly altered because of the misunderstandings that already agitated our past a few times before but supposedly cleared out, and left behind. This time, I thought that if I express myself with precise words, my needs are also heard, and this fuss wouldn't exist in the first place, but I was wrong.
I recall the times where I was terrified of my friendships ending, and now it's happening in an awkward mode. I tried to prevent this awful day arrival, but now that it's here, it's overwhelmingly sad. Sometimes I wish I could turn back in time, and, for example, never let the fight with A happen, but the lack of communication and comprehension daily increased the toxicity of our relationship, and there was nothing left for me to solve. I gave up on putting effort into our friendship a while ago, and I haven't tried to save it again from blasting because for once I wanted A to value our relationship more than her ego. I never asked her to apologize to me for her behavior or to justify it. I wanted her to realize that her words and her actions don't match. Even though it hurts like shit letting our friendship go, I hope that one day she'll see through my eyes and understand the reasons why I had to let her go. I know that maybe I didn't give my best until the end, and I lost control over my own emotions and thoughts because she kept putting pressure on me in a moment that I wanted some peace for myself. I'd like to write her a few lines because I know she sneaks a peek at my blog from time to time ...
"A! I know you don't understand how me leaving can be beneficial for your growth, but I hope you will. I sincerely apologize for how I've spoken with you the last time, I do. In my last message, I had to offend you because it was the only way for you to liberate yourself from me, your last connection with your past, and focus on the present and future, on your family, and I can focus on myself! I felt so poor after, for how I expressed myself, but you deserve it as well for making this situation about you. I'm not going to lie; the insults were more aggressive because I was suffering too... I've just lost one of my best friends! Our friendship faded not because I pushed you away but because you need to focus your attention towards your fears and face them, and I need time to put my life on the right path. I never said goodbye to you because I don't feel it's necessary. A love so big as the one I have for you will not just vanish. I'll always be here for you if you need me, #puiuforever, and I think you know it too. Remember that time heals the pain, patience is a virtue that you can master, and not everything is about yourself."
Until now, I've dedicated all my life to help my family, my friends, even people with whom I've somehow connected but never met before and needed help... but now is about ME! I am done carrying other people problems on my shoulders, even if I love a lot some of them. If I can, I'm more than happy to help, but only after I've solved my issues.
Stay focus, stay strong.
Luv, M.